I don't think I've matured at all...
this entry brought to you by tegan and sara, "walking with the ghost"
I have been thinking a lot about aging, especially now, considering tomorrow is my 27th birthday and I feel like I don't have that much to show for it. I should be in the prime of my life, yet I spend so much time thinking about how old I'm getting.
I realized the other day that all the qualities about myself that I'm most proud of-- I'm smart, I'm articulate, I'm creative... All these things were outstanding when I was a teenager. There's a certain novelty in being gifted and young, especially if you're sociable and know how to communicate-- something a lot of gifted kids lack. When I was younger it was nice being special. Specifically when girls started to notice.
But now the age thing creeps up, and everything about me seems unremarkable. Yes, I'm smart-- so what? People mature, and they get smarter... at least they're supposed to. I'm still smarter than everyone else I know, and yet this doesn't mean much. I'm going to be 27 in one day. You're supposed to be smart when you're 26. Finding a smart teenager is difficult. Finding a smart adult, not so much. It's expected. When you're 26, you're expected to be mature and knowledgeable. You're supposed to be articulate. You're supposed to be sophisticated. You're supposed to be with it and on the ball. All these things that I was proud of when I was younger seem to be blase'. Yes, I'm aware that there are millions of 26 year olds who aren't sophisticated, who aren't smart, who are immature. The problem is that immature teenagers are expected. Immature 26 year olds, though common, are still frowned upon. You're still expected to be exactly the way I feel like I am right now.
I don't feel like I've matured much since I was a teenager, if at all. And this doesn't mean that I feel immature now, this means I felt overly mature then. I feel like the exact same person I was a decade ago. I've talked to so many people from high school lately, and so many of them will say they're totally different people than they were then, couldn't be more different, they've changed for the better. I don't really see myself as being any different whatsoever, though. I still think the same way, care about the same things. My priorities are still the same. Sure, now they involve children and wives and houses and making money to take care of all these things, but on a personal level, in terms of my personality, in terms of things I care about, my priorities are still the same. It didn't take a big lifestyle change to have to get into the role I play now. I didn't have to mentally prepare for where I'm at now. It was not a big step. Going out into the "real world" was not a shock. It was just a slide to the right.
And I start to wonder, have I matured at all? Logic would dictate yes, of course I have, I'm a father. But I would argue that I haven't. And I thought about what exactly maturity has brought me. How has the past 10 years changed the way I think? In what way has my mind gone beyond where it was 10 years ago?
And I've come to the conclusion that the only difference between the person I was 10 years ago and now... All the things that I was afraid of, all the things that scared me, depressed me, made me paranoid... are true. Maturity has just brought confirmation about all the things that worried me when I was young and depressed, but thought couldn't be true, and I would learn better when I grew older. I've matured, I've grown up, and the only difference between now and then is now I know all those things... are true.
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with love from CRS @ 10:12 PM
Friday, February 03, 2006
I have been thinking a lot about aging, especially now, considering tomorrow is my 27th birthday and I feel like I don't have that much to show for it. I should be in the prime of my life, yet I spend so much time thinking about how old I'm getting.
I realized the other day that all the qualities about myself that I'm most proud of-- I'm smart, I'm articulate, I'm creative... All these things were outstanding when I was a teenager. There's a certain novelty in being gifted and young, especially if you're sociable and know how to communicate-- something a lot of gifted kids lack. When I was younger it was nice being special. Specifically when girls started to notice.
But now the age thing creeps up, and everything about me seems unremarkable. Yes, I'm smart-- so what? People mature, and they get smarter... at least they're supposed to. I'm still smarter than everyone else I know, and yet this doesn't mean much. I'm going to be 27 in one day. You're supposed to be smart when you're 26. Finding a smart teenager is difficult. Finding a smart adult, not so much. It's expected. When you're 26, you're expected to be mature and knowledgeable. You're supposed to be articulate. You're supposed to be sophisticated. You're supposed to be with it and on the ball. All these things that I was proud of when I was younger seem to be blase'. Yes, I'm aware that there are millions of 26 year olds who aren't sophisticated, who aren't smart, who are immature. The problem is that immature teenagers are expected. Immature 26 year olds, though common, are still frowned upon. You're still expected to be exactly the way I feel like I am right now.
I don't feel like I've matured much since I was a teenager, if at all. And this doesn't mean that I feel immature now, this means I felt overly mature then. I feel like the exact same person I was a decade ago. I've talked to so many people from high school lately, and so many of them will say they're totally different people than they were then, couldn't be more different, they've changed for the better. I don't really see myself as being any different whatsoever, though. I still think the same way, care about the same things. My priorities are still the same. Sure, now they involve children and wives and houses and making money to take care of all these things, but on a personal level, in terms of my personality, in terms of things I care about, my priorities are still the same. It didn't take a big lifestyle change to have to get into the role I play now. I didn't have to mentally prepare for where I'm at now. It was not a big step. Going out into the "real world" was not a shock. It was just a slide to the right.
And I start to wonder, have I matured at all? Logic would dictate yes, of course I have, I'm a father. But I would argue that I haven't. And I thought about what exactly maturity has brought me. How has the past 10 years changed the way I think? In what way has my mind gone beyond where it was 10 years ago?
And I've come to the conclusion that the only difference between the person I was 10 years ago and now... All the things that I was afraid of, all the things that scared me, depressed me, made me paranoid... are true. Maturity has just brought confirmation about all the things that worried me when I was young and depressed, but thought couldn't be true, and I would learn better when I grew older. I've matured, I've grown up, and the only difference between now and then is now I know all those things... are true.
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