bitterisataste: words and ramblings

NEW CHRISTMAS SONGS I WROTE!

2011-12-25T14:24:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by gorillaz, "clint eastwood"

The problem with Christmas, of course, is Christmas music. I don't know why, but it's impossible to go out into public without Christmas music being forced in your ears no matter where you go. I don't know if they've done research and they've found that Christmas music makes people spend more money than just the reminder of a calendar which they already have on their phones, computers, and walls. But whatever. The real problem is that there are only around fifteen Christmas songs total, each having been done literally hundreds of times by any shitty musician desperate enough to make the most amount of money with the least amount of work.

This has got to stop. I understand that I can't convince corporate America to stop with the weird religious-themed ubiquity despite the fact that there's not a single person who actually likes it, but what I can do is write some new songs for everyone to cover over and over again into oblivion, for variety's sake. Here they are. Feel free to do your own versions of them and tell your least creative friends.

"Shove Some Christmas in Your Pipe and Smoke it You Damn Hippie"

"Christmas Time Is Here (No Escape)"

"What's So Funny About Peace, Love, and Christ's Birth?"

"Red-Red-Rudolphy-Dingle-Lingle-Coo-Coo-Ca-Christmas-a-Blammo-Gasm"

"The One Eyed, One Horned, Flying, Purple People Eater (of Christmas)"

"Christmas In Hollis (is Goddamn Depressing)"

"Santa Ain't No Homo"

"Santa Claus Won't Stop Kissing Mommy"

"I Know The Holidays Are Stressful But I Wish You a Merry Suicide"

"No One Knows What Begotten Means"

"This Christmas I Give You Cunnilingus"

"Get Your Damn Paws Off My Baby, Baby Jesus"

"This Fuck Fest Is The Best Christmas Miracle"

"Oh Holy Night Before Deeply Discounted Prices"

"Grew Up Rich, So Christmas Always Ruled"

"Let's All Try to Capture Santa Claus"

"Santa Claus is Coming (Hide the Porn)"

"I Know It's Not Easter Yet But Why Did You Forsake Him, Lord?"

"They're Going to Take Santa's Legs Because of Diabetes"

"All I Want For Christmas is Go Fuck Yourself"

"Everyone Assumes Satan Doesn't Want Christmas Presents (But He Does)"

"That Mistletoe Gave Me Mouth Herpes"

"Walking in a Nuclear Winter Wonder Wasteland"

"Let's Leave Presents Under a Six Foot Fire Hazard"

"We're Both Married in the Eyes of the Snowman God"

"My Mother The Christmas Whore"

"Merry Bad Economy, Whitey! This Christmas You're Moving Into Our Neighborhood"
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REASONS TO BE THANKFUL 2011!

2011-12-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by primal scream, "swastika eyes"

Generally speaking, every year at Thanksgiving, I write a list of things that we should be thankful for. This year, I wrote absolutely nothing on Thanksgiving day, nor any of the days leading up to it or after it. But just because this is late doesn't mean you can't be thankful for stuff. Stuff like the following:

Scarlett Johansson's left breast. God bless America.

The world just passed its 7 billionth birth. While this might not sound good for the planet, when it comes down to it, that means more Soylent Green for you when shit goes real bad.

The economic inequality in America is catastrophic, not fucking catastrophic. *

If you're Native, you can hate the white man for Thanksgiving and Christmas if you think about it, so you've got yourself a twofer.

Black Friday deals started at Midnight this year, so you could Black Friday all night with crowds of strangers, emerging from the building exhausted and disoriented from a lack of sleep and utterly exhausted like a guilty alcoholic, the sun blinding you, allowing you to wonder exactly how the hell things got to this.

The Walking Dead season two. I hope this show lasts twenty years. Even if all the current cast is dead and replaced by another cast eight times over, I want an ongoing human drama with zombies in it. Also, one would hope, with Scarlett Johansson's boob making a guest appearance during sweeps.

Emma Stone has not started hanging out with Lindsay Lohan or that ilk.

For that matter, neither has Emma Watson.

The world didn't end twice like that asshole pastor said during the last year, so that's good. Even if you really really want the world to end, you should still be thankful of this because at least you have one more year to get your shit together.

No matter how bad the economy gets, your local electric company can afford to sponsor an entire neighborhood in your city with the power for insane Christmas light decorations. So when you're selling blood to keep the electricity on this holiday, remember, you're just a ride through that community away from being filled with Christmas Cheer.

We live in an era where if a relative says something nasty to you during family get-togethers, you can hold back your tongue, make a few fake Facebook accounts when you get home, and harass them until they commit suicide.

Amazon has so many great cyber deals, you can do all your shopping and never stop masturbating. Well, for that matter, you could be masturbating while enduring the crowds at your favorite retail outlet, but everyone will be too busy punching each other in the throat for HDTVs to give a shit.
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*you bet your ass I'll use this joke from the last year's entry!
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When Babies Decide to Talk

2011-12-10T11:10:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by harlem shakes, "niagara falls"

Lenore will be two in a few days, and she's a late talker. She can say some a handful of words, but it's frustrating because every other child that we ever encounter that is the same age as her can practically say entire sentences, albeit ones that only have three words or so, while my baby babbles along constantly, giving out an emphatic "Thank you!" when you give her stuff, but almost nothing else.

And when you witness this, it's interesting what she decides she wants to learn to say and what she doesn't. Her first words was not "Da-da" or "Ma-Ma", it was "Bye bye!" She's been saying bye-bye as clear as day for months and months now, saying it when she leaves the room, saying it at bed time, saying it when mommy heads out to work, but she won't say "Ma-ma". She can say mama, we've heard her say it, but she refuses for the most part.

I spent a lot of yesterday trying to get her say "Please", only to discover that she'd gone and taught herself "Shoes!" without any prompting whatsoever. Not "Ma-ma". Not "Milk", not "Food", not "Celest" (her sister), but shoes.
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Why Can't Adults Ask Strangers To Be Friends?

2011-12-09T10:58:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by gorillaz, "clint eastwood"

I went to Walgreens the other day and the girl that helped me was super friendly and dressed in exactly the way that tends to grab my attention. And it made me think, I wonder what she's like as a friend. I wish I could just ask her to hang out.

But you can't. And that seems kind of frustrating to me. For one thing, you can't just go up and ask a girl totally cold to spend one-on-one time with you. Of course guys do it all the time at bars or other social settings, but it's weird to just ask a girl for some face time when she's at work, especially when you aren't a regular and haven't worked up a rapport with her. But you know what? It does happen. I've had several female friends at work come up to me and say "Hey Chris, that guy over there just gave me his number. I've never seen him before in my life." But generally this is still in dating circumstances. If you're a girl and you're at work and some jerk comes up and asks if you want to go out sometime, he's asking if you want to fuck sometime in the future. He does not mean "Hey, want to get to know one another on a meaningful, yet purely platonic level? You seem like an interesting chat." And it bothers me that you can't do that. That you can't spend a few minutes at a cash register and say "You know what? This conversation was fun. Let's hang out some time. I have no plans to fuck you."

But think about it-- it's weird even to do with the same sex. How does a guy go up to another guy, in a non social situation, and just say, "Dude. Nice shirt. I too listen to the music bands that you are interested in. Let's hang out, maybe have a soda down at the soda restaurant." If you were to do that, you would either be rebuffed because the dude assumed you were gay, or else you would then have a new gay boyfriend.
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Texas Education is Different Than in Other States

2011-12-08T10:49:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by the flaming lips, "i can be a frog"

I grew up in El Paso, TX. There, a C is 79-75, and a D is 76-70. Anything below a 70 is a failure. We moved to California when I was 16 and I was completely appalled that you could get a 60% on your report card and still pass. I thought those kids were super lazy and spoiled. Imagine my surprise when I found out that's how most of the country did it. And keep in mind I'm from Texas.
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The Somewhat Slow Six at Target

2011-12-07T18:55:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by living things, "bom bom bom"

I saw this girl at Target. It really made me sad.

I would say on that on a scale of one to ten, she was a six. Not bad; not anything to write home about, but if you're a six yourself, a perfectly fine catch.

And I approached her, and up close it was immediately obvious what you couldn't tell from just a few feet away. She was one of those secret retards. You couldn't spot her from halfway across the room, but the second she started talking all she said was "LEARNINGDISABILITYLEARNINGDISABILITY."

And you immediately regret the past few seconds, you wish you could just erase the moment where you decided this was the cash register queue you had to go to, you want to say "OH shit. Sorry, I shouldn't have engaged you. I will go somewhere else now."

But let's say you're at a bar and you're drunk and there's a six right next to you. You won't even know how obnoxious she is until you wake up next to her the next day. I'm sure it happens to people who go out to bars and hook up all the time. A girl who seems perfectly decent at night suddenly turns into a nightmare autistic girl the next morning.

But here's the kicker.

SHE HAD HERPES ALL OVER HER MOUTH.

As obnoxious as she was in conversation I couldn't help but think, oh my goodness. You poor thing. You're not getting any love from anybody.

Because someone would have to be even more mentally defunct than her or fucking blackout drunk to not notice or care. And that made me profoundly sad.

Like, she's semi-learning disabled and a six. That doesn't mean she shouldn't get any love. And yet, there's no way she is, except by people far uglier than her, far more special ed than her, or blackout drunk.

And I just thought, there is no God.
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Nice Guy with a Nasty Surprise

2011-12-06T18:31:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by gorillaz, "feels good, inc"

There's a guy that I see every now and again, seems like a real nice guy. He's tall, he's good looking, has an agreeable sense of humor, and likes nerdy stuff, so there's always that to talk about. And one day he took his shirt off to reveal that he was wearing an undershirt, and he had nipples that could cut glass.
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POLARITY 361

2011-12-05T06:44:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by beck, "nausea"

THE GOOD

Gabby Gifford's recovery Her husband's book about the experience has been out for a little while and he's been doing the promotional circuit, and when she can, she's been with him. To be honest, I have purposefully avoided it. I don't think I would've been able to see any of it without just crumbling into a quivering pile. Not necessarily because it's so sad what happened to her-- and it is, I shouldn't even have to say that-- but because I'm so fucking proud of her for her recovery and how she's pulled through. Just seeing the picture of her smiling out at me from the cover of her husband's book and seeing his face beaming at her makes me blubber like an idiot. I don't know how I would be able to actually handle seeing footage of her.

The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess Yes, the game is five years old, but I just got around to beating it this past October. I've tried to buy a Wii for every Holiday season since it came out, and before last Christmas, they were literally never available when I had money, so I didn't even get the game until Christmas 2010 when I bought the system. My wife and I were simultaneously half-way through a game called Darksiders for the X-Box 360, which, if you've never played it, is an XBox 360 game with HD graphics, lots of blood when you kill monsters, is heavy on the action and actually has challenging combat, but otherwise is exactly like Zelda. Did I mention it's in HD? So we put in Zelda all excited, and four or five hours into it we were looking at one another and admitting we weren't having fun at all. We wanted to like it, but fuck it, we'd much prefer just playing Darksiders. Nine months went by, and in the middle of September our HD TV died and we had to lug out the old standard def. I initially tried playing 360 games on it but I stopped, saying, why the hell am I doing this? Why not play the Wii, which was designed to play on this TV? In we popped Zelda and within no time we were completely hooked. A few weeks ago the follow-up, The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword came out, and I've been hearing people say how much they disliked Twilight Princess. They're wrong. They disliked the first few hours of it.

Scarlett Johansson's breast Scarlett's naked, private photos leaked on September 12th-- that's right, I remember the day-- and somehow I went that entire day completely unaware. The next day, my friend-- a female friend!-- told me about them saying that she had no idea how I missed them, that they were all over the Internet. A moment later after doing a Google search I was looking at a three quarter angle of one of her boobs, and it was wonderful. No, it was not the most fantastic breast in the world. But it was goddamn near. Also, quite a nice butt!

Herman Cain out of the GOP race Yes, I know someone like Cain would be hilarious for comedy if he stayed but I always hate it when guys like this run, because it lowers the national discourse, and having to go through an actual election year with this iodt running against Obama would've been tortuous. It's just as well that he fell out, though. I never thought he was trying to run a serious campaign to begin with. His entire existence seemed to have been there because the people who run the party really, really wanted Mitt Romney to win and wanted Cain to run to make Romney appear smarter and more qualified, when the whole thing got away from them. Cain got what he wanted, though: his speaking fee has skyrocketed, and I'm sure he's sold a ton of his book.

Laurie Holden on The Walking Dead I really like this actress, and enjoy her in everything I see her in, starting with her role as Marita Covarrubias on The X-Files, but I swear, everything I see her in she dies! I would really, really like for her to get through this series not dead. Please?

THE BAD

Steve Jobs' death I know Steve Jobs meant a lot to a lot of people, but myself, I'm not an Apple guy. Yes, Steve Jobs changed my life with the Ipod. I was curious about MP3 players before the Ipod, but he was responsible for the creation of one that could hold your entire catalog of music, and I absolutely had to have it. Still, other than my beloved Ipod that stays with me everywhere, I could never consider myself an Apple person. The reason I admired Steve Jobs is that, as the CEO of Apple, his salary was one dollar per year. Yet he was one of the richest people in the world. This just shows that CEOs don't need to give themselves salaries that are 300 times the amount the average worker at their company makes and still be incredibly wealthy. I know that in his later years Jobs became more conservative, but to me, this was his most important contribution to society. Well, the most important after the Ipod.

Cold Showers I must have complained about this last year. In the middle of November the water in the shower just stopped being hot. We were miserable for a few weeks or so, until I figured out a trick to get it to work again. It took a couple minutes, but you were fine afterward. Sure enough, right in the middle of November, it happened again. But the trick worked, so I wasn't that worried about it. And then, as of about two weeks ago, the trick just stopped working. I haven't taken a hot shower in weeks. But the hot water works everywhere else in the house!

Madonna's leaked nude pics There was a point in time not too long ago where I thought, Madonna's old, but she is still beautiful. And now... Well. She looks kind of old. But the problem with the leaked nude pictures isn't that she's old-- it's the weird sinewy shape she's in. Her arms look bizarre. And yes, I've said that before, but really, this is a very, very unappealing set of naked pictures, even for an old woman. Also, is she wearing a blonde wig? Is Madonna bald under there?

Black Friday Sales You know what sucks about Black Friday Sales? Besides the obvious, I mean. Let's assume you order on-line so you stay in and don't have to deal with the crowds. What sucks for me anyway is that I get paid time-and-a-half for Thanksgiving, which is the day before Black Friday. So my big pay check isn't until the following week! If the following Friday was when everyone had these great deals, that'd be fantastic, but as it stands, those sales mean shit to me.

The Avengers Teaser I know I've complained about the concept of an Avengers movie before, so there's no real use in going into it here, and I realize I'm in the minority in terms of nerddom. But I saw the trailer and it did not inspire me, and also, I like Mark Ruffalo, but as the Hulk? I unno.
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What The Hell I've Been Up to For the Past Three Months

2011-12-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by cee-lo green, "fuck you"

For those of you who are still reading this page-- and that's a number so small it would cripple me to know-- it's difficult to wonder why in the world you read it. Yes, yes, I'm clever and all that, or at least I'd like to think so, but the inconsistency of the updating makes it impossible to read, doesn't it? I keep plugging away for a few months at a time, and then all of the sudden, abruptly, I just stop. For months at a time. And what's most frustrating is that I actually went a few months living without a home and still managed to not miss a single day. This was, of course, years and years ago.

Most recently I got this horrible writer's block because of 9/11. I had the perfect idea for the 10th anniversary of 9/11. This page existed in a different form on a server call scribble.nu, some of you might remember it, when 9/11 happened. I thought it would be interesting to copy and paste what I originally wrote then as a nice retrospective, to see what my ideas and thoughts were at the time, and how that has or has not changed in the following years.

But there was this CD-R that I burned that had all the entries from that server on it. When was the last time you tried to use a CD-R that was burned a decade ago? Well, actually, I had, just a few months prior, and it worked. And then, on the 10th anniversary of 9/11, nothing. Not even on the computer that it was originally burned on. And i just had no idea what to write. At all. And it put this horrible block in my head that I just couldn't get over. I haven't even been writing jokes on my own. Nada.

So what the hell have I been doing for the past three months, if not writing this page? Well, I'll tell you.

Stared out at nothingness. For extremely long periods of time. It's a boring hobby, but we all needs hobbies.

Tried to fall in the bathroom and bump my head in just such a way as to think of the Flux Capacitor, which makes time travel possible. Didn't actually find the exact spot on my head to bump, but man, my eyes taste purple.

Got pounds and pounds of poontang. Wait, did I say "poontang"? I meant Orange Tang, the soft drink of astronauts.

Found out what "Su-su-sudeo" means. I don't dare repeat the answer. It's... too disturbing.

Killed her softly with my words. Also, stabs.

Balanced the budget by renaming "raising taxes for the rich" to "raising awesome for the rich." Not even the rich want their awesome cut.

Went and joined the protests at your mom's house! No, wait. Hmm.

Went and joined the crowd occupying your mom! Oh, snap!

Still recovering from this girl I met at work who went crazy on me. She went craaaaaaaazy on me! She went crazy crazy on me! And she didn't even warn me or anything! She didn't ask me, she didn't give me a head's up, she didn't ask "Do you mind if I go crazy on you?", she didn't say "Hey, let me go crazy on you", she just did. She just went crazy on me. Not fucking cool.

Went on a week-long high-on-life bender. Woke up in Argentina with a tattoo on my chest that says "LOS VATOS DE POLLO 4 LIFE". Spent the past month being smuggled back into America. Went to prison and was passed around like a bitch. But in the end, we all learned something about ourselves.
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Random Thoughts 177

2011-09-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by unkle, "bloodstain"

Kids growing up in Texas that aren't redneck conservatives dream about Austin, TX, the way Jews dream about Israel. "One day," they say to themselves. "One day."
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Dream About Being a Naked Superhero

2011-09-09T09:22:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by sunset rubdown, "idiot heart"

I was a naked superhero. I didn't have any superpowers; I was more like Batman, and had gadgets. Except since I was naked, I didn't have any actual gadgets, so I would pantomime using, say, a smoke bomb, and it would work. Eventually, someone I saved from a bad guy laughed at me for not having any clothes, and I looked at them and said, "Hey, I'm dreaming. I can do whatever the fuck I want."
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Random Thoughts 176

2011-09-08T09:20:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by sufjan stevens, "they are night zombies!! they are neighbors!! they have come back from the dead!! ahhhhh!" In the song "Diamonds and Pearls", Prince sings "If I gave you diamonds and pearls/ Would you be a happy boy or a girl?", is Prince talking about ejaculating on a person's neck?

And before you say "Oh Chris, that's disgusting", remember, this is Prince we're talking about, and it would not, by far, be the most disgusting thing Prince has ever sung.
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Fuck Rick Perry, From A Texan

2011-09-07T09:01:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by tegan and sara, "the cure"

This is slightly old news, but it warrants talking about. Recently Rick Perry was quoted, referring to Ben Bernanke: "If this guy prints more money between now and the election, I dunno what y'all would do to him in Iowa but we would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas. Printing more money to play politics at this particular time in American history is almost treacherous – or treasonous in my opinion."

I was listening to a podcast that had someone from the New York Times named David Leonhardt, and he commend that saying something like this wasn't without precedent; Senator Al Franken had recently called another Congressman "treasonous", and that Senator Jesse Helms had said that Bill Clinton "better have a bodyguard" if he ever went to North Carolina.

This blew my mind. This journalist from The New York Times was honestly equating a liberal accusing someone of treason and a conservative threatening bodily harm on a person, just to have some sort of equivalence between the two parties. Listen, accusing someone of being treasonous, even if they are not being treasonous, is not at all the same as saying you'd treat someone "pretty ugly" if they stepped foot in your shitty, backwards state, even if you are joking. And pretending that they're at all the same thing is idiotic.

But there's something else I wanted to mention about Rick Perry's remark.

I'm fucking from Texas. And as much as that state goes out of its way to make me totally ashamed of this fact, I consider it home, and believe it or not, I believe I got a great quality education that I wouldn't trade from it. Yes! From Texas!

And no, the kind of people who treat people ugly in Texas are not at all the kind of people who at all know who Ben Bernanke is, what the Chairman of the Federal Reserve does, or how printing more money matters to a person-- let alone that printing more money is exactly what one should do in the situation we're in so that the middle class doesn't collapse.

But never mind that. I resent the idea that Texans as a group are so knuckle dragging, so forehead sloped, such teeth gnashing morons that they would immediately pound anyone they disagreed with politically. It's a giant fucking state, after all, a state that's proud of its overly immense size. And as I said before, obviously he was saying this as a half-joke. But what kind of joke is that as a person trying to run for any kind of office? That you're proud of your people for their inability to listen to an opposing opinion? That this is something you can take in stride? It'd be like joking that your family all fucks their cousins while giving a toast. Of course it's not true, but why would you even say that when people are listening to you?

You know what? Fuck Rick Perry. Fuck him a million times. Texans are sweet people, they're kind, some of them are really smart, and a lot of them are really accepting and celebrate the vastly different cultural backgrounds that all somehow end up in its vast borders. It is a state where my family's car broke down miles and miles outside of civilization, and a biker-- a biker! In Texas!-- bought us a brand new tire out of the kindness of his heart, demanding nothing in return.

