CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

ARCHIVES!
Juan Valdez: "I'm Sick of Picking Coffee For You Fucking Gringos"

Saturday, January 06, 2007

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "planet telex"




You know what I've been doing? I've been saving up all my pesos for the past few years, and I'm going to be moving to America. You know why? Because I'm sick of picking your fucking coffee.

First of all, when I came here to work at Columbian Coffee, I thought it would be a refreshing change from my previous job of picking coca leaves to be turned into cocaine for billion dollar drug lords. And when I walk in for the first day of the job, they hand me this form saying that I have to legally change my name to Juan Valdez. And I say, but my name isn't Juan Valdez! It's Hector Jimenez De La Reguera Rojas! And they tell me, this is the breaks. If you wanna work for Columbian Coffee, you gotta change your name to Juan Valdez. Something about "truth in advertising" or some loco crap. Everybody does it, it's required, and if you don't like it, you can go pick some more coca. So I say fine, I gotta change my name, I guess I can do that, because I really need mas dinero, and I'm sick of dodging bullets during raids from the policia and rebel fighters.

I suppose stripping me of my God-given dignity is one thing. But let me tell you, the job is terrible! Our dental plan is sup-par, we have an 800 peso co-pay for vision, and our health plan-- dios mio! We only get paid 60% of our normal wages during long-term disability! And don't get me started on our paltry 401k options! And another thing, our working conditions are for the perros! We work under the hot, scorching sun for 8 hours a day, not including our 30 minute lunch and two fifteen minute breaks, but they only give us an over-sized sombrero and SPF 30 sunblock to "relieve" us from the sun. Have those fucking pindejos up at the corporate office in the Estados Unidos no heart? I would love for any Americano to bring their lazy gordo asses down to Colombia and see the kind of thoughtlessness the 100,000 of us Juan Valdezes have to call our day-to-day work! Our break room doesn't even have a cool arcade machine like Centipede or anything like that, we only have a copy of Zaxxon for the love of Maria!

So after working for many years here, I have already put in for my week paid vacation (I only get one week a year!), after which I am moving to America, because I'm sick of it. I want to live in one of your giant apartamentes with monthly rent, a gas-guzzling SUV, and I want to get up in the morning and drink coffee hand-picked by some chico who they forced into calling himself Juan Valdez, and not have to think of the terrible, morale-shattering job he must have. I have dreams where I don't have to pick the fucking coffee for you gringos, and instead serving you coffee in a nice Denny's or something, or at least cleaning the coffee cups off the table after you leave. It would be better than putting up with one more day of picking coffee for you gringos and coming home to mi casa with my fingers reeking of the rich, rejuvenating stench of Columbian Coffee, which takes me at least a half an hour to wash off, while my pathetic stock options raise a mere 1/8th of a percent.

--Juan "Hector Jimenez De La Reguera Rojas" Valdez
------



 on this day last year cosmo doesn't expect women to be interested in anything past what they were interested in at 14.
-----

with love from CRS @ 3:57 AM 

0 Comments:

Post a Comment