CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .

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THE JUICEWHACKER!

Monday, June 07, 2004

this entry brought to you by the strokes, "last nite"

note: this was originally written back in january, the day after the state of the union address. due to scribble's performance, I couldn't post it until february, and immediately afterward scribble went down for good. in order to afford you the chance to read it, I offer it again. If you're new to my page and don't know anything about Bushwhacker, well, it's not difficult to get the gist, now is it?




Good evening, my fellow Americans of America. This is The Diabolical Bushwhacker, aka The Big Dub, aka Ferrari.

Tonight, as I address the address on the state of the union, some of you might be asking yourselves, "Why 'Ferrari'? Why would he randomly choose the nickname 'Ferrari' for himself, and then mention it as if we were already referring to him as 'Ferrari'?" Well, I was listening to that funky-fresh song "Wanksta" by 50 Cent, and I figured, if he can do it, then surely I, the All Powerful Bushwhacker, can get in on a deal like that. But you know, I'm still The Bushwhacker to my homies. Don't be fooled by these Constitution-shredding Acts that I got. I'm still Dubya From The Block.

Anyway, let Ferrari get back to the point he needs to make right heesy about this addressizzle.

Firstly, how do you all like that 20 billion I'm planning on pulling out of already spiraling deficit for a mission to Mars that probably won't ever go anywhere concrete? It's probably resting real easy after that 87 billion I asked Congress for to continue the Wizzar in Iraq that nobody in particular asked for. Didn't see that one coming, did you? Of course you didn't. Didn't mean it stung any less of course, but at least you you know that with this administration, every time my face shows up on the telly, I'm probably going to be talking about billions upon billions of dollars I plan on spending needlessly. See? Being a Supervillain of Supervillianry proportions like ol' Ferrari doesn't mean you have to expect devastating, crushing blows, one right after another. Sometimes I like to soften the blow a little softer by letting you see it coming a mile away.

But let me make a definite point here. Even when you're the Supervillain Extraordinare, 20 billion-- with a b!-- plus 87 billion from a couple months ago isn't that easy to come by. Where the hell is all that money going to come from, you might be axing yourself. The answer, of course, is in giant tax hikes for the middle class-- what did you expect?

However, I'm here to tell you today, it's not just about those crippling, yet predictable tax hikes. There are alternatives to milking your taxmonies dry to oil the well-funded pockets of the Military Machine and the people that profit from it. After much brainstorming, my administration has come up with a way to help fund the never-ending bloodshed in The Evil Part of the World, as well as stupid, superficial space plans that won't benefit anyone.

And so, I present to you...



THE JUICEWHACKER!

That's right. The Bushwhacker is going to sell to you the ultimate in juicing technology, The Juicewhacker. With its three settings-- "Juice", "Juicier", and "Juiciest", it'll turn any household vegetable, fruit, or mineral that you can buy at the grocery store into the most delicious, natural drink money can buy.

How much would you have to pay for a tall, cool glass of 100% orange juice from the grocery store? 75 dollars? 80? Folks, for the fancy, designer brand orange juice in your grocer's refringerated section, you could be paying 100 dollars, all for a gallon of juice. For one gallon!

Not with the JUICEWHACKER! All it takes is a handful of any combination of natural produce to create a tall, cool, refreshing glass of your favorite juice substance.

"But Bushwhacker!" I hear you saying. "How do I know this patented technology works?"

Well, you don't have to take my word for it! Just look at the few lucky troops in the Middle East that aren't part of an ever-expanding, depressing heap of dead. They're required at least three glasses of juice from the JUICEWHACKER a day. It helps keep them energized, revitalized, with high morale, ready to take on Evil Doers day in and day out. All you have to do is look at our results! Just yesterday, we opened up one new school!! A new school! A school where they'll learn of The Great Bushwhacker, the Villain Who Saved Them From a Slightly Worse Villain, and will grow to love Americans and McDonald's French Fries and Mom's apple pie! I mean, you can't argue with that kind of hard evidence! At least, not until it gets blown up by "friendly fire" or a terrorist or something.

How much would you pay for a wonderful, blessed-by-Jesus-himself juice-makin' machine like this? 86.7 billion dollars?

You can get this revolutionary machine ordered directly to your door for the low, low price of 71 monthly installments of $3,738! If you drink only 60 glasses of juice per day, in just forty years it'll pay for itself! Think of the savings!

Listen folks, you might want to order this Juicewhacker. Not only is it patented and Juice-a-licious, we're going to get the money from you whether it be very slowly from your paychecks, or through the 71 monthly installments. And this way, you get a handy-dandy juice machine instead of just a feeling that you've just been violated. And not the good kind of violation, either!

Good evening, and God bless. Respect to my homie Ash-C. Peace out.

END COMMUNICATION.
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with love from CRS @ 8:10 PM 

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