After all, they're not fucking Arizona where they literally shoot politicians they disagree with.
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ONLY ONE MAN CAN SAVE AMERICA: ADDENDUM!

2011-09-06T17:59:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by glasser, "home"

if you didn't read only one man can save america, then you should probably read it now, as this will make more sense to you if you do.

"I say old bean, that man didn't say he represented the Queen, did he?" asked the dapper dressed man, who presently was walking up to Apache Bloodgood with a barrel full of rocks.

"Nope," said Apache Bloodgood. "He said he was looking for Tomahawk."

"Because if they think they'll get me to work for them even one more time, it'll have to be a command from the Queen herself."

"Yeah, yeah. We've heard it before," said Apache, continuing to dig.

The dapper dressed man looked off in the distance for a moment, as if lost in thought.

"Apache, old chum. My exploits as a cocksman are quite legendary indeed, but did I ever tell you about the one I never--"

"God, yes, you've told me about Moneypenny," interrupted Apache annoyedly. "For God's sakes, go away. I think I smell someone boiling some tea, go bother them."
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POLARITY 360

2011-09-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by red hot chili peppers, "dani california"

THE GOOD

Labor Day A coworker came up to me the other day and asked if I knew what Labor Day was all about. I explained that President Grover Cleveland had sent in the military to break a strike, and in the process, American workers, whose only crime was to demand that they be paid and compensated better for their work, were killed. Labor Day was his way of apologizing for this tragedy. And yet, for all the symbolism Labor Day is supposed to represent, in the year 2012, it is a symbol of everything that has been eroded from the modern worker, and worse, it represents the general apathy of people towards what's being taken away. And obviously I don't blame this coworker for not remembering what Labor Day is-- I don't know which war Memorial Day is for, and what war Veteran's Day is for-- are they both for World War 2? But I found her not remembering what Labor Day was for as a very good metaphor for America in general. Oblivious to Labor Day itself, but also oblivious to what's happened to laborers.

Glenn Beck off Fox News When I first learned this joyous news, that public nuisance and all-around madman Glenn Beck had lost his job at Fox News, I was pessimistic. I thought that he would immediately find home on some other lunatic network eager for the ratings associated with controversy, or that his already-popular radio show would shoot through the stratosphere, and that I would still be hearing from him just as often. It turns out, miracles do happen. Oh sure, there's been the occasional news item about some crazy shit he said, but the daily deluge of utter insanity has disappeared. Thank Jesus.

St. Vincent on the cover of SPIN I've been fond of St. Vincent's big, expressive eyes and freckly face ever since I laid eyes on the cover of her first album. To see her on the cover of a magazine-- albeit the magazine most likely to put her on the cover-- brought me much surprise. Also a surprise: I bought the last copy of the magazine within a week of it being put on the stand-- I haven't seen any magazine I buy sell out at the local newsstand, unless there's like, the cast of True Blood naked on the cover.

Google + I don't know what the fuck Google + is, or what it's for, or how it's different. But I'm there. I've been there since a few weeks after the Beta was unveiled. So when everyone got on Gmail and was sending me invites, it took me years to finally get one. I'm there, though. So when I know what the fuck it is, I'll totally be there and ahead of the curve. I guess.

Weird Al Yankovic, "Perform This Way" I'm a sucker for Weird Al, and his videos are genius. In this case, I actually much prefer Weird Al's video to the original-- it's somehow even more disturbing.

THE BAD

Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" I want to specify that I do not hate Lady Gaga, and I don't hate this song. But my god this video is overblown. Firstly, there's two minutes and thirty seconds of the most obnoxious pseudo-spiritual nonsense babble setting up the mythos of the video. A mere few seconds into the video I was rolling my eyes and saying Oh god, just get to the damn song. And then more than two minutes later, it finally does. I think the song is okay-- it's certainly not my thing, but it doesn't have anything to do with why I didn't like the video. There were a couple of images I thought were interesting once it actually got going, but jeez louise.

Star Wars new editions Because George Lucas is a fucking maniac, there's yet more edits and shit in the Blu-ray versions of Star Wars. But honestly, this is the worst one yet-- well, after the CGI Jabba the Hutt in the re-release of A New Hope. Although Return of the Jedi is the worst of the first trilogy, I've always really liked the final climactic scene where Vader chucks Emperor Palpatine off the ledge. He's a cold dude, and when he finds a sense of right and wrong inside him, he still does it in a cold, robotic way. Only this time for good, instead of evil. To me it felt like a specific directorial decision, that Darth Vader hadn't turned into this completely different person int he blink of an eye, but he had finally gotten a concious. But George Lucas doesn't like artistic integrity, and he really really likes his new trilogy, so he retroactively makes Darth Vader yell "No! Noooooooooooo!" in the new new version, just like he yells "Noooooooooooo" at the end of Revenge of the Sith. What an asshole.

Shit disappearing from Netflix Streaming Do you have Netflix streaming? Of course you do; it's fucking awesome. Sometimes when you highlight over something it'll say "Available until a month from now", and you think, ergh, how annoying, I don't know why a studio would let a thing be put on Netflix without just letting them keep it there, but whatever, it just means you have something you need to do during the next month at some point in time. What's even more frustrating, though, is being in the middle of something when it gets removed without any warning whatsoever. I'm willing to bet this hasn't happened to you, or at least didn't realize it, but it fucking happens, and I have absolutely no why, and it infuriates me.

Red Hot Chili Peppers Do you know what I realized? I am not crazy about RHCP. I like all their singles just fine when they're played on the radio, but I've tried repeatedly to listen to their albums, and I just cannot get into them. I respect them a lot, and like I said, their singles are great. I wanted to try to like them, but listening to Stadium Arcadium I felt like I was forcing myself to listen to something I utterly didn't have any interest in simply because I thought it was "okay". I wish it weren't so, but I just feel like I'm going through the motions of listening to music whenever I hear their albums, and that part of my booty that shakes when I listen to something I genuinely enjoy just doesn't trigger.

People complaining about the media "overplaying" Hurricane Irene Have you heard people talking like this? There was a possibility that Hurricane Irene would have been devastating-- but it only killed 21 people! So it wasn't that bad! Was Hurricane Irene ove rhyped? Was this just a case of the media making too much of something? I've actually heard people saying that! Twenty-one people died!! Are you freaking kidding me?
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ONLY ONE MAN CAN SAVE AMERICA, AND HE NEEDS TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT TO DO IT

2011-09-04T10:38:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "33 ghosts iv"

The summer day beat down on Talon mercilessly. It was a typical scorching day, just as all the previous days had been this summer, and frankly, the amount of money he was getting paid-- or any man, for that matter-- to lay brick on a day like this wasn't enough. Talon didn't complain, however, and kept at his job with a steady dedication. This was a thankless job, and in a way they were all thankless jobs, but at least now he could have the deep, satisfying fulfillment of actually doing something constructive, something tangible, something uncomplicated and pure.

As Talon wiped the sweat from his brow he could see a convoy of black vehicles approaching. No, they wouldn't dare Talon said to himself, and yet, he knew deep down inside that they would dare. Even though it had been three years since he'd done a job for them-- god, the horrors he had to go through to do those jobs-- he knew this day would come. Feared it with all his existence. God, why couldn't they just leave him alone?

He could hear the vehicles stop behind him, they sounded like large vehicles, probably SUVs, and he could hear doors opening and closing, feet hitting the ground and walking toward him with precision. He refused to turn to face them. If he ignored them, maybe they would just go away.

And as they approached closer Talon thought, of course. There was no way he could make this go away, it would be like this forever.

"I'm not doing it, Colonel," he said. "I did my last job for you. I've given you absolutely all I can give. I won't let you take this last bit of peace and sanity in my life. I have a wife now, I have an eighteen month old daughter. I'm not letting you take me from them."

Talon could hear paper rustling.

"Are you Hawk?" came the Colonel's voice.

Talon turned around for the first time to face the man, who was flanked by four soldiers, two on each side. "Who?"

"Hawk," repeated the decorated officer. "I'm looking for Hawk."

"Oh. Huh. I thought you were looking for me."

"Aren't you Talon?"

Talon nodded.

"No, I'm not looking for you, Talon, I'm looking for Hawk."

Talon pointed. "Hawk's over there. He's running the backhoe."

"Thank you," the Colonel said, and started to move in the direction he was pointed to.

"Are you sure you don't need Talon?" he asked.

The Colonel stopped and looked down at his papers. "No, I'm not looking for anyone named Talon."

"Well, Talon's just my code name, are you looking for a Lance Richter? I mean, nobody's called me Lance in twenty-four years, but I don't know how you guys have it on your official forms."

The Colonel looked back down at his papers. "Richter, Richter.... No, no one on this paper by that name at all. You say Hawk will be running the backhoe?"

Talon nodded, and the Colonel went his way.

Hawk pulled the lever on his monstrous machine, moving the earth itself. Hawk had to admit that it wasn't nearly as exciting as his life had been just two and a half years ago, but in a way, Hawk much preferred it this way. The deafening crank and roar of the backhoe he was perched in was a sound that was much easier than the sound of the cries of the dying, the wet sound of bodies hitting the ground, the dry groan of a man taking his last breath.

It was with this that Hawk looked down from the machine and could see the last person he wanted to see in his life-- The Colonel. He was flanked by several soldiers. Hawk didn't bother turning off his machine, kept working as if he'd never seen him.

He could hear a voice shouting something at him, and he shouted back, "I'm sorry, sir! I can't hear you! I'm running this backhoe!"

Hawk continued his duty for a few more minutes, hoping that the Colonel had gotten the picture, that there was no way he was leaving his new life to return to the madness. But eventually the guilt got the best of him. If the Colonel was here, things must be bad. He had left in no uncertain terms, had made it perfectly clear that he never wanted to see them again.

So if the Colonel had driven out all this way-- things must be bad. Real bad. Hawk let out a loud sigh and turned the key on his backhoe to the off position, and slowly slid out of the cage.

"Can we go someplace where it'll be more private?" asked the Colonel.

Hawk pointed at a tent that had been temporarily set up. "We go there, but I'm only giving you five minutes. After that my boss considers it a break, and there's no goddamn way I'm letting whatever this is to be my break."

Once there, the Colonel began going through the papers he was holding. "I'm sorry to bother you, Hawk. Things are bad. Real bad."

Hawk lit up cigarette and took a long, slow drag off of it. "I know."

"The situation with the Dark Blades has been miniscule for the past three years, since you left. We were even beginning to think that they had been dismantled, but yesterday they attacked a secret outpost in Lebanon without any warning, which certainly got our attention."

Hawk nodded.

"It wasn't just that they attacked, Hawk, it's the precision and viciousness with which they attacked. We also received a video, which we'll show you as soon as you agree to be a part of this mission. It's frightening, to say the least, and the implications put every man, woman, and child in America at risk. We knew that after your last mission, in Iran, you were the only man for the job," said the Colonel.

"Iran?" asked Hawk.

"Yes, Operation Pedestal, your last mission, Hawk."

"Operation Pedest-- wait, are you looking for Tomahawk?"

The Colonel embarrassingly rifled through his papers. "It just says Hawk here."

"Well I'm Hawk, but if you're talking about Operation Pedestal then you're definitely looking for TomaHawk."

The Colonel looked at his papers more, flipping through them. "No, on every single sheet here, it says 'Hawk'."

"It's a typo," said Hawk, putting out his cigarette. "If you're talking about Operation Pedestal, you're talking about Tomahawk. The last thing I did was Operation Strength In Determination, in Alaska. Tomahawk is the big Native American dude on the south end of the site. You can't miss him."

In a few moments the Colonel, flanked by the four soldiers, approached a large Native American man on the construction site, holding a shovel and digging inside of a pit.

"Are you Tomahawk?" asked the Colonel.

The man shook his head. "No, I'm Apache Bloodgood."

"Apache Bloodgood? From Operation Cold Assassin?"

The Native American man nodded.

"Shit. Where the hell is Tomahawk?"

"Called out sick today," replied Apache.

"Is everyone at this goddamn construction site an Ex One-Man-Killing-Machine Secret Agent?" asked The Colonel with growing exasperation.

"Not all of us," said Apache. "There's a new guy who is a scientist who went off the grid when he found out his weapons were being used on civilians. Oh, we can't be sure, but we think our foreman is a superhero who always felt responsible for the death of his girlfriend at the hands of his arch nemesis. There's this tattoo on his arm of the words 'Annie, Rest In Peace', and also, he teleports to work when traffic is bad."
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"Easy-Peasy-Japanesey!"

2011-09-03T09:27:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by amanaguchi, "bollywood"

When my daughter was in the first grade, it wasn't long before she started saying "Easy-Peasy-Jack-and-Beansy!"

I, of course, learned it "Easy-peasy-Japanesey", and I realized, yeah, you know what? That is needlessly racist. It was probably a much, much better way of saying it, yet whenever she said it it sounded foreign to my ears. It's horrible when the non racist version of a folksy saying sounds weird. Makes you feel very, very old.
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My Eight Year Old Daughter Came Out as an Atheist

2011-09-02T13:37:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the prunes, "rockin' the mic"

My daughter told her mother the other day that no, she doesn't believe in God any more. My wife has struggled with her faith for as long as I've known her, and when we had Celest she wanted to start going to church again. It was something that I didn't want to join her with, and while I felt bad about it, I just couldn't do it. I've talked so poorly about churches, at the time I was going through my own soul searching with atheism after years of being a pretty active agnostic, and I wasn't comfortable going to a place when I actively did not believe what they were teaching. It seemed disrespectful to be in a place where everyone around me believed in these things, just so I could be, as Jack puts in Fight Club, "a tourist".

Michelle was pretty keen on the idea of giving Celest options, though, to expose her to God, and to Christianity, and talk with her about it and give her honest answers when she asked, but it wasn't very long before something happened at church that made her decide to stop going, not the least of which was her own burgeoning atheism.

The point is that we didn't stick with the Jesus thing very long with Celest, and she learned some, but it was never something she was exposed to for long periods of time. Michelle became an atheist a few years ago, and while Celest said that she still believed in God at the time, really, my daughter deciding she was an atheist a few years later was about as inevitable in this family as a child her age "deciding" she was going to accept Jesus as her savior in a family of Born Agains. It wasn't something that we forced on her, it wasn't something that we even encouraged her to do, in fact, we told her we wanted her to make up her own mind. But frankly, atheism comes up a lot in this household, and her mother and I have long, drawn-out discussions about it; it was inevitable that just living in the same house as her parents that this would happen sooner or later.

Michelle and I were just watching a video not too long ago about a group of Christians yelling at an atheist family (in a parade no less!), "How dare you do that to your children? You can believe whatever you want, but it's disgusting you would bring your children into it."

And obviously a perfectly reasonable response would be, well, of course this is the way it is. A Christian family would be expected to raise their children in their religion, so why wouldn't an atheist family want to raise their kid atheist?

But a more important topic came up recently.

Celest was hanging out with two friends, one from a pretty devout Catholic family, and the other from a Jewish family, and the Catholic girl informed the Jewish girl that there was no way for her to get into heaven.

And while I know people, Christians even, who would scoff at that, this is a perfectly mainstream belief. By definition, Jews do not believe in Christ the Messiah, and even though Jesus himself was a Jew and he was a rabbi and his teachings were very obviously meant to inspire other Jews on how to be better Jews, the most popular and oldest surviving interpretation of Christianity is that only in believing he is the Messiah will you go to Heaven. Believing that a Jew will go to hell because she is Jewish is absolutely mainstream. Anyone who believes that Jesus Christ is the Messiah and also believes that Jews will go to Heaven is either part of a non-mainstream subsect of Christianity or is, more likely, rationalizing, to get what she knows about modern society to fit with what are obviously barbaric beliefs.

And you know what? It's a barbaric notion that never even occurred to my daughter. Celest came home upset, not just because someone thought this, but she didn't even know why someone would think that.

It's for this reason that I don't give a shit what people think if they find out my daughter has declared herself a non-believer, whether they think it was us that convinced her to do it, that she only thinks that because we are her parents, or what have you. My daughter does not look at someone and automatically believe that they will burn in hell for eternity because of some nonsense they were taught by their parents who, for some reason or another, can ignore huge parts of their religion without realizing the entire thing is nonsense. And whether or not it was her own thoughts or because of us that she came to that conclusion, it's still something I'm proud of.
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"I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOUR VILE TRICKS, TEMPTRESS."

2011-09-01T21:56:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by janelle monae, "come alive (the war of the roses)"

I am very bad about being cold to hot girls. And when I say "hot", I don't mean the kind of girl that I think is hot, I mean the kind of girl who has hair that obviously takes her a long time to style, wears lots of make-up, and talks in this high pitched baby voice while running her fingers in her hair no matter who she's talking to, and wears shirts with her boobs hanging out. You know. Paris Hilton types, except real people you actually know.

I am kind of mean to them. It's just instinct. People that were the type to be popular in high school, even if all grown up now, make me feel full of disgust. When it's a guy I just hate them. But when it's a woman I specifically resent them. Their very existence makes me think constantly, "How dare you?"

What really annoys me about them is when every guy I'm around suddenly reverts to a 12 year old boy and all trip over their own dicks to converge around her. Worse, often this competitive nature that was never there in any other situation comes bubbling up and they all become assholes to one another in a weird attempt to impress her, like she's going to say, "Oh my god, you totally made fun of that guy in such a totally unrecoverable way! Please ejaculate sperm onto my breasts!"

And when she looks over at me, I feel like she's thinking to herself, "Oh look, there's another toy for me to play with and to give me attention."

This makes me do the opposite. I stare at them with contempt and go out of my way with my actions and body language to say "I AM NOT IMPRESSED WITH YOUR VILE TRICKS, TEMPTRESS."

But then I realize that the way I'm being isn't fair. She can't help the way she looks, I think. Sure, she can help the way she dresses, but what's wrong with a sexual being exhibiting sexuality? And if boys are going to stab each other in the back just to be near her, well, eventually it would just be natural to take advantage of that. If I had every girl I came in contact with fall at my feet, I'm not sure that I wouldn't eventually give in to that. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't be aware of how ridiculous the situation is or that I stop being a good person, so there's no reason this person isn't genuinely cool but also a sex pot who takes advantage of the attention she gets. After all, if I want to know her as a person and not as a thing that I want to have sex with, why in the world should I care about guys wanting to bone her?

So what invariably happens is that I'll see her alone, in a rare moment not being crowded by men who seek her attention, and I'll think to myself, here, try some one on one. Get to know her as a person. So I'll approach her and I'll start conversation.

"Sigh. So uhm. What kind of music do you like?"

And they grin and bounce a bit so their boobs jiggle and they run their finger through their hair and say "Oh my god, like, I like the worst shit in the world! I like music so bad I don't even know how bad it is! What about you?"

"Absolutely nothing! I listen to no music at all! See ya around!"
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The Problems With Digital Copies of Magazines

2011-08-31T15:27:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the strokes, "machu pichu"

A magazine I subscribe to just launched an on-line edition, and sent me an email asking me to upgrade. What I thought this would mean was that I would have the actual physical magazine and, when I found something in particular interesting and wanted to see supplementary stuff for it, say, videos, bigger screenshots, I could go to the digital version; so I upgraded. Then I found out that no, this is an either/or proposition. "Upgrading" meant cancelling the print version, and having the digital version only.

This will not do. I read magazines from cover to cover, but if I'm on the Internet and click on an article-- and that assumes I actually click the article instead of just browsing headlines, whereas with magazines I will generally read the whole thing regardless of interest in individual articles. If I'm on any website besides Cracked.com and it says at the bottom anything more than Page 1 of 2, I will cease reading it. This is not something I'm proud of, and in fact, I've had many a tab open for days and days with the intention on coming back and reading past page two, only to eventually realize I will never get around to it. Furthermore, I almost never actually click videos on websites unless they are comedy related. I'll click clips from The Daily Show, I'll click stand-up comedy, but if there's an embedded video, I'd rather just read the summary of it in the article. Don't get me wrong, I love wasting time on Youtube, and will frequently browse stuff on it. But embedded videos? Yeah yeah, I've read the article, I get the gist.

I don't know if I'm an anomaly in that I actively read magazines and look forward to them-- and also have absolutely no interest in carrying around a Kindle or an Ipad to read them at this juncture, because if I lose a magazine I can just buy another. If I lose my Kindle not only am I out the Kindle, I'm out everything that was on the Kindle.

Yet whether or not I'm a weirdo old timer when it comes to my interest in magazines, I know I am not an anomaly when it comes to reading things on the Internet. An in-depth magazine will go unread on-line, because Internet reading is good for browsing, not actual reading. I can't imagine my subscription going to any use on the computer-- I simply will not sit down and actually read the thing in front of the screen, if for no reason other than the fact that reading my laptop on the crapper means burning the shit out of my legs.
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Random Thoughts 175

2011-08-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by jet set radio soundtrack, "what about the future?"

Is it rude to tell someone that they look lovely now that their tan is starting to fade?
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POLARITY 359

2011-08-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by bastion soundtrack, "brusher patrol"

LOOK! a POLARITY!! for the first time in THREE WHOLE MONTHS!

