A Quick FAQ with Jonah
this entry brought to you by beck, "missing"
Me again. Yeah, don't act so happy to see me, ya ungrateful bastards. I know I'm a one-note joke... what of it? Anyhoo, on account of me being an old, somewhat obscure character that first made his debut back in September 2000, and then only showing up once more, CRS thought I should do a quick rundown of the most asked questions from yesterday.
Q: Jonah, why are you so grumpy?
Well, I'll tell you. Because I was swallowed by a goddamn whale. And it's not like the whale immediately spat me back up. That might've made me swim back to shore and high five all my friends and say, "Dudes! I got a gnarly story to tell ya" No, that fucker kept me in there. Now, according to the story, I was in the for three days and three nights, but who the fuck counts? An hour, a week, a million goddamn years. Lemme tell ya, if the Buddah himself had been swallowed my a whale instead of chillin' under that tree, he wouldn't have been philosophizin'. Or maybe he would, I mean, he is Buddah, I mean, I never met the guy... But that's not my freaking point!
Q: Jonah, why do you perpetrate the myth that you were swallowed by a whale? The bible distinctly says "a great fish".
Gee, does it? Wow, that's great. Myself, I didn't get a look at it. Cuz I was being swallowed.
Q: Jonah, who do you think had it worse? You or Job?
Good question. I meet up with him once a year to play rummy. We get mistaken for one another a lot. Tattered clothes. General expression of utter despair. But as to who had it worse, I'm going to side with me. Because when his ordeal was over, he didn't smell like "great fish" for three goddamn years of his life. Wanna ask me again why I'm so grumpy? Three goddamn years!
Why do you act as if we should feel sorry for you? Didn't you get thrown overboard to feed the fish because you ran away from God?
Uhmmm... God, hell if I remember. How the hell long was that? Who remembers this stuff?
What's it like living in a whale for so long?
Can't... breathe... walls... pulsing... closing in on me! I love you, mom! I love you! I repent, Lord! God help me! God in heaven get me the fuck out of here! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Did you like the movie Pinoccio?
Next question.
What do you think of the growing issue in North Korea?
Fuck 'em all, I say. Wait... Are those the ones that eat whale meat?
I'm not sure. Probably.
Why do we always have to get involved in everyone's problems? Leave Korea alone! What've they done to the US? Specifically, I mean.
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with love from CRS @ 6:48 PM
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Me again. Yeah, don't act so happy to see me, ya ungrateful bastards. I know I'm a one-note joke... what of it? Anyhoo, on account of me being an old, somewhat obscure character that first made his debut back in September 2000, and then only showing up once more, CRS thought I should do a quick rundown of the most asked questions from yesterday.
Q: Jonah, why are you so grumpy?
Well, I'll tell you. Because I was swallowed by a goddamn whale. And it's not like the whale immediately spat me back up. That might've made me swim back to shore and high five all my friends and say, "Dudes! I got a gnarly story to tell ya" No, that fucker kept me in there. Now, according to the story, I was in the for three days and three nights, but who the fuck counts? An hour, a week, a million goddamn years. Lemme tell ya, if the Buddah himself had been swallowed my a whale instead of chillin' under that tree, he wouldn't have been philosophizin'. Or maybe he would, I mean, he is Buddah, I mean, I never met the guy... But that's not my freaking point!
Q: Jonah, why do you perpetrate the myth that you were swallowed by a whale? The bible distinctly says "a great fish".
Gee, does it? Wow, that's great. Myself, I didn't get a look at it. Cuz I was being swallowed.
Q: Jonah, who do you think had it worse? You or Job?
Good question. I meet up with him once a year to play rummy. We get mistaken for one another a lot. Tattered clothes. General expression of utter despair. But as to who had it worse, I'm going to side with me. Because when his ordeal was over, he didn't smell like "great fish" for three goddamn years of his life. Wanna ask me again why I'm so grumpy? Three goddamn years!
Why do you act as if we should feel sorry for you? Didn't you get thrown overboard to feed the fish because you ran away from God?
Uhmmm... God, hell if I remember. How the hell long was that? Who remembers this stuff?
What's it like living in a whale for so long?
Can't... breathe... walls... pulsing... closing in on me! I love you, mom! I love you! I repent, Lord! God help me! God in heaven get me the fuck out of here! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
Did you like the movie Pinoccio?
Next question.
What do you think of the growing issue in North Korea?
Fuck 'em all, I say. Wait... Are those the ones that eat whale meat?
I'm not sure. Probably.
Why do we always have to get involved in everyone's problems? Leave Korea alone! What've they done to the US? Specifically, I mean.
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