The Diary of a Guy Who's Never Lived in a House Before
this entry brought to you by the white stripes, "let's build a home"
DAY 1 Look at this house! Wow! Look at all this space in the kitchen! There's 3 bedrooms, so our roommate, Matt, can sleep in his own room, instead of on the floor in the living room! A washer and drier! A two car garage! Awesome!
DAY 2 Geez, there are a lot of dead crickets all over the place. The last tenants must've insect bombed the place before they moved out. There are like, at least two dead crickets in every room. Hope that's not too bad a sign.
DAY 8 Hmm. The drier doesn't seem to work. How irritating. Oh well, no biggie.
DAY 24 Fuck! I think I just broke the washer! Why would they make them that way? Who's idea was that?
DAY 27 I woke up this morning to the stench of cattle or a zoo or something. Irritating. Jesus.
DAY 30 Hey, there's a dairy farm not one block away from our house. How cool. There's a sign that says smell, insecticide, and dust will travel up to one mile away. That explains the stink. Insecticide, though? Hmm.
DAY 32 We have new neighbors behind us. They seem like nice people, like a nice family. So we know they won't be blasting any loud music or anything :)
DAY 34 Wow, this tree in our front yard is gorgeous. It's cool having one in our front yard. Shame about the shrubs. Are they dead?
DAY 43 Our neighbors behind us have a two story house, and every night, promptly at 10, someone goes upsairs with the windows open and turns on the lights. It fills our house like a goddamn search light.
DAY 49 Fuckity fuck. There's too much rain. End-of-the-world rain. We just got our yearly average in just two frigging weeks. Wow.
DAY 52 Hey, I think it's finally okay to say it stopped raining
DAY 53 Wow, those weeds sure did grow fast. Some are up to my hip!
DAY 67 Look! The tree has bloomed! Oh, that is so gorgeous. And the shrubs are blooming too! Even the shrubs I thought were dead!
DAY 68 BEES! Thousands of them! They're all over the trees and the shrubs on the walkway! I'm afraid to walk indoors from the car in fear of bothering them.
DAY 74 We got a note from the homeowner's association about the weeds in the front yard. I just fucking pulled the weeds!
DAY 84 Shit, what the fuck are these white cloth-like postules under the table? Are these... Yes, they've got to be. Spider eggs. And they've hatched.
DAY 86 Why is there a cricket in the bathroom?
DAY 89 There are ants in my cat's food.
DAY 97 Goddammit. They've shut the fucking heat off. Totally my fault. But I'm not used to paying three utility bills. I've only ever had to pay for electricity! Who ever heard of paying for water? That's crazy talk!
DAY 100 I think that's the third spider I've killed today.
DAY 102 The sink faucet handle popped off. I'd get around to just installing a new one, except I wouldn't know where to begin.
DAY 107 No, fuck you flies!
DAY 114 The gas is back on. Fucking cost me near 200 dollars to get it turned back on. Do you know how much the electric company would want if they had to turn the power off and then back on? 60 bucks. What the fuck makes the fucking gas company so goddamn special? Fucking cockheads.
DAY 117 I've been getting these little pimple-like things all over my body. They look like insect bites. Except I've never seen any ants or anything in my bed.
DAY 121 The weeds in the backyard have gotten so tall birds can perch on them. I just fucking pulled those weeds!
DAY 128 There is a cricket in the bathroom. The bathroom walls are making its chirp 4000 times louder. I cannot find the motherfucker to kill it.
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with love from CRS @ 1:34 PM
Monday, May 23, 2005
DAY 1 Look at this house! Wow! Look at all this space in the kitchen! There's 3 bedrooms, so our roommate, Matt, can sleep in his own room, instead of on the floor in the living room! A washer and drier! A two car garage! Awesome!
DAY 2 Geez, there are a lot of dead crickets all over the place. The last tenants must've insect bombed the place before they moved out. There are like, at least two dead crickets in every room. Hope that's not too bad a sign.
DAY 8 Hmm. The drier doesn't seem to work. How irritating. Oh well, no biggie.
DAY 24 Fuck! I think I just broke the washer! Why would they make them that way? Who's idea was that?
DAY 27 I woke up this morning to the stench of cattle or a zoo or something. Irritating. Jesus.
DAY 30 Hey, there's a dairy farm not one block away from our house. How cool. There's a sign that says smell, insecticide, and dust will travel up to one mile away. That explains the stink. Insecticide, though? Hmm.
DAY 32 We have new neighbors behind us. They seem like nice people, like a nice family. So we know they won't be blasting any loud music or anything :)
DAY 34 Wow, this tree in our front yard is gorgeous. It's cool having one in our front yard. Shame about the shrubs. Are they dead?
DAY 43 Our neighbors behind us have a two story house, and every night, promptly at 10, someone goes upsairs with the windows open and turns on the lights. It fills our house like a goddamn search light.
DAY 49 Fuckity fuck. There's too much rain. End-of-the-world rain. We just got our yearly average in just two frigging weeks. Wow.
DAY 52 Hey, I think it's finally okay to say it stopped raining
DAY 53 Wow, those weeds sure did grow fast. Some are up to my hip!
DAY 67 Look! The tree has bloomed! Oh, that is so gorgeous. And the shrubs are blooming too! Even the shrubs I thought were dead!
DAY 68 BEES! Thousands of them! They're all over the trees and the shrubs on the walkway! I'm afraid to walk indoors from the car in fear of bothering them.
DAY 74 We got a note from the homeowner's association about the weeds in the front yard. I just fucking pulled the weeds!
DAY 84 Shit, what the fuck are these white cloth-like postules under the table? Are these... Yes, they've got to be. Spider eggs. And they've hatched.
DAY 86 Why is there a cricket in the bathroom?
DAY 89 There are ants in my cat's food.
DAY 97 Goddammit. They've shut the fucking heat off. Totally my fault. But I'm not used to paying three utility bills. I've only ever had to pay for electricity! Who ever heard of paying for water? That's crazy talk!
DAY 100 I think that's the third spider I've killed today.
DAY 102 The sink faucet handle popped off. I'd get around to just installing a new one, except I wouldn't know where to begin.
DAY 107 No, fuck you flies!
DAY 114 The gas is back on. Fucking cost me near 200 dollars to get it turned back on. Do you know how much the electric company would want if they had to turn the power off and then back on? 60 bucks. What the fuck makes the fucking gas company so goddamn special? Fucking cockheads.
DAY 117 I've been getting these little pimple-like things all over my body. They look like insect bites. Except I've never seen any ants or anything in my bed.
DAY 121 The weeds in the backyard have gotten so tall birds can perch on them. I just fucking pulled those weeds!
DAY 128 There is a cricket in the bathroom. The bathroom walls are making its chirp 4000 times louder. I cannot find the motherfucker to kill it.
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