THE GOOD

The baby handing you diapers You know what's great? When your toddler makes a step up from simply laying there and allowing herself to be changed, to being an active participant. The other day she handed me a diaper, the wipes, and then rolled out the changing towel and happily laid down on it. Obviously this means she's ready to start being potty trained. We're not going to go straight to sticking her on the toilet, but we will be buying a potty trainer and let her get used to it. If you've never had a kid before, trust me, this part is awesome. Well, maybe it isn't when you have a boy. I've never had a boy. But with my two girls, this step is awesome.

Franz Ferdinand When Franz Ferdinand first arrived on the scene and blew the fuck up almost immediately, I liked them a lot-- but I thought that first record was overrated. Sure, it was good, but its popularity was way out of proportion to the quality of the record. And as soon as they released their second record I almost never heard from them again. I don't understand how this happened at all, however-- the second album is not only a solid record, but it's far superior to the first one. They even released a third record and I literally do not know a single who has heard it. What the hell happened? A backlash was inevitable, but the only other bands that I've seen with this kind of precipitous drop-offs are like, Disney bands like The Jonas Brothers. They came up randomly on my Ipod last week and I thought, you know, I honestly wish Ferdinand would make a come back-- it would be better than most of what's on the radio right now.

GLaDOS I wasn't updating at all when I was playing through the game, so it should be said: I fucking love Portal! I played the original just this past January, and while I was aware of the memes-- I knew that the cake was a lie, I knew that there was a Companion Cube and that you would become fond of it-- somehow I'd gone all these years without finding out that GLaDOS, the series' antagonist, is trying to kill you. In fact, I initially didn't even know the voice that was talking to me was anything other than a prerecorded message. After a while I figured out that it was an AI and it was watching me, and I noticed that there was no signs of human activity, and yes, she warned me of some pretty dark stuff, but I always thought it was cold, computer callousness-- also, I thought it was just dark humor. And then comes the moment where she tries to kill you and it honestly surprised the crap out of me. The sequel, which is blissfully good, sets up the first half hour without GLaDOS, and I spent the entire time excited to see her again, wondering when the heck they she was going to make her entrance. And yet, despite how much I was looking forward to the moment, when it finally happens, it's in such a perfectly directed way that my stomach filled with dread as she reassembled. GLaDOS is the best villain of the past decade in any fictional medium, period.

Salma Hayek on the cover of the September issue of Allure I'm not trying to say that 45 is old, or even that most women that are 45 start to looked aged. But look at, say, Angelina Jolie, who isn't even 40 yet, but still looks weirdly older than she really is, and look at Salma Hayek. I walked by the cash register and saw the new Allure-- I don't even know what that is, actually-- and I was absolutely taken aback. Salma Hayek is one of the most beautiful women of all time, and I would still want to stare at her over most girls half her age.

We Got That B-Roll Do you need B-Roll of ordinary people doing ordinary things for your commercial? Of course they have your B-Roll. Somebody's got you covered.

THE BAD

Amy Winehouse's death Obviously when I heard that Amy Winehouse had died, I wasn't surprised, even in the least bit. The most recent news that I had heard, around two weeks prior to it, was that she was back! And performing! And sounded fantastic! And then literally two days later she was a wreck, couldn't get through two songs. And the next thing I heard was that she was dead. Still, I want to say that while I wasn't shocked, I wasn't annoyed with the media coverage of it like some cynics and naysayers. Yes, she did absolutely everything she could to sabotage herself, but it was also beyond simply "stupid" and seemed to be a textbook definition of the word "sickness". I wasn't a huge fan of her music-- I listened to Back to Black a few times and found it so-so, but there's no denying that feeling that I had the first time I heard that voice. Yes, it was an inevitable tragedy, but that doesn't mean it wasn't tragic.

The Debt Ceiling Crisis It's been a very long time since I've written a Polarity, and although I've been able to update every day for a few weeks now-- the past year has been touch-and-go with this page and I've been trying lately to keep up-- I have to admit that I haven't exactly been putting much energy in the page even while keeping up with it. And on the one hand, I wish I had been putting as much energy into it as I used to, because The Debt Ceiling Crisis would have been a great topic to put a lot of energy into. On the other hand, I wonder if I would've written about it at all, it was so frustrating and outrageous, as was the subsequent downgrade of America's credit rating. Worse, while I don't blame The President for it and the ridiculous compromise he gave them, I do think that it proves something a lot of us have been afraid of for a while now: Barack Obama is a mediocre at best President who refuses to stand up for the values his base elected him on.

Dress Code For the entirety of my five years working the night shift at the place I currently work, we've been allowed to wear whatever we want-- we work at night, and we're not around customers for long. But we got a new manager, and for some reason, he's got a stick up his but about dress code. I know I sound like a whiney ass-- most people in the work force have to wear dress code. Do you know why I hate it? Now I never get to wear my own clothes. When I'm not at work I'm at home. I don't have many casual go-outside-the-house adventures because I have to be home with the baby. And it sucks having an entire closet full of clothes that never get worn.

Losing one ear bud People nowadays don't listen to radios or expensive stereos, they listen to music out of little wallet-sized things in their pockets, and connected to them are earbuds. And of course, you've lost one earbud before. The ones you bought might have come with "replacements", but they're not replacements at all, they're different sizes. They only come with one set of the standard size. Have you ever tried to buy the little plastic buds by themselves? You cannot. They're not sold anywhere. If you lose one ear bud, you are fucked, and have to buy a whole other set, or else replace them with an old set that you had lying around because you lost one ear bud from that set. It's complete bullshit.

Target closing I don't own a car. I used to, but we got rid of it, because we were sinking too much money into it replacing things that were going wrong every few months. There was a Target within a half mile of here, which is an easy 10 minute walking distance from here. And, for some fucking reason, they moved. They're still in the area-- except now they're two fucking miles away, which is way too far to walk to pick up a new pair of jeans, and there's no easy way to get there by bus. Going from having a retail store like Target or Wal-mart within walking distance and then just not having one is more of a pain in the ass than you could imagine.
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MAN WITH WORLD'S MOST BEAUTIFUL COCK DEAD AT 35

2011-08-28T09:50:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you roni size, "hi potent"

Kurt David Lahman has left this world at the age of 35. He was born in Eerie, IN, and died in Tucson, AZ in a horrible, tragic car accident. He will be missed as not just a loving husband to Sarah Lahman and father to Adrien and Samantha Lahman, as an excellent realty agent who could always be depended on to work tirelessly for a sale, but also for his immaculate cock.

It was at age 18 when Kurt learned that his penis was special. Yes, he'd taken a peek at other boys' packages in the locker room at school and was sure that his measured up rather well. And in the tenth grade he'd had an older girlfriend who told him that his was the most gorgeous dick she'd ever seen, but she'd only seen three others at that point in time, so Kurt didn't allow it to effect his ego.

A doctor's visit opened Lahman's eyes to the real beauty of his cock. He'd gone in for a routine check-up, the first where he would have to remove his trousers, turn his head, and cough, while the doctor held his testicles.

"Wow," the doctor said upon entering the room. "I see a lot of penises in my line of work, but none of them are as fine an example as that one."

Kurt wasn't the type that wanted to make a living off of his cock, beautiful as it may have been. Pornography seemed like a natural occupation to pursue, but he was concerned about the environment of drug abuse and what sort of friends he would have if he went in that direction. College and real estate were the occupation Kurt Lahman decided to go in, to much success.

Despite his lack of professional adult movie experience, however, Kurt knew it would be a crime to keep the world from viewing his gift. He would show it to anyone who asked, or had any interest in the male organ at all. On his days off and weekends Kurt could be seen wearing his favorite t-shirt which read "Ask Me About My Cock", and his avatar on many message boards on the Internet was that of his member.

All who have seen Kurt Lahman's dick, male or female, have exclaimed its virtues, have wanted to see it every chance they could get, and a few have even said that seeing this remarkable penis has changed their lives. Now that there is no way to see it ever again, those that have seen it will remember it fondly, and those that have pictures of it will them. Neither too big nor too small, it was a truly remarkable cock, flaccid or rigid, clean shaven or bushy, oiled up or dry, tanned or its natural skin tone. It had been circumcised perfectly, and it did not lean to one side or another like most penises do. It was a proud penis, a penis that you were compelled to touch, but too afraid to actually do so, out of fear that you would somehow bruise or scratch it.

Kurt Lahman was taken too early from this world. It is a tragedy that he is gone, but we can all rejoice in his life, and be proud that he affected all that he met, and changed their lives for the better. His cock will always live on in our hearts and memories. It truly was too beautiful to live.
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The Long, Agonizing Process of Taking Group Photos In the Year 2012

2011-08-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by stereolab, "ticker-tape of the unconscious"

Michelle and I were invited out to a birthday party for a friend of ours. We sat next to him at the table, and it just so happened that the rest of the people sitting at the table were all women-- the table next to us was where most of the other guys were, and I sat there at this table to be near him, as I wasn't that familiar with the rest of his friends, whereas everyone else knew one another.

About halfway through the night the cameras came out, and, seeing as how I was surrounded by women, I thought, oh lord, here we go.

It struck me how obnoxious modern technology has made group photo taking. Everyone has a cell phone, and everyone has a camera in their cell phone, but, also, most people have stand-alone cameras, so the fact that picture taking was going to happen was an inevitability, but also didn't bug me on its own. It was how freaking long it took.

Someone got in front of the group with their camera and immediately several friends got into their pose face next to the birthday boy. A flash went off. But instead of taking another picture, the camera was then handed off to someone in the frame, who then looked at the photo, insisted that they looked ugly, then posed in the exact same pose and the photo was taken again. And then immediately afterwards the camera was then passed around again, the picture unapproved of once more, and the picture was taken. Over and over again. A single picture.

When a picture was finally taken that was approved by all parties-- when all parties doing the exact same pose did the exact same pose most to their liking-- people were switched out. The people who stayed from the previous picture did the exact same pose, the new people did the exact same pose, and the process was repeated.

But this is the part that amazed me. When the picture taker had taken pictures of everyone and was then done, the next person wanted pictures of everyone, who then went on to pose the exact same way, ask to see the pictures, insist the pictures get taken again, and the process was repeated-- for every single person who had a camera, which was essentially everybody.

I don't understand why everyone needed the exact same picture everyone else had already taken, only this time actually physically taken by them, even though there was no discernible difference in the result whether person A took it or person B. But what's worse is that all these people are all Facebook friends, and all these people immediately went home and uploaded all these pictures to their Facebooks and tagged everyone else in their versions of the pictures-- so only one person really needed to take these pictures and then share them with everyone else.

Now, obviously I don't mind people taking pictures of a night out with their friends so they can remember them later. What was infuriating was the process. Nobody was attempting to take natural, unposed pictures of one another, and nobody was attempting to do different poses in different pictures. But what was the most frustrating was that every single picture needed to be inspected by the entire group and reshot until somehow satisfactory. What would have been five minutes of photo taking in the days before digital cameras, where you took a picture and didn't know if you looked fat or not until months later when the person eventually got the film developed; nowadays when everyone must insist on being perfect in every photo, this took over forty minutes.
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Cell phones really are ridiculous

2011-08-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by wilco, "handshake drugs"

If, twenty years ago, you were to say that everyone-- literally everyone-- would talk on complex cell phones of the future with low quality sound that has a weird lag, so that if one person starts talking as the same time as the other it is impossible to synch back up without several stops and starts, and that also, you will be talking to someone and then just suddenly not talking to them, even when no one on either side actively hung up on the other, that person's reaction would probably be, "Well that sounds shitty, but do I get to have a whole crapload of 99 cent video games that I won't play more than 10 minutes of before I buy another one?"
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"My parents were extremely religious, so..."

2011-08-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by gorillaz, "rehash"

"My parents were extremely religious, so..."

Did you ever notice that whenever a person is talking about their childhood and they're describing something fundamentally fucked up or lacking in their childhood, something that made them feel different than other families they grew up with, they can just say "Well my parents were extremely religious," and you immediately understand what they're talking about without much more detail? All a person has to say is "My parents were extremely religious" and you understand that they did not have a pleasant childhood in some fashion. Even if it doesn't mean they were beat every day, it at least means that their parents were emotionally distant and didn't let them have or do modern things everyone else had.

Isn't this a horrible indictment of religion? How can religious people be proud of themselves when all someone has to do is say "My parents were extremely religious" as shorthand for "My childhood was unpleasant and/or lacking in some very fundamental way"?

Nobody ever says "My parents were extremely religious, so they were always emotionally present and never criticized me for anything that I couldn't control."
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Random Thoughts 174

2011-08-24T09:06:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by franz ferdinand, "take me out"

I saw a friend posting that after he'd fasted all day, just by eating one giant meal at the end of the day, he'd gained two pounds, and was bragging that that's how much he ate. Similarly, I've seen a friend who posted how she has already lost 1 pound in a day, that's how good her diet's going.

I don't have the heart to tell them that during the course of a single day, your weight can fluctuate up to three pounds. But I really, really want to.
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That's Perverted!

2011-08-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by jet set radio soundtrack, "rock it on"

I don't understand why when you were a kid people labeled things "perverted" that every male in his right mind would want to do. For example, society sort of shames you into thinking that watching naked women through their open windows is somehow this abhorrent, disgusting, unforgivable behavior, and you're some sort of pervert for it. Except that if a woman is undressing in front of an open window, every man will stop to look. I can't even think of a single gay man who wouldn't stop to look for at least a moment. No man in the world is saying "Oh my goodnes! A naked women displayed to the whole world! I must avert my gaze, or else be the scum of the earth!" In fact, if anything, the girl in the window is a pervert. Why the hell would you get dressed where any passing person can see? How hard is it to pull the fucking drapes, and if you are drapeless, how hard is it to thumbtack a towel over it?

Looking at a woman getting dressed through an open window is the exact opposite of a perversion-- it's the most normal thing in the world, and I have yet to meet a single male whose day this wouldn't entirely brighten. Now, sneaking into said window and shitting into the drawer where she keeps her panties-- that's perverted.
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Pet Peeve: The Windows 7 Recycle Bin

2011-08-22T07:06:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the latch brothers, "the answer"

This pet peeve might only apply to me, and maybe it says something about some inert anal retention, but it still bugs the shit out of me and it is inexplicable.

The computer I currently own and am typing this on has been owned by us for nine months; it's a Windows 7 laptop. The computer we used for the previous ten years was an old machine using Windows ME, which was released in 1999.

Yes, I know Windows ME is shitty-- you're not the one that had to live with it for ten fucking years. But when I went to Recycle Bin and I emptied it, it told me how much it was deleting. It would ask something like, "Permanently Delete these items? (X Megs)", where the X was how many megs it was deleting.

My previous computer only had 20 Gigs, so it never had more than 2 gigs free on it. And when it would be too close for comfort, I used to take great pleasure in going through and freeing up harddrive space. Some porn files here, some TV shows we'd already watched there, a movie we were never going to get around to watching on occasion. And I'd click "Empty Recycle Bin" and it would inform me that I was right about to delete-- gasp! one and a half gigs! Awesome!

Then I get this Windows 7 Machine and it refuses to tell me how much I'm freeing up when I "Empty Recycle Bin". Sometimes when I highlight all the files it'll tell me at the bottom of the screen after I click "more information", but when there are more than, say, 20, 30 files, it just does not tell me. I'm told Windows has done this ever since Windows XP.

What I don't get is why this would be the case in the first place. Why wouldn't you want to know how much memory you're freeing up? And you can say, well Chris, you no longer have that 20 gig harddrive, why is space even an issue? Well, believe me, it is. Even though I have 500 gigs now, I frequently hover around the 20 gig mark-- by the way, it amuses me when the computer warns me, "CAUTION! LOW DISK SPACE! YOU ONLY HAVE THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR LAST COMPUTER AVAILABLE"-- and need to free up space. But unless I keep a mental count of how big each file is I'm deleting, I have no idea how much space I'm freeing up. Maybe those 30 files added up to some massive amount-- maybe one of the movies I deleted was a massive 9 gig 720p file, or maybe it was only 640x 480 and was just 700 megs. There's no way to know for sure without continually checking "My Computer" and seeing if I'm at a reasonable size.
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Trash Can Guilt

2011-08-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by baths, "rain smell"

Sometimes I realize that it's trash day and that I haven't taken the trash out. I rush out and find that my side of the street has been done, but the other side hasn't yet. Generally there's a half an hour between the two sides of the street, so I go and grab the trash bin and take drag it across the street in front of that neighbor's house.

And I don't know why, but I feel terribly guilty about this. I don't know all my neighbors very well, in fact, I don't even know who the family is that lives directly across from me-- I think it's an asian family? And I'm always afraid whoever it is will come bursting out saying "Hey! What the fuck, buddy! You put your fucking trash in front of my house? You don't see me disrespecting your shitty house!"

When I think about it rationally obviously no neighbor would give a shit, especially if I come out and get my trash bin right after the trash man takes it; obviously I could see someone getting upset if I just left it out there all day. Still, even with that in mind, I can't shake the feeling that I'm getting away with something when I do it.
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I Don't Predict a Riot

2011-08-20T10:39:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by portal 2 soundtrack, "ghost of rattman"

The recent riots in London have reminded me of something I've strongly felt about this country for a little while now: That could never happen here. Not over politics, anyway, and not for any sort of prolonged length of time. Yes, we've had riots before, but they've always been a reaction to a cultural occurrence. They were specific things that pissed people off, that then resulted in chaos. But political riots? We just don't have it in us.

People-- cynics mostly-- often warn that if something political happens, say, unemployment raises any higher, that there will be rioting in the streets. If gas prices go any higher, they warn, people will riot. If fill-in-the-blank happens, people will riot.

But they won't. We don't have it in us any more. People will protest at the drop of a hat, but actual rioting because of politicians? Never. We will never revolt. We will never do anything but stand still and hold signs, and if things spill over into heat, they won't be able to sustain themselves long enough to make any politician rethink their stance. It'll just be a sad thing we see on the television.

I'm not even sure if this is a bad thing or not. People fantasize about the threat of rioting as if rioting is inevitable and, under certain conditions, wonderful. And I just don't know if I agree with that, especially since the neighborhoods that are always the most effected by riots are always the poorest neighborhoods. I think that this is the most key thing. Somehow, people never take to the suburbs and to the gated communities with their anger and their rock throwing. They just burn down the neighborhoods that absolutely do not deserve such a thing.

This is why I don't think rioting or revolt will ever bring about anything good in this country. We are simply too complacent, and too unwilling to direct our anger at the things that they need to be directed at.
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Random Thoughts 173

2011-08-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by jet set radio soundtrack, "teknopathetic"

In the original rules for Monopoly, minorities were not allowed to play in the traditional way. They were allowed to wait patiently, and as soon as one person was clearly winning, they were allowed to beg for hand outs or rob him at gunpoint, but that's about it.
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Hypothetical Question About A Package Delivered to Your House

2011-08-18T10:06:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by trent reznor and atticus ross, "a familiar taste"

A sizable package is delivered to your home by accident. It doesn't even have your address on it. When you look up the address on your Iphone, you find that the address isn't even close to your home-- it's a mile away.

This is an Amazon.com package, and obviously someone spent money on it and will be extremely upset when it never arrives. On the other hand, no one will ever know that you received it, so while it's still stealing, there's no way you anyone can find out it was you.

Do you hop in the car and deliver it to the person yourself? Do you put it back in the mailbox and mark "wrong address"? Do you open it up and keep it? And if you do, when you open it up and find out it's something you either can't use or are completely uninterested in, do you do your best to put it back in and reseal it, sending it back to the person?
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Dream About the Swear Jar App

2011-08-17T14:15:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by portal 2 soundtrack, "the friendly faith plate"

I was talking to this girl who said a swear word, and then admonished herself for having said a swear word. I told her that it was alright to swear. "The only reason, as a kid, I even grew older was to have the ability to swear and watch movies with swear words in them." She said that swearing was bad and needed to add to her swear jar, but she didn't have it with her.

This is when I produced an Iphone (in real life I do not have an Iphone, or even a cell phone at all, so even in my dream I was somewhat shocked at the ease of being able to produce one), and I showed her an app I had created where, whenever you swore, you pressed a button and it gave 25 cents to charity. I even showed her that when you downloaded the app, you could choose what charity you wanted to give to, or you could split your 25 cents up equally among several charities.

I was abruptly woken just at that moment, and immediately googled "Swear Jar App", and found that such a thing exists-- but only to keep track of how much money you're supposed to have when you get to the swear jar! What the heck? No button to donate to charity? I need to find a programmer, pronto!
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The States I've Lived In

2011-08-16T07:56:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by i come to shanghai, "i want to die"

I'm originally from Texas, and I frequently day dream about visiting there again. Not living, mind you, but I do miss it, and I wish I had a reason to visit my home state again.

With that said, I wish I could stop hearing about my home state. Every time the word "Texas" comes up on the news, it is either just before or just after some truly horrible and/or truly embarrassing shit. Seriously, Texas, you're not all bad. Can't you have the decency to stop the bad shit from cropping up in the news if just for a little bit?

I currently live in Arizona. I don't feel particularly connected to it one way or another, but, you know, my kids are from here.

