CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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BUSHWHACKER: Bushwhacking the election!

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

this entry brought to you by the streets, "fit but you know it"




Last night, I was up all night, worried. Worried that the American people of America are about to get the short end of the stick.

Let me be honest with you: I don't know how to address you folks. Should I call you "citizens"? That makes you sound like you have rights, dunnit? But if I just call you "slaves" or "The Soon-To-Be-Utterly-Doomed-Populace", that just sounds, well, depressing, ya know? Even if it is a truthful. So my worry is that y'all are about to get the short end of my vocabulary stick, if you know what I mean.

So I'll just get it over with, because I guess it doesn't really matter. The polls say the average American just adores me because my words are easy to understand and not all complex. One could even say I sound "subliterate", which makes people feel like they can relate with me more. Knowing this, I think I should just shoot straight from the heart.

Good Evening, The-Soon-To-Be-Utterly-Doomed-Populace-of-The-Nation-Once-Referred-To-As-"America". It is I, the Great and Mighty Bushwhacker. Behold my Fist of Obedience, and weep.

So anyway. I was watching the debates the other night, and lemme tell you, that Tivo is some awesome technology, isn't it? I wanted to see how I did against SKerry them two, er, three nights, so I just TiVo'd 'em up, and the first thing I did when I set foot back in The White House after days of shmoozing and playing golf, I fired that sucker up. Boy, I'd sure missed a lot of reruns of Friends. They played the one where Joey confuses the word "homo-sapien" with "homo-sexual"! That one's funny because I make the same damned mistake.

Anyhow, after seven or eight episodes of Friends, I watched the entirety of the three debates and the seven or eight episodes of Friends that played between the debates-- without commercials!!!. And I gotta level with you, I came off as kind of a spoiled brat, didn't I?



I could go about explaining it one of two ways. I could explain it that Senator SKerry had some of his SKerry hypno rays emanate from your televisions (and recorded onto your TiVos) to put some sort of gobbledy-gook hypno spell on you into thinking that his strange, foreign, multi-syllabic book lernin' vo-cab-u-ma-lary was somehow making sense.



Or I could explain it that I'm a spoiled brat who has had his entire life handed to him by his mommy and pappy who managed to always be there to support him and help him fail upward and never have to explain himself or, you know, do anything. I could say that I was scared and witless once I glanced nervously around the room and couldn't find my mommy, and the words coming out of my earpiece from Karl Rove just started sounding like Korean or Iraqian or something and, like a guilty bully finally forced to explain myself, I fell back on the ol' reliable stuff I'd said before. Things like: "September the 11th changed how America must look at the world..." and "The Taliban are no longer in power..." and "America and the world are safer..." and "IT'S A HARD JOB! LAY OFFA ME!"

But I will explain it by saying the following: Shit, man, nobody's perfect, right? And that's why y'all love me. High five, anyone?

Of course, it's not like the debates really mattered. Shit, I know I'm not going to win the election-- if I didn't win it four years ago, back when people just didn't like me, I certainly have no chance in hell now that half of the country absolutely hates my damned guts. And they ought to! The name of The Bushwhacker is supposed to strike fear in people's hearts!

'Course, my armies of horrible Necronomicon-memorizin', end-of-the-world-sooth-sayin' minions have done their best to make sure that we reject thousands of potentially acceptable registration forms, that we use electronic voting that absolutely will not leave a paper trail in case there's a glitch and we need to recount 'em, that we have henchmen waiting for any sort of "liberal trouble" in the voting booths at such swing states as Ohio and Arizona and, well, just about anywhere else that I might have a chance at losing.

Why am I telling y'all all this? Because even if, despite my hefty efforts to make sure of the contrary, when I don't win by sneaky, underhanded means, I'm just going to have some bullshit maelstorm conjure up like I did four years ago and have my bought-and-paid-for Supreme Court justices rule me in. It's easy and it's fun! But it's also kinda obvious, especially after the shit I pulled last election, so I'd rather do it with slithery connivingness. Like a fox! Or a snake! Or some kind of snake/fox combination. A snox!

And after that, who knows what the next four years will bring? Well, I mean, aside from horror and endless, mind-melting cynicism, and certainly no more legitimate elections from here until eternity.

Thank you! Thank you all! And good night.

END COMMUNICATION.
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with love from CRS @ 11:42 AM 

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