A Message to Hollywood, With Love, from Jonah
this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "love is not enough"
Hey folks. It's me, Jonah. Don't remember me? Read your frigging bible. Jesus. Where the hell you kids grow up that you don't know who Jonah is, I don't know. The whale guy? You know? As in the guy who got friggin' swallowed by one? Yeah, I thought you remembered. Little smart-mouthed shits. As I was sayin', I haven't been on the page in a while. But who can frigging blame me? The damned thing goes down more often and for longer periods than Tara Reid after a coke binge! Tara Reid on a coke binge! Oh, shit. That's a good one. I gotta write that down.
Ok. So where have I been these last few years? Well, I'll tell ya nosey asses. I was flipping through cable one day and happened upon the Discovery Channel. I don't normally watch it because nature kinda bugs the shit outta me, what with the ocean and the turtles and certain sea mammals, but there was a clip of some beach chicks surfing so I thought, what the hey. The ocean's a goddamn scary place, but half-naked chicks make anything worth watching.
Then the next thing they show is a whale... on the beach. Did you know about this? Whales can fling themselves on land! What the fuck is that? It is, honest to god, the scariest shit I'd ever heard of. Seriously, how the hell can you people go around listening to your Ashley Spears and watching your Pimped My Wheels shows, knowing that at any time, a whale might propel itself from the ocean and devour you?
So I moved to bum fucking Ohio. As far away from the frigging ocean as I could get. Bought myself a bomb shelter and a nice T1 line for my Internet access. Ate Slim Jims and occupied myself with my boxed set collection of Hawaii Five-Oh and soft-core pornography.
What got me out of my underground bunker, at the possible danger of a beaching whale swallowing me whole when I least suspect? Well, I must admit, I'm a bit of a Sci-Fi junkie. Got addicted when I saw the original War of the Worlds 50 years ago. No, I didn't go see Star Wars, ya loose-brained fuck knuckle. Those movies were fun back in the 70s when I was on a lot of drugs, but nowadays-- how do you keep your eyes open? I mean, seriously. No, it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!
So there I am, in the theater a few days after opening, shittin' myself in anticipation. I light myself a fat stogie just for the occasion (yeah, people complained and some fat, pimply teenager threatened to kick me out... I'd've broke his neck if I didn't think the ensuing commotion would make it hard to see the movie), when the trailer for Amityville Horror comes on. At first I blame it on an acid flashback, or at least acid reflux, when I realized them Hollywood bastards have done it again. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Dawn of the Dead. That terrible lookin' piece of shit House of Wax. All horror movies so shitty they shouldn't have been made once! Then Hollywood gets the frigging brilliant idea of making them again! Listen, the new Amityville Horror might be the best goddamn movie ever, but I refuse to pay for it, on account that I've already seen it. Hell, I'd rather pay for the shitty sequels, because at least those will pretend to have slightly different stories. But a remake? That's the laziest movie making idea ever. Hollywood needs to stick a cock in its ass if it thinks it should keep this shit up.
And by the way, Tim Burton! Remember that time you made that movie called Edward Scissorhands, or the other one, Beetlejuice? I know you're a creative guy, I've seen it before! So stop "reimagining" other people's movies! Jesus Christ! If I wanted to "reimagine" Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I'd drop some acid and stare at one of them Magic Eye things in the mall, ya good for nothing!
If you're really interested in remaking a movie, Tim, remake Orca. I personally won't ever see it, but I'll bet you cold hard cash it'll be scary as nuns.
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with love from CRS @ 8:45 PM
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Hey folks. It's me, Jonah. Don't remember me? Read your frigging bible. Jesus. Where the hell you kids grow up that you don't know who Jonah is, I don't know. The whale guy? You know? As in the guy who got friggin' swallowed by one? Yeah, I thought you remembered. Little smart-mouthed shits. As I was sayin', I haven't been on the page in a while. But who can frigging blame me? The damned thing goes down more often and for longer periods than Tara Reid after a coke binge! Tara Reid on a coke binge! Oh, shit. That's a good one. I gotta write that down.
Ok. So where have I been these last few years? Well, I'll tell ya nosey asses. I was flipping through cable one day and happened upon the Discovery Channel. I don't normally watch it because nature kinda bugs the shit outta me, what with the ocean and the turtles and certain sea mammals, but there was a clip of some beach chicks surfing so I thought, what the hey. The ocean's a goddamn scary place, but half-naked chicks make anything worth watching.
Then the next thing they show is a whale... on the beach. Did you know about this? Whales can fling themselves on land! What the fuck is that? It is, honest to god, the scariest shit I'd ever heard of. Seriously, how the hell can you people go around listening to your Ashley Spears and watching your Pimped My Wheels shows, knowing that at any time, a whale might propel itself from the ocean and devour you?
So I moved to bum fucking Ohio. As far away from the frigging ocean as I could get. Bought myself a bomb shelter and a nice T1 line for my Internet access. Ate Slim Jims and occupied myself with my boxed set collection of Hawaii Five-Oh and soft-core pornography.
What got me out of my underground bunker, at the possible danger of a beaching whale swallowing me whole when I least suspect? Well, I must admit, I'm a bit of a Sci-Fi junkie. Got addicted when I saw the original War of the Worlds 50 years ago. No, I didn't go see Star Wars, ya loose-brained fuck knuckle. Those movies were fun back in the 70s when I was on a lot of drugs, but nowadays-- how do you keep your eyes open? I mean, seriously. No, it was Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy!
So there I am, in the theater a few days after opening, shittin' myself in anticipation. I light myself a fat stogie just for the occasion (yeah, people complained and some fat, pimply teenager threatened to kick me out... I'd've broke his neck if I didn't think the ensuing commotion would make it hard to see the movie), when the trailer for Amityville Horror comes on. At first I blame it on an acid flashback, or at least acid reflux, when I realized them Hollywood bastards have done it again. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Dawn of the Dead. That terrible lookin' piece of shit House of Wax. All horror movies so shitty they shouldn't have been made once! Then Hollywood gets the frigging brilliant idea of making them again! Listen, the new Amityville Horror might be the best goddamn movie ever, but I refuse to pay for it, on account that I've already seen it. Hell, I'd rather pay for the shitty sequels, because at least those will pretend to have slightly different stories. But a remake? That's the laziest movie making idea ever. Hollywood needs to stick a cock in its ass if it thinks it should keep this shit up.
And by the way, Tim Burton! Remember that time you made that movie called Edward Scissorhands, or the other one, Beetlejuice? I know you're a creative guy, I've seen it before! So stop "reimagining" other people's movies! Jesus Christ! If I wanted to "reimagine" Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, I'd drop some acid and stare at one of them Magic Eye things in the mall, ya good for nothing!
If you're really interested in remaking a movie, Tim, remake Orca. I personally won't ever see it, but I'll bet you cold hard cash it'll be scary as nuns.
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