With that said, I Iwhs I could stop hearing about my current state. Every time the word "Arizona" comes up in the news, it is either just before or just after some truly horrible and/or truly embarrassing shit. Seriously, Arizona, it's not like you ever hear "...And in the news today, scientists in Arizona find the cure for a previously thought incurable disease! Let's all hear it for Arizona!"

The only way I could have it worse is if I were somehow attached to Florida.
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Pet Peeve: The Word "Literally"

2011-08-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by franz ferdinand, "do you wanna?"

Of course, the big problem with the word "literally" is when people say it when they mean "figuratively", which is the exact opposite of "literally". They'll say "Literally, my head exploded." Well of course your head didn't literally explode. Everyone knows this is annoying, and everybody complains about it.

But I'll tell you, a pet peeve I have that is quickly becoming as annoying as that is when people say "literally" when the statement they are about to say is completely reasonable, and does not need to be qualified by saying "literally".

For example, a person might say, "We were at the restaurant and my girlfriend just dumped me right there and got up and left. I literally just sat there without moving for two minutes."

Well, yes. That's a perfectly reasonable reaction to being dumped in a restaurant. You didn't need to say "literally", as if I would think you were exaggerating if you didn't qualify it. On the other hand, if you to have said something true but unreasonable, for example, "I literally sat there for two hours without moving or anything," you would need to have some way of qualifying that you aren't exaggerating.

"I saw that the gas was 5 dollars a gallon, and I was literally shocked."

Of course you were, 5 dollars a gallon is unreasonable.

"I saw that the gas was 5 dollars a gallon, and I was literally happy to pay it."

That statement is much less reasonable.
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The Flaws of Sci-Fi Teleportation

2011-08-14T05:54:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by glasser, "home"

Basically, the way teleportation is explained in science fiction universes like Star Trek is that your molecules are disassembled, shot through space, and then reassembled in the exact order they were taken apart in.

There are two problems I've had with this since I was in my late teenage years.

If all of your molecules were, in essense, obliterated, when they were put back together, even if in the exact same order, all the electricity that linked them together would be gone, and in essense, a clone of you would be made with no memory whatsoever, not of who it was before, not of any of its surroundings, nor even how to speak or use motor skills. You would essentially be killing an adult person and making a clone of it with the mental capacity of a baby, unable to walk or feed itself, and you'd have to re-teach it everything.

But even if we assume that things like memories are all stored in the cells and putting them back piece by piece then the memories still stayed in tact. I don't know how this would make any difference to you as a person. Essentially you would be obliterated, and a clone of yourself would be created with all the memories you had, including the part where it was obliterated and re-composed. In terms of how the universe works, you would still be you. Except that you wouldn't have any knowledge of it. You would just be instantly killed and then replaced, and everyone else would continue to go about their lives, including your clone, only you wouldn't know it.

I have the exact same problem with the science fiction concept of uploading your existence onto a computer to become immortal. What the hell do I care that a version of myself is on the Internet having sex with all other cyber beings simultaneously if I died before being able to see it?
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My Night Dressed To Go To Rocky Horror

2011-08-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by portal 2 soundtrack, "the friendly faith plate"

I have this memory of dressing up with the girls to go out for a night at Rocky Horror. I'd never seen it before, the girls found out, so they insisted that I had to go. I wasn't exactly looking forward to it because I have no real interest in camp, and wanted to actually see the movie to see what the fuss was all about, why people would be interested in it, and wasn't interested in seeing it with a few hundred shrieking fans resiting the words. Sounded to me like watching a group of caffeinated children watching any Disney movie for the 100th time-- it's utterly unenjoyable.

Still, here's the thing about being a teenaged boy hanging around a bunch of girls: you're pretty much game for whatever. So the girls dressed me up in fishnets and a wig and the etc. I've seen the movie since then; turns out I was roughly dressed as Columbia. No, not as Frankfurter, which is what you would expect, considering I'm a man, but whatever.

Then we had to go to some guy's house to pick up a second part of our group. And then things get hazy. I don't remember why, but we never made it to Rocky Horror. All I remember is being dressed up like Columbia from Rocky Horror Picture show in public for several hours. And I remember feeling like I was having fun initially, but by the end of the night, who the hell knows where we were or why we were there or how we got there, there I was, very much wanting to be in my own fucking clothes and not having fun whatsoever.

I don't know what happened between those two points.
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The Blind Couple with a Kid

2011-08-12T06:08:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by sleater-kinney, "funeral song"

I saw a blind couple with a child that couldn't have been older than two the other day, and it answered a question I'd always had. Bells! They keep track of their kid by attaching bells to them! Of course they do! Why the hell wouldn't they?
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Dream About My New Job at Green.com

2011-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by queens of the stone age, "infinity"

I got a job at Green.com, which was a news website/editorial/aggregator/community site about everything having to do with going green. It was a pretty small company with about 12 people in the office, and they were all liberal, cute as hell, hip, and there was free food always in the office, all of it healthy and organic so you could snack all day and not get fat. They hired me the day I interviewed because they felt like the site lacked personality. I wouldn't have to actually write any content, I would just read other people's pieces and punch it up with humor, and I was expected to be irreverent and subversive and could swear as much as I wanted. This wasn't exactly my dream job-- I'd rather be writing my own comedy pieces, and I am not particularly jonesing to be writing about going green, but I got to sit down and take stuff other people wrote-- so I wouldn't have to do any actual, you know, research-- and then I got to make it funny! Any way I wanted!

Now, I would like to point out that this is a "dream job goes awful" dream, which is typical. And I would also like to say that I frequently have dreams where I am supposed to be funny, and am completely rejected. For example, I might be hanging out with comedians and all of them just hate me. This dream did not go this way. My humor input was very much appreciated.

The problem is that I was hired on the spot, and expected to start immediately. My current job is an over night shift, so in the dream I'd gotten off an eight hour shift, gone for the interview, was hired immediately, and then expected to start making with the funny on no sleep. And if I took the rest of the day off, I would be fired for not being past my 90 days. So I was stuck there in front of a computer screen, looking at nonsense, unable to think of anything funny, forcing my eyes to stay open.
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Hey, by the way, I just looked up Green.com-- how the hell is that not taken?? Seriously! Go check! There's Go-green.com, Planetgreen.com, etc. No Green.com! Not even a Green.org! How the fuck is this possible?
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My Friend Who Hadn't Heard of Fox News

2011-08-10T07:58:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by pomegranates, "the uncanny terrace treeclimber"

A friend of mine the other day asked me what Fox News was, and I thought she was kidding. But she insisted no, she had no idea what Fox News was. And I fucked her right then and there. Not because I was especially turned on, quite the contrary, I had a bit of a headache. I just wanted to be able to go to my grave being able to say that I legally fucked something untarnished and unspoiled, not yet cynical of this hideous, hideous world.
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Random Thoughts 172

2011-08-09T07:55:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by barry adamson, "something wicked this way comes"

Whatever happened to Ginsu Knives? Why in the world would America stop caring about cutting through a tomato immediately after cutting through a tin can? Aside from being practicaly, it's fucking cool!
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Random Thoughts 171

2011-08-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by spoon, "eddie's ragga"

I've never seen any part of The Vagina Monologues, nor have I really heard anything about it, but I expect that it's various women who come on stage, drop their panties, sit on a stool with legs akimbo, putting their vagina lips between their fingers to make it talk and saying "FEED ME. HUNGRY. HUNGRYYYYYYY." For two hours or so.
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COMEDIAN FROM 2000 WANTS TO KNOW IF CALISTA FLOCKHART STILL SKINNY

2011-08-07T07:36:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by pearl jam, "elderly woman behind the counter in a small town"

Comedian Derrick Reddington fell into a coma after a tragic accident in 1996, and now, just a few months after waking up, is expected to make a full recovery. Doctors are amazed that his verbal and motor skills have recovered so well after being comatose for such an extended period of time.

"I have been consistently amazed that Derrick's brain activity has stayed active during the entire time, which is very rare for coma patients," said Dr. Sharron Chalfant, speech patholigst. "The first thing he asked me once he was able to speak cognitively was whether or not Calista Flockhart was still skinny, or if all celebrities in the year 2012 are so skinny that picking on specifically Calista Flockhart would seem strange."

"I can't tell you how proud a speech pathologist is to hear her patient say complex names like 'Calista Flockhart', whoever that is," continued the doctor. "She was that girl on Felicity, right?"

Family, friends, and well-wishers who have come by to visit him are joyous that he finally pulled through after all these years.

"I never gave up hope," said Reddington's wife Jessica. "I knew that it had been so long and that the probability of seeing his smiling face again was so low, but I always knew against hope that I would. As soon as I saw him he hugged me and asked me if women still go to the bathroom in groups or if sociologists have explained why women do that, because he'd been dreaming that he came up with fifteen more minutes of material on that subject. I started crying right then, just to see him alive and looking into my eyes."

Reddington himself has said that he can't wait to be home with his wife, to be able to eat a nice home cooked meal, and to go back on the road as soon as he possibly can, to return to the life of a stand-up comedian, the profession he loves so much.

"Do bitches still be tripping?" asked Reddington to reporters. "I need to make sure that my 45 minutes on how bitches be tripping still works in 2012."
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Grudge Fucking A Hated Celebrity

2011-08-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by harlem shakes, "technicolor health"

The topic of potentially having sex with a really hated celebrity often comes up between guys, and they will often say that they'd fuck that person, but it would be a grudge fuck, as if fucking people you hate will bring a new kind of orgasm you've never felt before.

I had the opportunity to have sex with a certain obnoxious female politician a few months ago-- don't ask how-- and I was initially completely skeptical. I hate this person, I said to myself, and besides, although she is conventionally attractive for a lady her age, she's not even my type.

Yes, but there's such a thing as a grudge fuck! came the voice of every buddy I've ever had, every hack comedian who has ever been.

So we went to her hotel room and I was ready to go for this new orgasm, the grudge fuck orgasm, to see what this new experience could possibly be like. And you know that strange guilt you get from sex with an anonymous person? You think to yourself, well, that was fun, but Jesus, can't I just get a fucking girlfriend like a normal person? This was like that, but amplified from mere guilt to horror.

I'll admit the foreplay was pretty good because initially she kept her vocal output to just oohs and ahhs, but when it came down to actually doing the deed, she would not shut the fuck up. And moreover, it wasn't just the talking, it's that everything she said were in this obnoxious, patronizing, folksy tone of voice. "Yeah, go ahead and pump that va-jay-jay a little deeper there, guy!"

I tried to force myself through these obnoxious "down-home" dirty talk by imagining that I was having sex with Tina Fey dressed up like whoever this politician was, but then I heard "Oh boy! You sure are hittin' that clit like a trooper! You betcha!"

Like a freight train filled with ice cream rammed into my ass, I became flaccid and fell limp on the bed, twitching, oozing, unable to perform anymore, riddled with guilt and self hatred. I left her there on the bed without even saying good-bye, and took a long, cold shower. I couldn't look in the mirror without imagining her looking up at me and just thinking all the idiotic shit that jangled around in her fucking head. I couldn't even touch my penis for weeks without it feeling like it was going to shrivel up into my body.

The worst part was that when I was able to have sex with people, I could only achieve orgasm when my partner spoke in heinous, patronizing witticisms.

"Ooh yeah! Call Me Joe Six-Pack! Complain about the lamestream media!"
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The Girl With the Pro-Life Shirt

2011-08-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the folk implosion, "natural one"

I was with my wife and we went to Taco Bell, and there was this really cute girl with a shirt that said "PRO-LIFE". I was absolutely thrilled. "Holy shit!" I said to my wife. "Check out that chick with that awesome shirt! I can't believe she has the balls to wear something so controversial! Fuck all those people who disagree! Hell yeah!"

"Which one?" my wife asked.

"That one right there!" I said, gesturing, and right then the girl walked by and I said, giving an enthusiastic thumbs up, "Hey! Nice shirt!"

"Why thank you!" she answered, flashing a beautiful, charming smile, but she also had a surprised look, as if implying she didn't get that reaction often.

And as they walked off my wife asked "What the fuck are you talking about? That shirt said Pro-Life."

It was right then that I realized that I'm Pro-Choice, and that, once again, I'd totally gotten those two confused. And I felt this horrible shame and anger, like I'd been slapped in the face. One, because I'm obviously such a fucking idiot. And two, how dare that chick run around wearing such a controversial t-shirt? the balls on that chick!
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That Facebook Friend I Might Have Put In Therapy

2011-08-04T08:04:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by harlem shakes, "tfo"

Every time I see a picture of a particular friend on Facebook, I'm reminded of one time on my couch. We weren't dating, we were just friends, had never even kissed before. But we were watching television, and she was laying with her head in my lap, one arm wrapped around my leg. And I decided to snake my hand up her shirt and under her bra.

"Chris!" she snapped. "Are you copping a feel?"

"Yes," I said.

"Well then... Okay." And she continued to watch television, and I continued to keep my hand on her breast.

And I always wondered, did she genuinely not mind my hand on her breast but was shocked that I made a move? Or was she shocked that I made a move and was so galled by my utter lack of humility that she just left it there, stock frozen, going to her happy place.

On the one hand, I had already felt someone else's breasts before, but I was still new to this game, and I am extremely proud of myself for not sheepishly withdrawing, being utterly embarrassed, and hating myself, unable to look her or any other girl in the eyes for weeks. Because after all, she was sending all the right signals-- her head was in my lap, and not just for a moment. It had been there for ten minutes or so.

On the other hand, if she went off to her happy place, we already have a word for that, and it's not "copping a feel". It's called "molestation". And every time I see her face on facebook I want to email her and ask "Hey, did I hand rape you 17 years ago on my couch? Or were you annoyed that I didn't go any further? Or, there's a third option, do you not even remember that day, because you have blocked it out? Has even reading this email brought you back to a horrible dark place that you had left buried, and now you need to make an appointment with your therapist?"
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Overheard Between Two Alcoholics

2011-08-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by sleater-kinney, "leave you behind"

I was at Target the other day, and I overheard these two gigantic twenty-something Natives talking while on break.

"I'm telling you, dude. There's this redneck bar thirty miles away that has all-you can drink beer on Tuesdays for fifteen bucks. It's shitty beer, granted, but it's fifteen bucks."

This boggled my mind. First of all, this is Arizona, and there are several reservations around, not to mention Indian casinos. So if you were going to drive 30 fucking miles, why not drive to a bar or to a casino on a reservation? Why, by your own admittance, would you go to a fucking redneck bar when you are Native American-- especially for shitty beer! Why the hell not just buy a goddamn 24 pack of your choice of beer and watch TV at home and call it a night?
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By the way, I told this anecdote to another Native American, and she took it as a commentary on Native Americans being famous alcoholics. That wasn't my point. My point was that people that drink go to weird lengths just to get their drink on.
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"Do You Think It's Okay For Men To Play Video Games In Their Thirties and Over?"

2011-08-02T11:47:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by ida maria, "oh my god"

I found this clip on-line, and I thought it was worth talking about.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

The hostess, I don't know her name, reads a question from a viewer, "What's with men and video games?" And, before she can even complete the sentence without guffawing, continues, "Do you think it's okay for men to play video games in their thirties and over?"

Kathie Lee Gifford immediately blurts that it's weird, and Donny Deutsch, their guest, responds emphatically, "No."

Now, firstly, I don't expect Kathie Lee Gifford to know shit about shit. And, frankly, I don't expect Donny Deutsch, a 54 year old ad exec, to know that much about video games either-- or, frankly, to be hip about anything. I'm not offended, because while it's come up less and less frequently and the average video game age gets older and older, this sort of thing just shows how some people are just behind the times and, frankly, just old fuddy-duddies.

Still, it does come up from time to time, and to me it brings up a much larger question about masculinity. One must wonder what it is about the traditional definition of "man" that allows some things that brought him joy as a child to maintain into adulthood, while others are arbitrarily discarded as being beneath them.

I'm not a fan of any sport at all, especially football. Still, even though I have a complete disgust and total lack of interest towards football, I understand that I'm in the minority. Men like football, and, despite what I like to tell myself, I also understand that intellectual men like football. It's a pretty universal thing, and it's pretty masculine.

But it's a child's game. It is literally men throwing around a ball. You could not define a children's game more concretely. I'm not trying to say that men can't enjoy this child's game, but I don't understand what is acceptable about men over 30 watching other men play a game you literally teach your children to play the moment they are capable of throwing a ball, but is not acceptable playing video games.

This is true of virtually any sport. All of them, almost without exception, are for children, are played by children, have rules so simple a child could understand them. And granted, I also understand that this is what makes them so universally loved, but I don't see how it makes them somehow special. You could say that there is a talent involved in playing sports, and of course there are. There are also guys who could do things in video games I could never do no matter how many hours I invested in it. And you could argue the vitality of the human drama that is highlighted so much in sports, but this is true about any aspirational story any field in life. The fact is that the thing you are watching is a game, and most sports are played with a ball, which is a thing children play with.

Again, it's not that I begrudge anyone of their hobbies. I just don't understand how the idea of a man being into video games is somehow laughable, yet men watching meaningless games that they cannot affect no matter how intensely they watch is acceptable.
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HOW TO FINISH UP THE SUMMER SEASON DURING AUGUST!

2011-08-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by u.n.k.l.e, "nursery rhyme"

The summer is almost over! There's just one more month to go! But now that you've blown all your summer enthusiasm all over the face, neck, and chest area of June and July, you're probably having a hard time keeping a fresh outlook on the rest of August. That's where I come in! Here's the best ways to wind down the summer time while you still have the chance! And if these aren't enough, you can always repeat the ones I wrote at the beginning of summer-- or do them for the first time if you never tried!

Buy that air conditioner you've had your eye on. Now that it's marked down so low, it's the perfect time to buy it! Well, the perfect time to have bought it would have been before the summer started, like, back in March, but you're a fucking idiot, now aren't you? And another August in your hot home sure won't make you smarter!

Bathe in the blood of virgins. Not only is hunting down virgins a great way to pass the time in August, but it will make you immortal!

Hire a crack renegade special forces commando unit-- if you can find them-- to throw bad guys helluva far, and to destroy Al Gore's weather machine. Or at least have them turn it down a couple notches. I mean, seriously, 120 degrees in Minnesota?

Buy a Ginsu knife. Cut through a tin can. Then slowly cut your softest, most sensitive flesh. Just to feel something. Anything. The tin can cutting is just because you can.

Make an omelet on the side walk.

Eat the most heinous, runniest, most foul tasting, dirt covered omelet you've ever had in your life. Wish you'd just gone ahead and made one on a stove like a normal fucking person.

Masturbate to girls on chatroulette for a few hours.

Cry yourself to sleep because no girl on chatroulette will look at your erect penis for more than a quarter of a second without clicking away, bored.

Spend August learning to trust a white person. Not all of them. This is white people we're talking about here.

Head to the beach. Wonder if all the beaches in the world are the murky cesspools they are here in America.

Register a blog so you can pour out your feelings about Casey Anthony's death, and how much she meant to you as a singer. I'm not actually sure if I'm spelling that person's name right, I missed that whole thing, but she sure seemed pretty.

Continue your life as if absolutely nothing has changed, working the exact same hours, and doing fuck all on your day off because you're too tired to do anything real. Because you're a fucking adult, and summers are meaningless to adults.
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HOROSCOPE: UNPLEASANT WOMAN WITH GIRLSTACHE SOMEHOW PREGNANT AGAIN

2011-07-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by nine inch nails, "discipline"

A hideous woman who works for the local convenience store has become pregnant for the fifth time, despite being one of the ugliest humans ever seen by another human being, with bags under her eyes, a bowl haircut, an enormous wart on both her nose and another next to her mouth, and a disgustingly unkempt girlstache which, really, she could just have waxed, it's not like it costs that much, and at least she would be approaching looking like a normal person. Furthermore, this woman is casually hostile, and cannot utter a single sentence without sounding full of contempt.

After many conversations with your friend who also frequents this convenience store as to how exactly it is possible that she is continually pregnant and who in the world would be so desperate as to have sex with her, the two of you come to the conclusion that she is a serial rapist, with a list of victims too ashamed to step forward and report to the police.
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An Atheist Moral Quandry

2011-07-16T12:20:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by foo fighters, "arlandria"

During the recent non-Rapture this May, I heard a story on NPR that, as an atheist, I wasn't sure where I stood morally.

Eternal Earth-Bound Pets. This is a real company that really does provide a service for a hypothetical scenario that will never happen. For a fee of 135 dollars, with 20 dollars for each additional pet, in the eventual time that the rapture comes, this company will take care of your pets. You of course will be unable to, because you'll be raptured up to heaven. This group does not believe in God (and, to make sure there are no loopholes and they get Raptured anyway, every member of Eternal Earthbound Pets denies the existence of the Holy Spirit at least once a month, which is the only unforgivable sin-- look it up), so they'll be around to take care of your pets until the absolute end.

And I don't know what I think of this, from a moral atheist point of view. On the one hand, they're taking advantage of people's ignorance. On the other hand, unlike every other person who takes advantage of people's religious superstitions, this organization is being completely upfront about who they are and what they believe. This isn't the same as some evangelist on the air crying and pleading on air for the audience to send money, and then using that money to buy expensive cars and fuck hookers. This is an organization that says, on the chance that we're wrong and you're right, we're not going anywhere, and we promise to take care of your pets. So since they're being up front about everything, they're not hiding that they're atheists, they're not hiding what they believe in (or don't), so if someone wants to spend their money on someone that's being completely up front, then that's their business.

