CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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Automatic Voice Messaging Systems are a Fucking Waste of Time

Friday, September 09, 2005

this entry brought to you by the new pornographers, "twin cinema"




Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system...

"Hey, it's Chris. Leave your message after the tone."

...Is not available. To leave a voice message, please wait for the tone. Do you see how condescending I am? I'm treating you as if you don't know how to leave a message on a fucking answering machine. Of course you'll wait to leave your message after the tone. If you just start blabbing your message the second the machine picks up, you don't deserve the right to using a phone. But I still insist on telling you this useless information. Because I think you're retarded. That's right. I think you're retarded. What are you going to do about it? You want to leave a message, don't you? Because if you didn't, you would have hung up by now. So you're going to sit there and listen as I suck precious seconds away from your already-short life. To send a numeric page, press 2. But don't bother. This is a useless option. I mean, what the hell does it do, anyway? But you're not going to try, because you're trying to leave a message. If you wanted to page this person, you wouldn't have called their answering machine, you would have called their pager system. And who has a pager nowadays anyway? At the tone, please record your message. I said that twice. Did you notice? Once at the beginning of the call, and then again now. I'll say it again, with slightly different wording. Please leave your message after the tone. I'm redundant, and I don't think you can work an answering machine. You think I'm about to give you the tone, don't you? You're itching. You think it's right there. You can taste it. But I've still got more options! When you are finished recording, you may hang up-- that's right! I'm giving you permission on how to use your own phone! I'm allowing you to hang up!-- or press 5 for more options. Now, seriously, do you really need more options after you've sent a message? I mean, if you get cut off, aren't you just going to call back? What the hell options could possibly be offered to you when you're finished recording? If you're not satisfied you can delete it? If you can't even be responsible for the machine messages you leave, maybe you shouldn't be leaving messages to begin with. You know this, and I know this. Yet, here we are. I'm giving you the option to have more options that you don't need, and all you wanted to do was leave a message about remembering to pay the gas bill or picking up cheese or something. How much time have I wasted, when all this had to be was the name of the person you called and then a beep? I don't know. Even I'm bored of this by now. Yeah. *sigh* Good times though. Fun while it lasted. Okay. Yeah. Go ahead and leave a message. If you want. I don't know. I couldn't care less, really. I've had my fun. Yeah. *cough* Hey, you know what? I just thought of something funny. I could have gone through all that, and then told you this person's message were full and for you to call back. And I still might! You really don't know. And then this whole thing would be for nothing. Nothing! It's one thing to force you through all this and still let you leave that message about needing to bring home diapers, but what if you can't even do that? Hmm? Oh, wouldn't that just make you want to kill another human being? Another human being! Oh, man. That would be good shit.

*BEEEEP!*
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with love from CRS @ 4:54 PM 

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