But there's still the fact that, up front or not, they're still taking advantage of people's ignorance, even if the person is giving the money willingly.
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Another Win For Evolution

2011-07-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by splosion man, the badonka donk song

Question: Why do women have periods?

Answer, According to a Christian: Eve ate from the fruit from the tree of knowledge, and as punishment, God cursed Eve with pregnancy, and a period once every month.

Follow-Up Question: Okay, fine. So why do dogs, horses, and most other large mammals have periods?

Answer, According to a Christian: Something something man has domain over the animals?

Answer, According to Science: Because all mammals have a common ancestor, and the menstruation period has to do with the common reproductive cycle all mammals have.
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Recurring Dream Imagery About Public Bathrooms

2011-07-14T13:43:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "there, there"

One recurring dream image that I have: I have to use the restroom and can't find a bathroom to use. This is common. Except that for me, if I'm dreaming that I'm out in public, frequently I'll make my way to the public restroom, and it's a warehouse filled with stalls, packed very, very close together, with the walls no higher than my waist, giving you absolutely no privacy. The stalls are generally of different shapes and sizes (but all of them too compact for comfort), and when I eventually pick one the furthest from the door that I feel the most comfortable using, it's always filthy disgusting and has feces all over the seat, or has puddles of gross liquids in it.
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Is that really a thing jazz fans say?

2011-07-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by queens of the stone age, "battery acid"

"Don't just listen to the notes they're playing. What matters is the notes they're not playing."

Is this actually a thing jazzbos think? Because I've heard people on TV saying it (usually mockingly), but have never actually heard a real jazz fan saying it. Is this something that people actually think, or is it just some bullshit that sounded good on a script at some point and time and has just been repeated?
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The Dilemna Of Fox News in Public

2011-07-12T13:15:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by them crooked vultures, "no one loves me and neither do i"

Whenever I'm in a public place, like, say, a low-end restaurant or a doctor's office, a place where there's a TV on for the customers to watch while they're eating, I'm never sure how to react when the station is on Fox News. On the one hand, I don't want to be that indignant liberal who can't even be in the same room as conservative thoughts, and I don't want to be the guy who can't just play along and deal like normal people.

On the other hand, it's not just that I have a different point of view than Fox News, I'm morally opposed to Fox News, and I find it repugnant and offensive. It would be like walking into a doctor's office and finding that the TV is set to the cock fighting station. So I honestly feel like it's sort of my duty as a rational person to actually say something.

And there's a good chance that the station was set there by a customer earlier and they don't ultimately give a shit what channel it's on. On the other hand, this might be the station they watch, and will be indignant if I ask to change it. After all, the only person who doesn't want to watch Fox Truth must be one of those lie-berals.
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The Way Most People Consume Pop Culture

2011-07-11T11:50:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by tokyo police club, "cheer it on"

I was listening to an interview recently with Dan Harmon on Marc Maron's podcast WTF. Harmon was talking about why his show gets so-so ratings despite being critically acclaimed, while Two and a Half Men continues to be the number one show. He said that they've done lots of market research on this, and even the smartest, hardest working people, like, say a nurse in the ER, works 12 hours a day, comes home, and they just want to relax, turn their brain off, and watch something comfortable and without challenge. And he said that he couldn't blame them, really.

The thing is, I've actually heard this exact sentiment said by real, non-market research people, and sometimes people that I respect(ish). It's a sentiment that I don't understand.

The thing is, no matter what your job is, it's horribly repetitive. Even if it's a high paying, highly respectable job. If you're a nurse in the ER, you're not rushing around trying to save gunshot victims all day. People come in when they have a really bad cough way more often than actual emergencies, and a good chunk of your day is measuring blood pressure, checking temperatures, reading prescriptions to people. Yes, some days are back-to-back horror, but a lot of it is the same stuff day in and day out. If you're a lawyer, the exact same thing. You're not always prosecuting a double homicide defendant, you're more often than not sifting through piles of paperwork for bullshit divorces. Accountants, scientists, politicians, no matter what job you pick, there are huge chunks of it that are utterly mind numbing. And then of course there are the lower-class jobs, the jobs the bulk of the country have, that are nothing but mind numbing.

So, to me, after 8 hours of mind-numbing repetition and boredom, please, for the love of god, engage me! Challenge me! Make me work that muscle in my head! It feels good! And obviously not everything I watch is of the highest brow possible, but the idea that you would avoid anything challenging because you've been at work all day seems completely self defeating. I want something invigorating, that I don't necessarily see coming.

It always amazes me when people go out and see something like Inception and then exclaim to their friends, "This is a movie that, like, you have to pay attention to," and they say it like it's a surprise. And I always wonder, why in the world would you want to spend time watching something that you wouldn't have to pay attention to?
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HIGH SCHOOL MOURNS AFTER THE TRAGIC DEATH OF TOTALLY HOT POPULAR GIRL

2011-07-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by dr dog, "we all belong"

SUNNYVALE-- Students and faculty Lyndon Johnson High School in Sunnyvale, CA were shocked to learn that the life of Melisa Kinter, a 17 year old Junior, was cut unexpectedly and tragically short in a car accident this past weekend. Kinter and three friends had been leaving a party intoxicated when their vehicle collided with a tree approximately fifty feet away from their departure point. There was one other death in the accident; the remaining two girls are in critical condition.

Friends, classmates, and well wishers sobbed openly this morning outside of the high school over the tragedy.

Nelson Zerbe, Kinter's boyfriend, said that this was something he absolutely would not be getting over soon.

"I found out this morning and I just couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe that she's gone, and that she'll never be back. I feel so selfish, but I can't help but wish it was one of the other girls that died. I just don't know why it had to be Melisa," said a tearful Zerbe.

"Everyone in this school knew that I was fucking her, we fucked all the time. I can't believe this is happening. Now who can I possibly fuck that will make everyone envious? Nobody, that's who. I could fuck a hundred girls in this school, and none of them would make me as popular as fucking just Melisa Kinter. She will be missed."

Lance Dionisio, who lived across the street since their childhood, and had been her best friend for the entirety of his memory, expressed similar sentiments through tears.

"Melisa and I have known each other since we were little tiny children. She knew my deepest, most personal thoughts, and I knew everything about her. None of my other friends have that with me. None. And even if I make friends that last into adulthood, she was the only one that had known me since I was a child," said Dionisio, wearing a homemade t-shirt with the words "Melissa We Miss You".

"The only thing she didn't know was how much I wanted to fuck her," Dionisio confessed. "Ever since I was a kid and we played doctor together, I knew I wanted to fuck her, even though I didn't know what that was. I just knew I wanted my penis to touch her. I just kept waiting and waiting for her to dump that jerk Nelson, and then she would be mine. Now I'll have to be stuck losing my virginity to that dweeb Amy Berardi because she's the only girl I know that actually has a crush on me."

Melisa Kinter even had an effect on students who didn't know her personally.

"I'm kind of considered a nerd so we didn't hang out or anything," said a visibly distraught Clayton Wilbourn, "but of course I knew who she was. She was super nice, was always super friendly to me, always wore tight shorts with something written on the ass. I can't believe she's gone. I mean, my relationship with her won't change-- I'll still masturbate thinking about her-- but I can't believe that she's gone. Makes me wish I had at least kept some of her hair from her comb or rubbed semen on her backpack or something when I had the chance."

Kinter even had an impact on the staff of Johnson High School, with Principal Allan Hanlin commenting, "It's always a tragedy, just a tragedy when these sorts of things happen. Every single student that I lose in my tenure will haunt me forever. But I hope that I can turn this into a learning moment, and teach students that underage drinking so often leads to tragic results."

"Beyond that," Principal Hanlin added, "I would like to say that I'm a happily married man who would never, ever do something as disgusting as fuck a 17 year old girl, nor even think about doing such a thing, and a man my age who does think those things should be arrested. But even I have to admit that that girl was quite fuckable, and were I her age, I would probably have punched a guy twice my size in the dick if it meant fucking that girl once. What I'm saying is I would have hoped that, once she had reached the age of 18 or 19, that she would have enjoyed a career in pornography. Now we will never know."

School officials said that they would be mourning the loss of the other girl that died and pray that the remaining two get better, except that nobody knew who they were and, therefore, could not give a shit.
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The Long Strange Trip Of Getting The Tires Replaced

2011-07-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by portal 2 soundtrack, "i am not a moron!"

We had a car that got a flat tire. We went to the Auto Repair shop that's close to us, and they told us that it would be 500 dollars.

"WTF," we said.

They didn't have any of those tires just laying around, new or used, so they had to be special ordered. "And you can't just buy one, you have to order a whole set," they said.

"GTFO," we said, and left.

We went to another auto repair place. Well, this one we walked to, because the car had a flat. We told the new guy about our predicament. His eyes buldged.

"You're getting ripped off," he said.

"No shit," we said.

"Bring it in an"d I'll cut you a deal," he said.

And we brought it in. On a flat. And the guy looked at it and said, "Well these are 527s. You didn't tell me they were 527s. Well of course. Yeah, no, you need to get these special ordered from Guam. You'll be paying 500 dollars if you're lucky."

"Shit, we said.

"I'm going to waive the inspection fee on account of you guys being so SOL," he said.

We happened to be complaining about this with a friend, and he said, "They're all screwing you".

"But the guy waived his inspection fee," we said.

"That's how they get you," he said. "The first guy you go to says it'll be 500 dollars, then the second guy who doesn't even work for the first guy says it'll be 500 dollars, then he waives the 500 dollars inspection fee so you can go back to the first guy because he's closer and pay the 500 dollars."

"That sounds convoluted," we said.

"It's the way the scam works," he said. "Tell you what. I have a cousin. All he does is replace tires for a living. And he specializes in cars with unique and specific tires. He'll give you a discount."

So we called up the cousin. "I'll hook you up," he said. "This is my favorite cousin. If he recommended you to me, I owe him one. I won't even charge you for the tires. I'll charge you 75 bucks."

So we bring the car and he says "WTF is that?"

And we say "It is a vehicle."

And he says "No, I mean that thing where the tire is supposed to be."

"It's a 527," we said, and his head literally exploded.

So we took it back to the first person we went to, he special ordered the tires from American Guam, and charged us 500 bucks. It would have been 570 dollars, the extra 70 for scraping off the brain from all over the back of the car from that guy's head exploding, but he did it for free on account of us being so SOL.
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SUMMER 2011 MOVIE PREDICTIONS PART 3!

2011-07-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by muse, "starlight"

Yes, I've noticed that this is the end of the second week of July, and here I am writing my predictions for some movies that have already happened. This is the reason why, in years past, I wrote all three months in a row, so this sort of thing wouldn't happen. Nevertheless, it did happen, so to compensate, I have been purposefully avoiding movie-related news and reviews for the past few weeks. I don't know how well Transformers did at the box office. I don't know if Zookeeper has a fresh rating. Believe me, it's been gnawing at me to keep up with the news, but in order to keep my predictions honest-- a fact that I admit I am the only person who cares about-- I have avoided everything. So now I am going to write this, click "post", and then immediately head over to the entertainment blogs and see how I did.

July 1st

Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon
Predicting Michael Bay movies-- particularly Transformers movies is so difficult. On the one hand, you know it's going to be bad, but the question of "how bad" comes up. I only saw the first Transformers movie, and I gave it a positive review because I had very, very low expectations, but yeah, it was a very bad movie. Apparently the Revenge of the Fallen was even worse. Michael Bay has acknowledged that the second one was awful and swears up and down this one will be better. I cannot tell one way or another from the trailer; all his trailers look exciting on the one hand, but they are also always exactly the same thing. Stuff blows up. Shia LaBeouf looks up in the sky at something. Some character talks about how the stakes are so high this time. And there are repeated cuts to a woman that looks like she was made out of plastic who gets no lines but is intended on being the love interest. Dark of the Moon hits all these familiar marks, and since I haven't seen Transformers 2, the bulk of the trailer could be entirely from that one, and not a new, seperate movie. The big question with Michael Bay movies is how much money they will make, and I am absolutely terrible at reading audiences for them. I would love to think that people are tired of this franchise, and that this really and truly will be the one that doesn't break records, the one that is considered a disappointment. And there's a distinct possibility that might happen this time, as Dark of the Moon is a 3D movie, and each 3D release has been disappointing more than the last, box office wise. People are definitely tired of it. But then again, if people were going to see one 3D movie this year, it would probably be Transformers 3.
Prediction Direct Hit, obviously. Transformers 3 will outperform nearly everything this summer. The real question is whether or not it will outperform its predecessor. I say no, it will not. I also say it will come in as the number two movie of the summer, behind one other movie.

Larry Crowne
Directed by Tom Hanks, I was actually looking forward to seeing this trailer, and was disappointed in the lack of laughs. It's true that I didn't expect it to be laugh-out-loud, but the trailer had a tone that it was funnier than it actually was. But still. It's Tom Hanks, and he's not doing a movie where he looks like he's going to be nominated for an Oscar, and Julia Roberts looks charming. Also, Tom Hanks directed That Thing You Do, which was great, and hasn't directed anything since, so that hopefully this will be a more personal, close to the heart project for everyone involved.
Prediction Sleeper hit. Adults like going to the movies too, and with the obvious eye sore that is Transformers 3, there are going to be a significant amount of grown-ups who just want to have a night out at the movies, and this will be the movie they pick. Not a #2 box office draw, or probably even #3, but it'll do fine for itself and make its budget back.

July 8th

Zookeeper
People love Kevin James. I don't know why. Movies with animals in it that talk normally do very well. I don't know why. Put them together, and you're going to get a hit. I can't say that this trailer isn't without its charms, except that I can tell the entire plot already, and the TGIFridays plug right there in the trailer is pretty egregious. It's also weird that Rosario Dawson is almost completely ignored, even though we all know she's going to be the girl he'll end up with by the time the credits roll anyway.
Prediction Hit. This looks to do exactly what Night at the Museum did a few years ago, and with Cars 2 having been out for a couple weeks by this point, there's plenty of room for it to shine for that family movie income. I don't even have to mention that it'll get a rotten rating though, do I?

Horrible Bosses
Y'know how Bridesmaids looked hilarious as a female-oriented comedy? And how Hangover 2 looked like the exact same movie as the first one and seemed impossible not to disappoint? This looks like the guy oriented comedy of the summer that looks like it will deliver. Everyone involved looks hilarious. Remember when everyone couldn't get enough of Tom Cruise's character in Tropic Thunder, but when you saw the movie you were like, "enh"? Colin Farrell here as a balding asshole boss looks like the real deal, and I almost want to see the movie entirely because of him.

Prediction Hit. The movie looks like it will deliver on its promise, and it has a tone going for it that is very similar to what Date Movie had last year, and will probably bring in that kind of money.

The Ward
I haven't seen any good horror movie trailers this summer, and while summer isn't usually the horror movie time of year, there are usually one or two that do well (The Strangers a few years back, Drag Me To Hell last year), so I saw this trailer with excitement. Then I noticed that the trailer I saw said "This January"-- uh oh. This is a movie that has been pushed back from the drop off period of January where they'll release all their shit that couldn't fit elsewhere, to trying to make a buck in the summer. Not a good sign. The trailer looked sufficiently creepy, but there's something about that release that smells fishy.
Prediction Miss. This will come and go without any notice whatsoever.

Ironclad
Here's the thing. I honestly feel like there might be something here, that this will end up being a good movie that will review well. My problem is, does anybody give a shit about these epic swords and armor period pieces? Yes, there seems to be some fine actors here, and the reality is, this movie could be something very different than what the trailer implies, but there is absolutely nothing here that makes it stand out from the pack. In April, this movie would've stood a chance. Not in July.
Prediction Miss. This movie has a 25 million dollar budget, and it'll make that back, but no more.

July 15th

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2
It's safe to assume that most of the movie going public has seen at least one of the Harry Potter movies, and generally speaking, most people that have even the smallest of passing interests in Harry Potter has seen all of them, even if not in the theaters, even if it's just with kids/siblings/friends who are into it. But what's interesting about this sort of thing, about the end of one of the longest running franchises of all time-- there hasn't been a year in my kid's entire life where there hasn't been a Harry Potter movie-- is that it's impossible to not get swept in its finality if you've ever had even the slightest inkling of an interest. There will be people who have never seen a Harry Potter movie in the theater who will be heading there to see it. There will be people who have never seen Harry Potter who, over the past few weeks, have been renting the movies to catch up so they can go see it, because why the hell not.
Prediction Mega Hit. Trying to predict which will do better, this, or Transformers, is trickier than you might think. On the one hand, Harry Potter has never been the number one movie of the summer. Don't get me wrong, Harry Potter movies are immensely popular and always do very, very well, but number one at the box office for the summer will be an accomplishment. Transformers is always number one, but there has got to be some fatigue, and if a Harry Potter movie can do it, this is the one. I'll be crossing my fingers.

Winnie the Pooh
The hand-drawn animation looks gorgeous-- when was the last time you saw a hand-drawn animated movie in theaters? Probably Lilo & Stitch, way the fuck back in 2002. And it's Winnie the Pooh, so I can't tell you how refreshing it is to see a trailer for a kid's movie without fart jokes. On the other hand, it's being released the same day as Harry Potter. What the fuck.
Prediction Miss, and that makes me very sad. I don't know why they didn't release this movie in early May when there was much less competition, or hell, not in the summer at all-- Meet the Robinsons was an original, non-Pixar Disney movie that did very well for itself, and it was released in March. Since this is the kind of kid's movies that's not going to interest kids above the age of 7, it doesn't make sense to release it when it's being released.

July 22nd

Captain America
This movie is a big question mark. With The Green Lantern it definitely felt like a giant "miss", and I wanted to go so far as to call it a flop. With Captain America you've got a bunch of factors working against it. For one thing, as much as the character is iconic and has been ingrained in American culture, behind perhaps only Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man, he's still only a C-tier character in terms of cultural relevance today. There's also the fact that Joe Johnston, the director, has never done anything terrible, but has never done anything particularly inspiring, either (Jurassic Park 3, Hidalgo, The Wolfman). And then of course there's superhero fatigue. On the other hand, the trailer looks really good, and stands out from the other superhero movies; he's fightin' Nazis instead of Gods and overworldly aliens; also, he cannot fly and doesn't have super powers that rely entirely on CGI, so in terms of a good ol' action movie, there might be a lot here to enjoy.
Prediction Miss. And when I say "miss" I don't mean Green Lantern levels of miss, and I do think that Captain America will have a solid opening weekend. I just think it will drop heavily from there and not make that much of a dent over all. I just feel too much viewer apathy with this one, and while I suspect we'll have a "fresh" rating at Rottentomatoes.com, I don't think it'll matter enough.

Friends With Benefits
Didn't this movie come out already? But with Ashton Kutcher? Or something? And it was called No Strings Attached? What?
Prediction Mild success. As much as this trailer lacked laughs, looks predictable, and will be rotten, it's got Justin Timberlake, who is hot right now, and Mila Kunis, who is hot right now. The people that watch these movies and drag their boyfriends to them-- or their friends with benefits (see what I did there?) to these movies will want to see this one above the other ones exactly like it. I think. So as for its total, it'll do whatever No Strings Attached did, but better.

July 29th

Cowboys and Aliens
What's this? A really excellent looking action trailer that isn't based on a superhero comic book and isn't a sequel? Holy shit, is that James bond and fucking Indiana Jones as cowboys? And then fucking aliens show up? And it doesn't look tongue-in-cheek and silly, either? This, my friends, along with Super 8, looks like the one of the most exciting trailers of this summer, and I positively cannot wait to see it. What's more, with director Jon Favreau on, who did the first two Iron Man movies, we know that it will deliver. The thing is, I didn't love Iron Man as much as everybody else did, but Favreau is a capable director, and the material here looks promising. It also echos of early Spielburg (who Executive Produced), although not nearly as much as Super 8. I can't wait to see this.
Prediction Direct Hit. In fact, I am going to say this will be the surprise hit of the summer, coming in well over its budget state side alone, will get a fresh rating, and will end up doing better than all the other non-sequels.

Crazy, Stupid, Love.
When I saw the title, I groaned. When I saw Steve Carrell in it, my hopes got up. When there were no laughs in the first minute of the trailer, I thought, okay, this is more serious territory for Carrell-- good for him. Then there were things that looked like they were supposed to be funny, but weren't. The thing is, I'm okay with comedies being a little more low key, with being about something and actually allowing themselves to have feeling and real characters instead of just laugh laugh laugh. But I came away from this trailer having no idea what this movie is supposed to be. I'm not saying it's going to be bad, because this might be a movie that's actually pretty deep and the marketing department had no idea how to instill that into 2 and a half minutes. I'm just saying I was completely nonplussed by what they decided to show me.
Prediction Miss. I'm sure the budget is low, and I'm sure it'll do fine in terms of making its money back. But it'll come and go without much of a fuss.

The Smurfs
Ugh. Remember how repulsive Alvin and the Chipmunks looked? And how even repulsiver The Squeakwel looked? This looks as bad as the latter. It looks idiotic, and I pray for the souls of the poor kids who get dragged to every single theatrically released family movie over the course of a summer. On the other hand, Neil Patrick Harris is much, much more charming than Jason Lee, so there's that.
Prediction Flop. As appalling as Alvin and the Chipmunks looked, it somehow managed to make a whole shitload of money. I am hoping that when people see this, even if they were a fan of the that particular abomination, they'll say "That looks like they're ripping off Alvin and will stay away.
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Sharks Are Not Very Intelligently Designed

2011-07-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the postal service, "such great heights"

A Jehova's Witness approached Michelle yesterday, and handed her a copy of Watchtower Magazine, which is that pamphlet they hand you. And, for shits and giggles, she decided to read it. And shits and giggles is what we got.

If you could feel [shark skin], you would discover that it actually has a texture like sandpaper when you move your hand from the tail toward the head. Consider: The tiny grooved scales that produce this effect help the shark in two ways. First, they channel the water, allowing the shark to swim with minimal resistance. Second, the scales flex as the shark swims, creating an unstable surface so that parasites cannot find a home there... What do you think? Did the shark's skin-- with its energy efficient, hygenic properties-- come about by chance? Or was it designed?

Now, since this is coming from Watchtower Magazine, we know which side this is leading. And the thing is, if you were looking for an answer to a question you've already asked, IE, "Is God great and all-powerful?", then this might seem like a very convincing argument. But the thing is, if you zero in on one specific aspect of an animal, any animal, yes, they're fucking magnificent and ceaselessly complicated.

...Except that, for example, in the shark's case, they cannot stop swimming or else they will drown. This isn't just not intelligently designed, this is absolutely fatally designed. While there are many varieties of sharks that can in fact stop swimming, the ones you think of when you think "shark", the Great White, the Mako, the Whale Shark, die for the simple reason that they decided to nap for more than a few minutes. This is a dramatic oversight for a creature that lives in water. Imagine if you were "designed" to choke to death if you ever stopped riding a bike.

You and I are absolutely amazing creatures, but we are also very stupidly designed in more than one aspect. Yes, we've got great big brains and we're all sexy and stuff, but our eyes-- which, might I add, are attached directly to our brain, which is otherwise protected by a huge layer of bone-- are the most vulnerable part of our bodies. They have absolutely not protection against basically anything, meaning running into a low hanging branch at a weird angle can completely destroy your eyeball. And, unlike other parts of our bodies, it won't grow back!

Our genitals are on the outside of our body, and what's more, they smell, meaning absolutely every animal that wants to kill us is completely aware of our external genitals, and will always, always, always strike there first. A man can be completely disabled temporarily by the slightest brush against his testicles. Try kicking any other mammal in the balls and you're going to have an angry and totally not disabled animal on your hands.

But man, isn't skin totally incredible? It like, protects our organs and shit from the weather! God is great!
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The Arizona Interactive Science Museum Trip

2011-07-06T11:55:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by electric six, "the band in hell"

When my wife and I went to the Arizona Interactive Science Museum we had a blast. As we made our way through the exhibits we reached a working digestive tract, where you put in large pieces of colored styrofoam, and got to watch them work their way through the body.

Next to that exhibit was something called "THE SALAD TOSSER". We watched with interest as people walked up to it, pulled their pants down to their knees, and press their butt into the machine, which would then make a whirring noise. It seemed like a lot of fun. We watched person after person go up and try it, all to much delight. We saw one guy go through the line five times. When I tried it I couldn't stop squirming and giggling because it tickled so much.

The exhibit next to that was called "THE SALAD TOSSEE", and we watched as people walked up to a giant pair of plastic butt cheeks and stick their face in it, which would then make a whirring noise as it gyrated. This one wasn't nearly as popular. Almost everyone pulled their face from the butt cheeks with a look of disgust. When I tried it, I almost immediately threw up. However, we saw one guy go through the line five times.
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Satan Is a Real Person

2011-07-05T11:26:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by jay reatard, "i'm watching you"

When we were younger we used to think of the Devil as this guy with a pointy goatee, devil horns, who wore a red cape. Maybe with goat hooves. Probably with a pitch fork. And what's most important about the way we used to picture the devil is that, more than anything, he was intensely interested in you. The devil would do absolutely anything in the entire universe for your soul. He would trick, deceive, he had the utmost patience, all for you soul. No matter what he had to do, it was worth it.

Of course, the truth when we grow up, we learn the truth about the devil. He wears a $2,000 suit. He is a reasonably boring looking man, and he is white. People that know him would say that he's a family man, even though he knows nothing about his children and his wife is a trophy.

But the real distinguishing factor about the real life devil is that he does not give a shit about your existence. He knows nothing of you, and much prefers it that way-- actually getting to know you, or even looking you in the eye might make him grow a conscience. Otherwise you are just a number to him, a statistic that either hinders or enables him making more profit.

I so much preferred the old devil. He at least made you feel special.
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Super Nice Christian Invites On The Fourth Of July

2011-07-04T12:18:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by future of the left, "you need satan more than he needs you"

Hi there! Excuse me, are you Celest's mom?

Why yes I am!

Well hi there! I'm Anita, Rachel's mom!

Oh hi! It's nice to finally meet you!

Yes, it's so nice. My husband and I have just been looking really forward to meeting you and your husband! It's so nice to finally get the chance!

Oh, have you? Well that' so nice to hear! I'm sorry my husband isn't here to meet you, he's at home asleep, as he works the night shift.

We've been wondering if you guys could attend our church this weekend! It would be so nice to have you!

Oh, gee. Well listen, that is so nice of you, but we ah, that's not really our thing. But thank you so much for asking, it's super nice of you guys!

Oh my goodness, where are my manners. I didn't even think-- but yes, your husband is, uhm, not caucasion. I didn't mean to offend Muslims like him, my church teaches to accept all people of all faith.

Uhm, no, actually, he's not Muslim.

Oh he's a Jehovah's Witness, is he? Well that's just super! I let a few Jehovah's Witnesses in the house and we had a wonderful discussion about the Bible! It would be great to do that at church!

Heh, no, he's not Jehovah's Witness, but--

Southern Baptist, eh? Well then at least he's been accepted by the Lord and had his sins washed away, there's no problem at all! Why in the world would he be afraid to go into our Catholic church? Southern Baptist isn't no problem at all!

Erm, no, actually. We don't-- we don't exactly go to church. It's not really our thing.

Oh... Oh. Well that's no problem at all! We don't... have to go to church. I guess. Well then... huh. Well listen, they're having this big picnic/barbecue/family thing in Chandler Park on the Fourth of July, and there will be face painting, there will be live music, free food. And you know, it's more a thing for the whole family and not so churchy, what do you think?

Actually you know what? That sounds like it might be a lot of fun! Let me ask my husband and I will get back to you!

Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun. But it's also super important that we remember and honor the veterans, because they spilled their blood for this country just like Jesus spilled his blood for us.

Yes, exactly, I-- wait, what?

I mean, it's right there on the flag! Red stands for the blood of Christ as it spilled from his writhing, agonizing body, the blue stands for Christ's blue eyes as he stared at them with mercy as they beat him down, and the white stands for his beautiful white skin! Or, alternately, the color of his knee caps once they had been flayed and the skin ripped from them.

Well uh, geez, like I said-- we're not exactly into that sort of stuff.

Oh my gosh! I apologize, did I get carried away? I'm so sorry, I know you said you're not into that stuff. But at least I'm not one of those weirdos who goes around telling people Obama is an American born Christian man who should be elected a second time for all the "good" he's done for the country and isn't the Anti-Christ, you know?
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This is based on an actual conversation that actually took place, grossly exaggerated for humor. I want to emphasize that almost nothing here is ver batim, and Michelle says the lady was super, super sweet. But the "The Veterans spilled their blood for this country like Jesus spilled his blood for us" line is an actual quote.

Random Thoughts 170

2011-06-17T13:29:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by ladyhawke, "better than sunday"

On the day of the wedding for someone else's bride, is it less appropriate to tell her you have a boner before the ceremony? Or after?

Lack of Rules Kills Art

2011-06-16T13:25:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by dntel, "dumb luck"

I haven't written anything in years, but I am a writer of poetry. Which isn't to say that I'm a lover of poetry-- I'm not. I like my own work a good deal, but I hate other people's poetry, because most people's work is complete crap. When poetry was breaking out of the static forms of rhyming and iambic pentameter and rhythm and all that, when the poets began writing in a looser, freer flowing form, I felt that's what killed poetry. I've never really agreed with it.

I rhyme in my poetry, I use rhythm-- my poems aren't so much written as they are built. I've always felt that limiting myself to rhyming has made me more creative. People who also fancy themselves poetry writers but who use free verse say to me, oh, rhyming is so stifling. But when I have no rules, to me what I'm writing isn't anything. It's just thoughts on a sheet of paper. I've always felt that way. I always excelled when I had limitations and boundaries, when it comes to poetry, and worked within those boundaries.

Recently I was listening to some comedians muse about creativity, and actually it was Sarah Silverman's sister, Laura Silverman, that said this: creativity is only creative when it has rules. If there are no rules, what you're doing isn't creative, it is just a thing. If there are no boundaries, you're not creating, you're playing. Which is fine if that's your intention, but it isn't very entertaining to see somebody just play forever. What makes something work is if there are boundaries and limits. You say, okay, these are the limits-- how do I push them, how do I work within them? And that's the definition of creativity. And I'm completely inclined to agree. I've always felt that free verse is just some words. And I think free verse has killed poetry and made it uninteresting to the masses. If someone says "anything is art", then anyone starts to think they can make art, and that anything they do is art, and it's just uninteresting crap.
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Hypothetical Question About the Shoes Thrown At Bush

2011-06-15T13:17:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by beck, "paper tiger"

You're on Ebay one day, and you find the shoes that were thrown at George Bush for sale. You don't know how the seller got them, but it's definitely, without any doubt, the actual shoes thrown at George Bush. Currently the bidding is at zero. Do you bid, and if so, what would be the highest amount you'd go?
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Smokers Past the Age of 30 Always Started Young

2011-06-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by beastie boys, "flowing prose"

Whenever you ask a person over the age of 30 when they started smoking, it's never "Ah, about six months ago." Of course not. It's always "I started smoking when I was 17." And that makes sense of course. You know, 17-- that age where your car insurance is so much higher because statistically you are mentally retarded.
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Not Paying Attention To Critics Makes No Sense

2011-06-13T12:53:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by eulogies, "goodbye"

I never understand it when people say they never listen to critics when it comes to music or movies. Never? Even if it's something that you don't have to spend money on, the percentage of stuff available to the time you have to spend in live is overwhelmingly balanced towards the former-- you just don't have time to experience everything, so why would you waste your time on something bad, especially when someone was there to warn you otherwise? When it comes to something that actually costs money, this goes double.

If you don't listen to critics, then how do you know what to listen to or to watch? For music, if you didn't listen to critics, the only way to music is to listen to the radio, but the music on the radio all sounds the same. And the only way to get any knowledge of movies is to watch trailers. Which actually brings me to a side note. People will often say "I hate how trailers show you too much."

No they don't. That was a criticism from 1978. But it's not true anymore, and hasn't been true for a long time. Nowadays trailers show you nothing. There are about 100 different types of movies in the world. And all trailers turn those myriad types of movies into about four different ones. There's "action trailer", which always has a catch phrase at the very end right before a cut of an explosion, then the name of the movie then the date. There's "horror trailer", which always shows the name of the movie, then the date, then something jumping out at you. There's comedy trailer, which has somebody falling over. Then there's "serious movie" trailer, which are generally just shots of people with furrowed eyebrows.

So if all music on the radio sounds the same, and there's only 4 trailers, then how do you know what to spend your money on, what to spend your time on? Friends? Friends are idiots. In high school for example, I had friends that were sort1 of into the same things I was into.For example, Nine Inch Nails is one of my favorite bands.But any person I knew that liked NIN was also into industrial music in general. And I hate industrial music. It's awful. I am also really into Tool. My friends that listened to Tool also listened to heavy metal, and I hate metal. My friends in high school would get extremely genre specific. They liked one thing and one thing only, and they liked the hell out of it. me: So if I was interested in industrial they could show me the obscure boxed sets of 45' singles from 1984, the shit that there was 200 copies of and that's it that they found in a garage sale. But in my case I would say, "Yeah, but I think Nine Inch Nails is awesome, and I think there's a connection between NIN and, say, Bjork," and they would have no idea what I was talking about.

Now that I'm a grown up finding anyone that has any sort of interest as mine is next to impossible, period. I've officially reached the period of life where people my age do not listen to music outside of the radio or whatever they were into when they were in high school, and most people I know who have taste in movies never get to see them because they have kids. Which makes the whole "I don't pay attention to critics" line make even less sense. Why would you set up a babysitter, pay the money, make this huge deal just to get out to risk seeing some piece of shit dumb movie?
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REJECTED HEADLINES 2

2011-06-12T12:48:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by seu jorge, "suffragette city"

REMAKE OF WAR GAMES TO FEATURE PLOT RENDERED EVEN MORE HILARIOUSLY UNREALISTIC IN 20 YEARS

KID WITH HAIRY PALMS EXPLAINS IT'S AN UNFORTUNATE RECESSIVE TRAIT

LOCAL WIFE DREAMS OF NOTHING BUT LOW QUALITY 20 DOLLAR BROWSER GAMES

ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS TO PHASE OUT "YOU'RE A WHALE OF A" STICKERS BECAUSE NOBODY TALKS THAT WAY

MATHEMATICIANS DETERMINE A "SOLID" IS 5/6THS THE AMOUNT OF A "FAVOR"

BLOGGER DEATHS DETERMINED TO COME IN TWELVES

ATTRACTIVE, TALLER THAN AVERAGE WOMAN TIRED OF BEING ASKED BY PERVERTS IF SHE WILL STOMP ON THEM

"JERSEY SHORE" MAKES SPRINGSTEEN CRY A SINGLE TEAR

TWO SISTERS AND THEIR MOTHER GET MATCHING SLUTTY TATTOOS

NATIONWIDE RASH OF SWEARING NEWS ANCHORS SYMPTOM OF GLOBAL WARMING

GUY MASTURBATING IN PARK JUST TRYING TO GET THE EDGE OFF

DAVID BOWIE PROVED TO BE AN ELABORATE HOAX
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Hanging Out With Superman

2011-06-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by trail of dead, "another morning stoner"

Listen, it's not like I'm bitching. I love hanging out with Superman. He's a great conversationalist, and if I may say, not only is he super strong, but he's also a super conversationalist.

What's frustrating is that after a long day, Superman likes to head to a bar with some friends and unwind with a pint of beer, and it's never long before some asshole starts some shit.

We can always hear them from the crowd of people before it even starts, you'll hear some drunken idiot telling his buddy, "No, fuck him, he's not that tough," and you'll hear his buddy telling him it's not worth it. And we always sort of look around at each other, rolling our eyes. Here we go again.

And the drunk will come up and tap Superman really hard on his shoulder and say something about how Superman's been giving him the stink eye all night-- which is totally in this guy's head, but whatever-- and how he and Supes should take it outside.

Now Superman, he's a great guy. Always cool as a cucumber, always tells the guy he must be mistaken, or else he'll even pretend that it is his fault by saying "Hey man, sorry, I didn't mean anything by it." But it doesn't really matter how much Superman stays cool, or how we tell the guy it's not a big deal, or how much his friend tries to pull him away from Superman, but these fuckers always escalate it until Superman has to flick him on the nose or do a mighty blow and knock the fucker out.

But do you want to know the kicker? As they're dragging the guy out, the guy's buddy always-- and I can't stress this enough, always comes up afterward and apologizes, and says "Hey man, I don't know what got into him. He's your biggest fan."

Makes us wish Superman fans were all potheads. Maybe they'd have already baked us all cookies.
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ICP Vs Marilyn Manson

2011-06-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by scott pilgrim the game soundtrack, "maki ya"

I was sitting in the public bathroom, and noticed that somebody had etched "Marilyn Manson" into the toilet paper dispenser, and it had just been done that day. "Hmm," I said. "You don't see that often anymore."

And I thought, generally if you see graffiti like this nowadays, it's for ICP.

ICP and Marilyn Manson got their starts at roughly the same time, yet ICP has hundreds of thousands of stubbornly dedicated fans this many years later, they have their own successful two day festival, and, somehow are culturally relevent whether you like it or not. Yet Marilyn Manson, no matter what you think of him or his music, has much, much more artistic merit, and somehow has become a nearly forgotten icon from a bygone era. Sure, he still makes records, and sure, he still tours to support those records, and he's probably got some 30-something year old goths who still give a shit about him, but he doesn't matter anymore. ICP, unfortunately, do. How did that happen?
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Fat People Aren't So Bad

2011-06-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the yo gabba gabba theme

Making fun of fat people is strange, because fat people got that way from eating too much, and eating is a thing we all love to do. It's not like we make fun of guys who fuck too much.

"Hey buddy, get enough pussy today? You sloppy asshole. You look like a dude who would walk into a party and leave with three girls. Get help."
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My Misconception About Sex When I Was a Kid

2011-06-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by portal 2 soundtrack, "i saw a deer today"

I was listening to a few people talking about the misconceptions they had when they were children about sex: one guy said all the way through elementary school until sex ed he thought that hugging is what made babies; someone else said they thought their boner was special because it got hard when you rubbed it.

Every single misconception that they mentioned, and for that matter, the most common misconceptions about sex that you hear from people, I never thought. But then it sprung to mind this morning something I did think.

When I was in the third grade I saw my first pornographic magazine; they were strewn in a ditch, and as I've said before on this page, they would periodically change, and, much to our growing horror, they went from normal porn to weird-ass fetish magazines over time. But during the middle period where it had gone from Playboys and Penthouses to magazines with penetration and fluids, cum shots blew my mind. I had no idea what that substance was, and decided that it was fake. And no, I don't mean that I thought the particular liquids on people's faces looked too perfect and had to have been faked, I mean that I thought cum itself was fake.

Let me say that whenever people told me that they thought porn was real, that girls liked giving blowjobs for 20 minutes, that the female figure was supposed to look like that, that girls will just let you stick your cock in their ass immediately, this always blew my mind. Pornography, all of it, took place in a fictional world to me. Girls in Playboy didn't look like the women you accidentally walked in on (your parents, your friend's parents, etc). If you ever see a porn magazine with penetration, people don't pose like that in real life when they're having sex-- even though I'd never seen people having sex, it was obvious they were posed. And let's not forget fake boobs. Some girls boobs looked beautiful, and other girls boobs looked way too large and plastic. Some girls would be shaved and other girls weren't. It was obvious to me that porn was this fantasy land far removed from reality, so I never thought any of these things were what actual sex was like.

And cum, for some reason, didn't teach me that this is what mens' penises do; it was just another fantasy thing. I didn't know what it meant, but to me it was obviously symbolic of something I just wasn't understanding. You know how when you see a cartoon and a person is asleep and a balloon pops over their head and there's a saw cutting through wood? That means they're snoring. And when a lightbulb appears over someone's head, that means they have an idea. Sometimes, however, you watch a Japanese cartoon and symbolism pops up that you don't understand. When people in Japanese cartoons get nervous, a giant sweatdrop comes out of their head. And when they go to sleep, they get this weird snot bubble.

That's what I thought cum was. I thought it was just weird grown-up symbolism that I didn't understand. It obviously meant the guy was finished because that was always the last picture in the series, but I had no idea why in the world it would be pretending to come out of a man's dick, or why it would be on a woman's face and boobs.

Even when I learned what "sperm" was, I still thought that cum was fake. When you're young and you don't know how to masturbate, you look at porn, your penis gets super hard and aches forever, then it shrinks and it leaves a clear liquid in your underwear. That was obviously sperm. But that other stuff was some sort of weirdo exaggerated version of it.

Then one day in the seventh grade I masturbated for the first time and I was like, "Ohhhhhhhhhh!"
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Random Thoughts 169

2011-06-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "lotus flowers"

I think I could have a job where I looked at gay porn all day, because all it would do is desensitize me to gay porn.
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Random Thoughts 168

2011-06-06T08:22:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by modest mouse, "king rat"

What's the difference between "I would have sex with you" and "I should have sex with you"? Legally, I mean.
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144,000 IN ISRAEL RAPTURED, JUST LIKE BIBLE SAYS

2011-06-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by marnie stern, "shea stadium"

Lord, I have believed in you ever since I was old enough to believe, I’ve had faith in every moment, even in the hardest ones, and even though I felt in my heart that this past May 21st that you would return, you have not. Still, my resolve has not been shaken. I believe you will return one day.

Hey! Sorry I was late for this prayer, real hectic time for me right now, it's been a sort of non-stop party, but guess what? The party just took a moment's break, so I got literally one moment to give you, then I need to get back to the goings ons and what nots. You understand. What’s up?

Lord! I am so sorry to bother you-- I, I did not expect such a direct response. This is-- this is quite amazing, truly I am humbled.

Like I say, I got a moment. And what am I, too important to not give a moment when I have one? I always try to answer somebody if I get a chance, it would just be rude not to.

I was just saying that although two weeks ago was not the promised rapture, I would still be here for when you return, and that I will always be faithful.

Hey thanks for the support there guy, but I’ve returned and left, just like was promised, last May 21st. Didn’t you see those billboards? They were all over the place. And I mean, even if you didn't see it on billboards, you couldn't have missed it all over the news. It was a pretty big deal, my return. Made quite a splash! Even a few atheists gave it a sort of "Hey, maybe it could happen--" And if you do that, you do your job well, you know? I was real happy with the outcome.

You’ve returned--? But... Lord, I am sorry to say, but I don’t understand.

Yup, came back for my people, made them disappear up to Heaven, like was promised. Whole thing went rather smoothly if I do say so. Not a single hitch. Which I mean, considering the sheer amount of people that needed to be accounted for, a lot of things could have gone wrong, and I am pleased to say nothing did.

...But, I don’t understand. If you came back and raptured, then why has nobody gone?

Nobody? Well let me just take a look around-- no wait, I don't have to, there were no clerical errors, as I already said. Everybody is here and accounted for. Did you take into consideration that nobody you know is on the list? Have you seen the list? Then why would you presume you or anyone you know would be on it? So presumptive! It's cute, frankly, but I don't want to sound condescending.

….But Lord, all the Christians, the Bible says all of your people will be raptured away, the Book of Revelations--

Yes, 144,000 Jews, just like it said. You're not one of the Chosen People. You’re not even in Israel! Why in the world would you be on the list? You people have such nerve.

But the news, I checked every single day, nobody went missing--

Well, I'm sure glad you know so many people that there's no way nobody at all on the whole planet is missing, but we are rolling up in this party about 144,000 people deep, and the fire marshal says that we can't add a single person more, so who was on the list are the only people here. But I think it's really great that you think you should be here with everyone. I appreciate the support!

But the Jews, my Lord-- they’re responsible for your death!

--And here we go. You people talk like that all day and then have no clue why you didn’t get raptured on May 21st like they did. Why in the world would I blame the Jews for-- I mean, I’m a rabbi, why would I-- Oi vey. Listen, it’s been great chatting with you and all, but I’ve got to get going. People are just dying to talk to me and I've been gone from the happenings long enough. See you in five months!

But Lord, I still am confused--

I said see you in five months. Enjoy your reality TV and fucking Transformers 3, or as we say up in Heaven, hell on Earth. Wear your shorts, it's going to get hot.
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My Friend From The Future

2011-06-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by portal 2, "9999999"

I was friends with this guy from eight years from the future; eight years at the time he got here, not eight years anymore. Unfortunately, he didn't really pay attention to sports, so we couldn't bet on anything but championship games, and even then it wasn't smart to bet more thirty dollars because he might get even those wrong. I wanted to be really annoyed at him but then I realized if I traveled eight years in the past I probably wouldn't be able to remember the outcomes to games either.

The only good thing about knowing someone from 8 years in the future was that he could recommend new restaurants before they got trendy and the waiting lists were too long. We once at this place in downtown Phoenix the day after it opened. The food wasn't worth how much we paid for it, but the tables were made of glass, and there were fish swimming around in it, and there had only been people sitting at those tables for a day prior. So that was cool.

Other than the fact that we couldn't make any real money off of knowing someone from the future, the worst part was when he'd realized that his past self was in the same area we were hanging out; we'd have to go out of our way to not meet the other him, or else we would risk reality itself becoming unraveled or something. This was all very theoretical, and I wanted him to meet his past self just to see if it really did anything, but he never wanted to try it.

Once our time line caught up to the point of him going back in time and he was the only version of himself walking around, and he couldn't recommend any new restaurants or even give us educated guesses on sporting events, we kind of lost touch. It's not that I wanted to not be his friend anymore, but, you know. The freshness of knowing a guy from the future kind of wore off, and then he was just a dude. Also, his girlfriend was kind of a bitch, and she kept insisting that she hang out with us when he was around.
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The Problem I Have With British Television Comedy

2011-06-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the dodos, "walking"

First of all, I need to defend my British comedy cred. While I am by no means a huge fan of British comedy, I should say that my favorite comedy of 2010 was In The Loop, which was very dry, very British, and it was fucking hilarious. I should also say that I was exposed to Monty Python's Flying Circus show as a kid way before I saw Holy Grail. And I'm talking about 4th grade, which would've been 1988. It would be years before I could say that I watched something called "Monty Python" and got something other than suspicious looks, and when I did get someone who knew what it was, it was from someone supremely nerdy. I've also watched Black Adder, and while I admit to having no idea as to what was going on, I thought it was funny. I started watching the British Whose Line around 1993, and I still have no idea what that opening animation had to do with the show. More recently, I bought the British version of The Office before they even announced they were making an American version.

I say all that because I want to make it a point that I'm not completely ignorant to British comedy. So, even with the admittedly somewhat limited exposure to British comedy, there's a problem I have with British sitcoms:

In Britain they have a much more firm class-based society than we have here. And British sitcoms tend to fall into one of three categories: Lower class, which tends to be very "lads will be lads", and is just gross and low brow and stupid; High Class, where the main character is rich, verbose, and spends the entirety of the show making fun of one particular doofus. And then there's the third category, which is just absurdity.

I've always found it strange when foreigners say that American comedy is based on putting down people, when I've always found it to be the opposite. The majority of American comedy, at least in terms of television, is based on the lovable loser, a tradition that goes all the way back to The Honeymooners, where the main character is a doofus and is rightfully put in his place, but is always shown to be a sympathetic character that you can't help but love. Ralph Kramden was a loudmouth who constantly made fun of his idiot sidekick, but he too was continually put in his place by his better half (even though he threatened violence against her once she did, she never really took crap from him). This tradition carries on to characters like Archie Bunker, and even Homer Simpson. We care about our doofuses. Whereas the doofus in British comedy is the butt of jokes and that is it.

Now, of course, there are exceptions I'm sure you could point out, but whenever I meet an American who prefers BBC over American TV-- and granted, the argument could be made that most American television comedy is middle class, and therefore funny to absolutely nobody who actually enjoys jokes-- I never quite understand it.
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SUMMER 2011 MOVIE PREDICTIONS PART 2!

2011-06-02T10:45:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by modest mouse, “king rat”

June 3rd

X-Men: First Class I’ve watched several trailers for this movie, and I still have the hardest time deciding what I think of it. For myself personally, the movie looks excellent. It looks like a more character-focused, slow paced, moody film-- the moody music in every trailer certainly helps that, but from all the interactions with the characters we see, the movie looks to follow through. But here’s the thing: while there is certainly action in the trailers, does it look nearly as pryotechnic, and, well, awesome as the first two films to attract people other than people like me? If you combine this with comic book overload this summer, it’s difficult to tell if anybody is going to give a shit. But then again, Batman Begins was a success despite its relative lack of bombast, so First Class could go either way. I’ll tell you what: If X-Men: First Class ends up being successful, this shows that audiences have officially accepted superhero movies as a mainstay in action films and won’t get tired of them for a long time to come, so long as they remain quality.
Prediction Modest Hit. I have a hard time predicting what this movie will do, but since I have to make a call, I’m going to say First Class won’t break 200 million, and if it does, it’ll just barely. But this will be enough, combined with its International numbers, to be defined a solid enough success. I’m crossing my fingers it does well.

June 10th

Super 8 Two weeks in a row of unknowns when it comes to movies. The trailer looks fascinating, with J.J. Abrams making an obvious homage to producer Steven Spielberg’s E.T.. This movie looks to be filled with that childish wonder that made that era of Spielberg’s movies so wonderful-- simultaneously frightening and yet filled with excitement; watching this preview should make anyone in their 30s wonder why in the world they don’t make movies like this anymore. The only thing that could possibly work against it is a bad taste from Cloverfield, which looked awesome with spectacular special effects, but ended up disappointing everyone who saw it.
Prediction Hit. Because between Cloverfield and this, Abrams made Star Trek, which was universally accepted as “awesome”. Still, we’re not talking monster hit here, but it will do just fine for itself-- definitely better than Cloverfield, and will probably cross the 150 million barrier.

June 17th

Green Lantern Jesus Christ did this trailer look bad, and what’s more, I don’t know a single person who thinks it looks good. The main problem here isn’t just superhero overload, it’s specifically origin story overload. I don’t know how superhero movies from this point forward are supposed to handle it, but we’ve seen a million times heroes getting brand new powers, getting used to brand new powers, and having that shock/joy/exploration segment that’s been in every super powered movie opening chapter, from Superman all the way forward. This trailer hits all the wrong notes. Again, I don’t know how they just jump into a story without explaining everything, but it even looks like Ryan Reynolds gets a training montage. Also, he looks stupid in that costume. On the plus side, Green Lantern has as bunch of cool aliens in it, and that might be enough to separate it from the rest of the superhero pack-- but I don’t think anybody is going to care.
Prediction Miss. Apparently the studio thinks this will do really well. It will not. In fact, I’d venture to say that it will flop, but it does have lots of cool CGI stuff and might end up getting a decent Rottentomatoes score. This seems like it will be the very definition of “miss”.

Mr Popper’s Penguins Counterprogramming ah-hoy! After weeks and weeks of superheros (with still more superheroes to come), why not counterprogram with family friendly Jim Carrey? I don’t think anyone is expecting this to be a juggernaut, but I think this will be a welcome change of pace during the summer. Besides, who doesn’t like penguins?
Prediction Modest hit. Every so often Jim Carrey makes a family friendly comedy ala Liar Liar, and Bruce Almighty, and they always do well. This won’t be an exception, even if it doesn’t light the box office on fire.

June 24th

Cars 2 So what gives? Cars was the least critically acclaimed Pixar movie, and, at the time, it was it’s lowest performing-- why in the world would there be a Cars 2 and not, say, The Incredibles 2? Because of merchandising. Turns out Disney sold more toys based on it than any other Pixar movie (even more than Toy Story, which seems impossible-- they’re already toys!). The trailer gives me mixed messages. On the one hand, it does actually look like a lot of fun. But there’s something about the Pixar magic that just doesn’t feel like it’s there-- this looks like the trailer for another animation studio’s movie, and for kids fare, it looks great. But it doesn’t look anywhere near as captivating as Up, or Wall-E, or nearly as funny as Ratatouille. Still, I cried foul when they made a Toy Story 2, and that totally warranted its existence (and then some!), so if anybody can do it, it’s Pixar.
Prediction: Hit. But I still have to say, this does not look like it will do as well as Kung-Fu Panda 2, which was a surprise hit a few years ago and almost made more money than Wall-E. Cars 2 will sell more toys than just about everything, but it’ll fall short of Kung-Fu Panda 2 in the box office.

Bad Teacher I don’t like Cameron Diaz. Somehow, America still likes Cameron Diaz, and I don’t know why. Surprise, however-- this trailer looks pretty funny. It’s going to have gross-out gags, it’s going to have some eye-rolling humor-- We get it, we get it, she’s a teacher, but she’s bad. Still, I was actually taken by surprise by how good this trailer looks, and regardless of how well it does with the critics, 1) It is a movie marketed towards women that doesn’t involve a goddamn wedding, and 2) you can see where the love interest angle is going to go, but the fact that the main character isn’t completely lovable means this might not have to go in the directions most chick-centered films go. In short, this looks like a ladies’ night out that won’t be completely regrettable, just like Bridesmaids.
Prediction Hit, and it looks like it will deserve it. Still, I’m trying to decide which will do better, this or Bridesmaids; this definitely has name recognition going for it, but Bridesmaids has the “Hangover, but for ladies” word-of-mouth. I think I’m going to give it to Bad Teacher, because it’ll have a much bigger opening weekend than Bridesmaids did.
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15 REJECTED HEADLINES

2011-06-01T16:50:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by sleater-kinney, "oh!"

i don't like doing two list-joke entries in a row, but at least this means i've actually managed to post four CONSECUTIVE entries, and at this point, that's more important.

A few years ago I discovered the joy of writing in a fake headline format. There are certain jokes that come across better as a panel-by-panel skit, there are some that come out better in script form, there are some that come out better as op-eds, and there are some that just work best in a fake headline format. I was initially hesitant to do them because The Onion does it and I would basically be ripping them off, but I decided 1) The Onion didn't make up the format, they just do it way, way, way better than everyone else, and 2) It's my blog, and I'll do whatever the fuck I want. And that settled that.

I do them approximately once a week (even though over the past year I update this page so sporadically that's no longer true, but I'm trying to get better, and, because of this, I have over fucking 70 headlines, so even if I did them once a week without skipping, I'd have over a year and a half worth, and that's not even including new ones. So, it's time for some spring cleaning.

The reject headlines I still think are funny-- that's why I wrote them down. It's just that I feel like they're the kind of funny that doesn't really warrant a full entry to go with them, and if they do, I can't figure out how.

VH1 ANNOUNCES NEW TALK SHOW: "CRAZY BLACK FOLKS YELLING AT EACH OTHER"

* MAJORITY OF NATION'S UNSOLD VEHICLES DUMPED AT SEA

NEW REALITY SHOW CONSISTS ENTIRELY OF JUDGES MAKING FUN OF CONTESTANTS

SPECIAL INTEREST GROUP BUYS 2 BILLION EXTRA COPIES OF BIBLE, ANN COULTER’S BOOK TO KEEP THEM IN BEST SELLER’S LIST

** AMY WINEHOUSE DEMANDS BRAINS, CRACK PIPE

SEX ADVICE COLUMNIST GIVES 1,000TH "COMMUNICATION IS KEY" ANSWER, KILLS SELF

SITCOM BASED ON AFGHANISTAN WAR ON 28TH SEASON; LASTS LONGER THAN ACTUAL WAR

SPAMMER SAD HE DOESN'T HEAR FROM YOU ANYMORE

EXTREMELY NERDY PROWLER BREAKS INTO HOMES AND REMOVES COLLECTIBLES FROM THEIR ORIGINAL PACKAGING

A SIMPSONS FAN HAS BEEN LACKING SINCE HIS HEYDAY

ROLLING STONE DOES YET ANOTHER FUCKING BOB DYLAN ARTICLE

JOHN CONNOR WINS WAR AGAINST MACHINES USING MEDIUM SIZED MAGNET CARELESSLY LEFT TOO CLOSE TOO SKYNET

MAN SHOPPING AT VICTORIA'S SECRET IS OBVIOUSLY A CLOSETED CROSS DRESSER

BOBBY MCFERRIN BUYS ENTIRETY OF AUSTRALIA WITH "DON'T WORRY BE HAPPY" ROYALTIES

MOVIE STAR IN THE 40S KILLED BY OLD TIMEY EXPLODING FLASHBULB SHARD
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* I think this is a funny idea, but the whole "Car Industry Collapsing" thing has actually been dealt with, and the entire American Auto Industry is thriving. If I'd been a little more timely, this would have been funny.

** I think this could totally make an excellent absurd headline. But come on, an Amy Winehouse joke? Again, this would've been funny when I first thought of it.
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THINGS TO DO DURING THIS SUMMER!

2011-05-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by electric six, “devil nights”

If you’re poor, turn the A/C off, sit in a pair of swim trunks on your couch, and masturbate while watching Beach MTV all day; this will be an exact replica of actually being at the beach. Wait, do they even have MTV anymore?

Write a summer jam that takes the nation by storm, and blasts out the window of every car on every road. Then fail to have any career past this summer.

Pee in the pool. It’s disgusting, sure, but is there a more soothing way to pee than with water all around you?

Pee into the pool. It’s more disgusting, and it’s also less soothing, but it shows that you are a person who should not be fucked with.

Eat watermelon over and over until someone makes a racist comment, then kick ‘em in the shins. Nobody sees a shin kicking coming.

Fuck a dolphin.

Sneak inside movies. Yes, you get to see all the summer movie blockbusters while simultaneously saving money, but you really want to do it because it’s hot as shit outside, and theaters are always unbelievably cold. To make it even colder, don’t put your soda in the cup holder, put it next to your balls! It’s shrivel-tastic!

Jump in the deep end. Come on, stop being a pussy. Just jump in.

Spend June and July talking about how awesome summer is, with all the summer babes, and all the summer times. Spend the entirety of August complaining about how fucking hot it is and how the fucking sun can’t just go away and how you wish you could just go to sleep and wake up in the middle of November.

Make a pass at your mom. Because summer nights are crazy!

Check the thermometer six times daily, at the exact same times daily for the entirety of the summer. Then compare those temperatures to those during the same times for the past decade. You’ve just proven global warming, and now you’re inadvertently a godless heathen atheist. Go buy yourself a candy bar!

And, most importantly, don’t forget to enjoy the olfactory assault of Axe Body Spray! Axe Body Spray makes you more attractive to the opposite sex, and also raises your sperm count, you manly man you! Take a bath in this shit! It’s totally recommended!

POLARITY 358

2011-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the bronx, "shitty future"

THE GOOD

The death of Osama Bin Laden I’ll admit to cynicism when I first heard the news. Michelle woke me up and said “They finally got Osama Bin Laden. He’s dead.” And maybe it’s just because I was being woken up, but my initial reaction was “Wow. They killed one fifty year old man who was basically immobile ten years after they started looking for him. Go America.” But after I woke up a bit I realized, no, it really is a big deal, and there was definitely a sense of relief when I realized the ramifications. Yes, it’s been too long coming, and yes, way, way, way too many people have died in the interim, but it is a big deal.

Obama shows his birth certificate No, he shouldn’t have had to. That he did just days before making the call to kill Osama Bin Laden is fucking smooth, I don’t care who you are, especially when you consider that between these two acts of smoothness, he killed at the White House Correspondence dinner, roasting the shit out of Trump. When he does shit like this it makes it a little easier to say “Yes, I like Obama”.

Training my daughter to ride a bike This past Christmas I put together my daughter's bike and set out to teach her how to ride it-- yes, this was months ago, but I haven’t exactly written a Polarity in months. I was initially puzzled as to exactly how I was going to do this. I never learned how to ride a bike with training wheels, and I had no recollection of how exactly I ever learned to ride it. To my surprise, teaching Celest was surprisingly easy, and I was walking beside her, hands free, while she awkwardly tried to keep a straight line within 10 minutes, and within a half hour I was able to stand in one place as she rode up and down the block. It was an amazingly satisfying moment, and it almost seemed like the first time I was actually a dad, rather than a parent.

Katy Perry on the cover of Vanity Fair I’ve mentioned Katy Perry on this page before. And I am not a fan of her music. But I swear to God, every time I see a picture of her, despite myself, I stop and admire her... physically for a second. I can’t help it. Katy Perry is an attractive human being.

Werewolf in a Women’s Prison Trailer You really, really have to see this. For the first 30 seconds, it looks like any sort of “Women’s Prison” porno movie. Then for the next 45 seconds, it looks like any sort of porno/horror film you might see by some shitty porn studio that specializes in porn films with “action” and “sci-fi”, and “horror”. And then the trailer goes fucking apeshit nuts. I’m not saying this movie will be good, even for a chuckle. What I’m saying is, holy shit, this trailer is awesome.

THE BAD

The Weird Jubilant Reaction people had to Osama Bin Laden’s death As much as I was dismayed at seeing people using Bin Laden’s death as an excuse to party-- the way you would St. Patrick’s Day or after the Superbowl-- I was equally reassured by how many people thought this reaction was icky and wrong. The thing is, I’m not Christian, so I’m not looking at this from a Christian point of view. Osama Bin Laden was a very bad man, and I’m not with some liberals who say he should have been brought to justice-- it doesn’t bother me that there wasn’t a trial, just as I don’t think there would have been a trial for Hitler (even though there were trials for the higher up Nazis, and there should be trials for all the other terrorists we’ve caught). Maybe it should bother me, but it doesn’t. And like I said above, I felt relief at his death, and while I feel bad for criticizing anyone’s genuine reaction to good news (although I wonder if it is in fact a genuine reaction, and not just an excuse), partying hardy over an enemy’s death feels more like a bloodlust. And then there’s the fact that Christians do consider this a Christian nation, and they are, in fact, the majority. They should be ashamed of themselves.

The fake conservative outrage over Obama’s refusal to release the photos of Bin Laden’s body First of all, if I thought the partying was icky, people getting upset that Obama didn’t release the photos is even ickier. Seriously, people, if you absolutely must see the crumpled body of an old man with his eye blown out but don’t deny that he is dead and aren’t some sort of conspiracy idiot, then you’re just a sick fuck. Seriously. Getting that weird Faces Of Death curiosity jolly isn’t going to bring anybody that died in 9/11 back. Secondly, I also think it’s exactly what George Bush would’ve done-- and George Bush had no tact. Still, he went out of his way to show respect so Islam, quoting the Qur'an during speeches and referring to the prophet Muhammad as “blessed”, trying to show the Middle Eastern people that we are not at war with Islam (despite all the other evidence to the contrary). I have no belief that this torturing, war-mongering monster/idiot wouldn’t at least have done the world the favor of recruiting even more people to Al Qaeda by disrespecting Islamic tradition, and would have handled his death exactly the way Obama did. So shut the fuck up, conservatives.

The Japanese Earthquake/ Nuclear Meltdown It’s impossible to overstate exactly how horrible this has been and how terrified I am for Japan, but it’s also been well over two months since this happened, and everything that can be said has been said. My heart goes out to everyone in the country, but especially in Fukushima. A person asked me how I thought the US would react to the exact same thing happening in America, and I said that it would probably end up the exact same way, only that we would learn the exact wrong lesson. Unfortunately, we still have these nuclear reactors all over the country, and apparently they are regulated even less vigorously, so it feels a bit like a ticking time clock before this happens here.

Donald Trump Although Trump has said that he’s not running for president (and has since come back and said that he’s not ruling it out-- ugh), what amazes me about this man is that he thinks that America likes him. Yes, there was a bizarro point in time where he was leading the GOP in polls, but that says more about the rest of the Republican nominees than it does him. Up until he started flirting with a presidential run this time, I always assumed Donald Trump looked at himself as a sort of villain, which he seemed to relish in, which is fine. But to actually put himself as some sort of figurehead that the rest of us will follow isn’t not only hysterical, it is frightening.

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s infidelity It’s not that I am really all that surprised. It’s been rumored that Arnold’s a pig for years and years. Still, with every detail that comes out about his love child, even though Arnold never went on and on about family values like most other politicians, it depresses me more and more.
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1600th ENTRY! THE BEST OF THE PREVIOUS 100 ENTRIES!

2011-05-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the dodos, "joe's waltz"

Jesus Christ. The last time I did a “best of”, which, as always, was 100 entries ago, I said that it had taken far, far too long to get through 100 entries. Last time it took two months longer than average; 100 entries should take just over three months. My last “best of”, however, was a fucking year ago. It took me over twelve months just to get through three months worth of work. This makes me seriously sad. I would promise here that I will try to get my once daily page back on track, but I have said that before, and yet here we are, a year later.

But this isn’t moping time; this is “best of” time! And despite the terribly long amount of time it took just to do 100 damn entries, there were still some quality entries! Here are the best. As usual, if you want to see some more quality blog stuff, you can click here.

FUNNY/ RANDOM

You kids nowadays are too young to remember this, but there used to be a magazines with pornography in them, and those magazines used to have letters from readers with unbelievable sex stories. And the rip-offs of those particular magazines were too weird to be believed.

It’s too late to write a spec script for Seinfeld, so I’ll just share the idea I had for it. It’s a damn shame I wasn’t writing television at the time. Or really, even now.

If you’ve never been on Chatroulette, then here is a description that will sum it up perfectly. You’re welcome.

Honestly? This is one of my most favorite things that I’ve ever written. If I was given a camera and a budget to shoot one thing that I’d thought of in my 1600 entries, this would be it. Introducing Tyrell Lo Kwon-- Otherwise known as Kung-Fu Panther!

Joke lists are fun! They’re also really really hard to start writing, but the once I get two or three out, the rest come out very very quickly. Here is on about America, for the occasion of America’s birthday. Jokes are fun.

They are also fun when they’re about things to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. You betcha!

I honestly feel like most people aren’t racist. But just because that’s true doesn’t mean that a stranger’s mom won’t automatically assume two black men will rape her daughter. A surprisingly sweet tale despite this description!

It’s kind of a hack premise to make fun of Law And Order, because a million jokes have been made about it, and comedian John Mulaney has the definitive bit about it. With that said, I have my own bit about it, and how I’d like the cold open to go, just once.

I love, love, love this entry. Initially I was thinking the headline would be that Frosty the Snowman would be convicted of sexual misconduct with a minor if he were real, but then I thought, the concept there being a dark undertone to something seemingly innocent has been done before. The real funny is if there is a perceived dark undertone in something innocent, even though there is not. By the way, there was such a treasure trove of pictures of Frosty where he appeared to be doing something horrendous to a child that I actively had to pick the one that wasn’t, say, a Frosty hugging a child at crotch level, because it was just too gross.

Did I mention earlier that joke list entries are funny? Well there’s one for stuff to look forward in the new year!

...And one about New years Resolutions for 2011! And they were right next to one another! Do you know how hard that was to write? Surprisingly easy, actually!

And then there was another one a little while later because I didn’t update for a month. Sorry.

I don’t think I’ve ever admitted this before, but I think that anyone who knows me knows, without even having to be told, that this is exactly how my sexual fantasies are. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but how are you going to help what turns you on?

I don’t know how well you like The Flaming Lips, but even if you’ve never heard their 2002 masterpiece Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots, you should still click to read the awesome movie concept it has inspired in me.

SERIOUS/TOPICAL

I was talking to this girl who was a friend of a friend, not thinking the conversation was going particularly well, but definitely not thinking it was going terribly. Then she asked me what her sign was. This cannot turn out well.

One of my favorite/most hated things on the Internet is when people forward or post as Facebook statuses horribly misguided political screeds that are ignorant and factually wrong, but are just copied-and-pasted by the person because they think it sounds clever, even though it requires no actual effort to just repost something someone else marginally smarter than them said.. And I love dismantling them piece by piece. This one is about immigration.

Have you ever heard the argument against socialism made with the lemonade stand analogy? Where if Timmy made lemonade and sold it on the street, but then had to share the money with three other kids who had nothing to do with it, that that’s not fair? That analogy is deeply flawed..

Who cares if George Bush’s policies on illegal immigration were exactly the same as Obama’s? Once the Brown guy gets in, suddenly white people need to be offended at his inaction at letting different kinds of brown people into the country! And the government forced Arizona’s hand to do something about it!

In the moments that followed Gabrielle Gifford’s shooting, I was amazed that I was the only person that seemed to think that all the horrible political rhetoric had to go. And when this argument did start to get roundly said by the media, there was a backlash against it, as if we, in trying to say that the violent rhetoric had to go, that this made someone kill 13 people. This wasn’t what I was suggesting at all. I was suggesting that violent rhetoric needs to be quashed in the media, not because it definitely causes people to freak out and kill people, but just because it is fucked up. And yes, of course it influences crazy people.

I hate guns. And the Garbielle Giffords’ attempted assassination is just another example as to why.

I don’t believe in God, and while I did used to want to believe, nowadays the idea of God doesn’t comfort me at all. And frankly, the idea of Heaven is terrifying.

And I only wrote one review this past year, but if you want to hear someone stick up for Avatar, well, then, there ya go.
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DEAD MOTHER HAUNTS HOUSE BY DISAPPROVING OF SON'S PORN COLLECTION

2011-05-08T15:09:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the bronx, "shitty future"

It all started when Eric Cleaves noticed, about two weeks after his mother’s dying during her sleep in the house that he shared with her and his girlfriend Veronica Privette, that his Internet browser’s history was filled with Google search queries, and did not have any idea how they got there. “How do I know if I’m addicted to porn?”, “Does Internet porn cause perversion?”, and “How to stop touching myself because it’s completely ridiculous how much I touch myself, I mean, I don’t know how it hasn’t fallen off yet,” were just a few searches done without his knowledge.

“At first I thought it was just my girlfriend pulling a practical joke on me,” said Cleaves, 27. “I thought she was trying to tell me that I didn’t have sex with her enough, which may be true, but it really has more to do with me getting caught up playing Call of Duty at night instead of following her when she heads to bed and sexing her up than watching Internet porn.”

Things continued to get increasingly creepy as bookmarks leading to porn websites on Cleaves’ computer started to be renamed from “Cumpunks.com” to “Really, Eric, You Should Be Ashamed of Yourself,” and “HotSlutFever.net” to “Why do you insist on making me so sad?”

Cleaves says that the files he saved on his computer’s hard drive to return to later began becoming mysteriously renamed as well. “I was looking for that one with the twins getting gangbanged, and found out that everything in the folder had been relabeled to ‘You Can Make Me Cry I Dont Mind, But Why Make Jesus Cry As Well.wmv”.

Even Cleaves’ girlfriend, Veronica, wasn’t left out of these increasingly bizarre occurrences.

“Like, Eric kept blaming me for relabeling his porn,” said Privette, “but I kept being like, whatever dude, why would I bother changing the names to every single one of your files? And there’s like a million of them, like I don’t have better things to do, duh.”

“But then all my erotic stories got relabeled to ‘Eric Your Girlfriend is a Lesbo You Need to Ditch Her and Get a Real Girlfriend’,” she said. “And I was like, what. Eric knows I’m not a dyke, like, I’m bi-curious a little, like if I’ve been drinking maybe one or two Coronas or after watching The L Word or whatever, so I knew it wasn’t just Eric trying to get even for me for what he thought was me messing with his crap. That’s when I knew something weird was definitely going on.”

All of this culminated in one of the most out-and-out distinct hauntings ever recorded by paranormal specialists.

Eric Cleaves explains coming home from work and finding that “All my porno magazines were spread out all over my house, some of them open, some of them closed. I don’t even know where they’d been all these years, there were in the closet someplace for about the past 10 years, and all of them, all of them had the pictures of naked women replaced by pictures of women in the 50’s wearing, like, those one pieces they used to wear before the bikini was invented? With the frills around the edges, and they had polka dots and things like that? It reminded me of these pictures my mom showed me of her vacation when she was 10, and I distinctly remember her saying that this was what a pretty lady should look like. That’s when it all clicked.”

Cleaves and his girlfriend stated that after realizing that his mother was indeed haunting them they considered moving from the home his mother died in, but haven’t because “Moving is such a pain in the ass, and even though my mom’s annoying, at least she’s not here in the flesh to nag me. I can just rename porn files she’s tampered with, but her telling a grown man that he needs to wash the trash cans in person was so much more unbearable.”

Eric has said that his mother has gotten over his porn collection and has continued to haunt the house by refusing to clean up after them, or to cook dinners, “even on days where both Veronica and I work late and don’t have energy to prepare anything.”
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"Seriously, Whole Foods Employee, What the Fuck Is This Shit?"

2011-05-07T16:41:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by lykke li, "i'm good, i'm gone"

I hate going into Whole Foods or Farmer's Markets or what have you, because like most people, I have been going to regular grocery stores my whole life, and when I walk into one of these places I have no idea what brands are good. Let me give you an example: Peanut Butter. When I walk into a grocery store, I know what Jif is going to taste like, and that it will taste acceptable. But when I walk into one of these places, not only is every brand of peanut butter more expensive than Jif, making the risk less palatable, none of them sound appealing at all. They have names like Jim Burkilbottoms' Organic Peanut Salve and Hurley Jacktower's All Natural Nutty Paste Solution. And yes, I'm sure any of them is probably healthier than that bottle of Jif's, but they also have labels that appear to be hand drawn, and I don't know if I'm buying a "product" of somebody who's actually making something of good quality or somebody selling stuff out of the back of his tub that's been laced with asbestos.

What they really need at these high-end grocery stores is somebody at the entrance who is basically a tour guide who can point you to harmless equivalents of things you're used to if you're a first timer. I'm sure you could just go up and ask somebody what peanut butter they recommend if you wanted, but I'm also sure by the fifth or sixth "Seriously, what the fuck is this?" they'll start to say, "Listen, I have other things to do than follow you around all day." Which is why we need somebody whose job it is entirely to say "Oh, you buy Jif? Then the qualities of peanut butter you're looking for will be found in Bobby Jack-Jacks Creamy Peanut Slurry. And if you find that you like that, you might want to graduate to Farmer Glibjarb's Peanut Cream Spread Substitute."
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SUMMER 2011 MOVIE PREDICTIONS PART 1!

2011-05-06T11:07:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the dodos, "fools"

Let's get this out of the way, in case anyone reading this has never read my blog before. I didn't get a chance to do this last year because I was using a much older computer, and watching videos on-line was impossible. I've done this a bunch of times, and it might seem ultimately meaningless because I'm just a dude with a blog, I don't have any inside information, I don't read the trades, I'm not a professional, I'm just a guy that works the night shift who fancies himself a movie fan. The reason I try to do this every year is because I like it. Sports fans have theirs stats and their bets and their predictions of who is going to go all the way. I could give a shit about sports. But I love movies, and everyone has opinions on trailers and predictions as to what will do the best. I like to post my predictions, I like to get real specific, and I like to grade myself on how I did at the end of the summer, all based entirely on trailers and what I think people's interest in them is/will be. Let's get this started.

May 6th

Thor
I think it goes without saying that if mainstream audiences aren't already burned out on superhero movies, they certainly will be after this summer, with four or five of them coming in the next three months, and three of them all coming from Marvel. Even if none of them are sequels, there's certainly going to be a lot of sameness in all of them, if just by the fact that they're all superhero movies. Thor has several things going for it, though. Like all the superhero movies this year, it's an origin story. Unlike all the others, though, Thor is a god, and the audience doesn't have to sit through a first act of learning how a schlub got to learn how to punch holes in the earth, and we don't have to go through the dreary process of watching him to learn to use his powers. This means we get more action, and, if the writers and director so choose to go in this direction, the actual characters can move in more fleshed out, interesting directions. And with Kenneth Branagh directing (What? How the hell did that happen?), there's a chance that will happen. Also, the idea that Asgard, this whole other realm where the gods live, is always looming in the background and we get to spend time there, makes this one seem like it'll be worth watching. Which is definitely a good thing, because out of essentially all the superheros getting their own movies, I thought that Thor always seemed like the weakest link.
Prediction Mega Hit. Marvel put Thor in the first week of May, the sweet spot that Iron Man had several years ago and went on to making insane amounts of money and ending with a gross behind only The Dark Knight, and I think it was smart of them to do so, especially since the following week's competition looks very weak, and it will likely be #1 for two weeks in a row. It's obvious that it will make over 100 million in less than five days, and while I do not think it will break records, Thor will doubtlessly be in the top five performers of the summer, even if it gets the average Rottentomatoes "good action movie" rating of low 70s, which I think it will. If it gets even higher-- in the 80s, say-- then a top 3 is possible.

Something Borrowed
Whenever I do my Summer blockbuster predictions and I click on the trailer for some fucking romantic comedy, I always say to myself "I won't do these this year, they're such a waste of time." But then I realize that nearly every year one of these movies does really well for themselves as counter programming, and goes on to make 100 million dollars despite, from the trailer, looking completely indistinguishable from the other ones. I am then forced to put them on the list, because the whole point is to predict, and if I totally miss a sleeper hit, then what's the point?
Prediction Miss. You know how I said that there's always one that somehow makes 100 million dollars? This won't be it. The trailer looks utterly generic, and while John Krasinski's place in it means that it might be sufferable if you're stuck on a plane, I can't think of a more generic premise.

May 13th

Priest Did you ever see Legion? Or Underworld? Or, to a lesser extent, Constantine? Well, this looks exactly like those movies. Very dark, blue-ish color scheme, generic looking demons (excuse me, they're vampires), lots of shooting, lots of religious iconography, probably an extraordinarily convulated backstory despite a stupidly straightforward plot. It's even directed by the guy who did Legion, and stars the same dude! This is to say, this movie looks like fun for those that like this kind of stuff, and the fact that it's in 3D might make it worth it to those who like the genre but feel this trailer doesn't do anything new, which it doesn't.
Prediction Mild hit. And by "Hit" I don't mean that it'll make hundreds of millions of dollars, I mean that it'll make is budget back in a weekend or two, even if it only comes in second or third place (and it will), even if the movie gets a rotten rating (and it will). As for total gross, how much did Legion make? This will make about that much, maybe a little more because of the cost of seeing 3D movies.

Bridesmaids
It's The Hangover, except with chicks. The trailer makes sure you know this by saying "From the Producers of The Hangover". It's being produced by Judd Apatow. And, despite the fart joke in the trailer-- ugh-- this movie looks like it will completely deliver on that promise. It's got funny women in it-- Kristen Wiig! Maya Rudoloph! And Melissa McCarthy-- you know, the overweight girl in the trailer-- looks like she's delivering some real comic chops. Dare I say it? The redband trailer had more laughs in it than The Hangover 2's trailer.
Prediction Hit. Remember how I said there's always a chick flick that becomes a huge success story and makes over 100 million dollars? This is definitely it. I don't think we're talking about Hangover money here, but I think that Bridesmaids will do very, very well for itself, you're going to see commercials touting that it's "The #1 comedy in America", and it actually looks like it deserves it. This movie will make more money than Priest, I guarantee it. Probably in the 130 million range.

May 20th

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
I'm sure people are getting burned out on superhero movies, and I'm positive people are burned out by these Pirates movies. I never saw the second or third Pirates, and I know they did well enough to warrant a fourth movie (for a second planned trilogy), but, just talking to people, it was difficult to find anyone that actually seemed to enjoy them much. Disney seems to agree-- while the last two were given cooshy June/July opening weekend slots in order to maximize dollars, here they're opening in May, which is where you put your new franchises. I have a pretty firm belief that with director Rob Marshall (Chicago) on board, this will be different enough to make it worth watching if you're still interested in what Jack Sparrow is up to, but I'm also disappointed that the trailer is exactly the same as all the others. In other words, I don't really know what would make someone see a fourth Pirates movie.
Prediction Hit. While there were certainly some diminishing returns in the last two movies-- Pirates 2 made over 430 million, Pirates 3 made just over 300-- it's not like these movies weren't massive money makers, and it's not like they're not sure things overseas. I don't think this one will come anywhere near the 430 million of the second movie, but it's reasonable that its American gross will nestle pretty closely to the 300 million of the second movie. As for critical reception, I'm guessing this one will still get a "rotten" on Rottentomatoes, but it won't score as lowly as the third one.

May 27th
The Hangover 2
I actually hinted at it with The Bridesmaids when I said that trailer had more laughs in it. I should specify by saying that The Hangover 2's trailer has no laughs, which is very disappointing, because I thought the original Hangover looked like it was going to be a lot of fun, even if I didn't predict that anyone would see it. I thought it would do Forgetting Sarah Marshall numbers. It did a whole helluva lot more than that. Finding a read for this trailer, however, is much, much more difficult. When I heard that there would be a second Hangover I wondered how they would avoid it being also-ran, but had confidence they'd be able to deliver. Then Todd Philip's second movie with Galifinakis, Due Date, ended up being no good. And then there's this trailer, which has a major case of deja vu. I'm confident that there will be laughs here, but I'm pretty sure they can't recapture that magic, and I'm not sure if nearly as many are interested.
Prediction Hit, but not a big hit. This is a real, real tough one for me. I ended up being way off with my prediction of the original being a "miss" when I did these in 2009, but I loved that trailer, and was perfectly happy to be wrong about that one. I would also like to be wrong about this one, but I can't shake the feeling that I'm not. Don't get me wrong, this one will do fine: It'll make 120-150 million dollars, which is more than its budget, so they'll do fine in terms of making money, probably ending up as the number one comedy of the summer. But I don't think this one will cross 200 million dollars; I don't even think it'll do half of what The Hangover did. And you know what? I'm sure the studio knows it won't. But I also don't think this will do as well critically, and will probably end up "rotten".

Kung Fu Panda 2
I was super duper wrong about The Hangover when I did my predictions two years ago; when I did my predictions of Kung-Fu Panda I was even wronger. I think it was just "CGI animated animal" fatigue, because I was not at all interested in the original movie. Sure, all animated movies make millions of dollars, which is why there are so many of them (and when you add in 3D, they're always, always a sure bet), but I didn't think it would do well critically, and I did not think it would do better than your average kids' movie. I was wrong on all accounts. The movie was awesome, the critics gushed over it, and it did spectacularly well. It's funny; I still don't think the trailer for Kung-Fu Panda 2 looks any better or any worse than any other animated movie, but at least with this one I'm confident that it would be very, very difficult to screw it up.
Prediction Direct Hit. This will be the number one movie of the week, easily, and will easily make over 300 million dollars. Thanks to 3D, it will also make more money than its predecessor. There's a real, real good chance this will be in the top 5 movies of the summer. The real question is, which animated movie will do better, Cars 2, or Kung-Fu Panda? The obvious answer would be Panda, considering the original Cars didn't do that well compared to other Pixar movies; what you might not know is that Cars was a merchandising monster, selling more toys and other tie-in stuff than any other Pixar movie, so this won't be as much of a drubbing as it might seem initially. Still, Kung-Fu Panda will do better.
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YOSHIMI BATTLES THE PINK ROBOTS: THE MOVIE

2011-03-21T15:58:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the flaming lips, "fight test"

I don't know if you've ever heard Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots by The Flaming Lips before, but years ago as I was listening to it, a very, very distinct movie idea started forming in my head. Pink Robots is not a concept album, in fact, robots only come up in two songs, and Yoshimi herself only comes up in the title track. Still, certain ideas brought up in specific songs really formed an entire world in my head. And as time passed and I heard the record more and more, the idea became more elaborate and concrete, and I've always thought, goddammit, that would be a really fun movie.

And it just sat there in my head for years, mostly because it's a lark. I'll never be able to make such a movie-- even if I am ever afforded the ability to write a movie, it certainly wouldn't be this one, as I am just a guy with a blog, and not a Hollywood writer, or friends with the band who can slip this idea in their pocket so they can start talking to Hollywood writers.

Still, every single time any Flaming Lips song comes up on random-- not even just the ones from Pink Robots-- I can't stop thinking about this idea. I finally decided, you know what? Why not just write the fucking thing down?

If you know the record very well, you'll note that the bulk of the plot is inspired by the songs "Fight Test", "One More Robot/ Sympathy 3000-21", and of course "Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots", but if you've never heard the record before, I still think you'll be able to keep up.

YOSHIMI BATTLES THE PINK ROBOTS

It's 2033, and we are in a city called Neo-Tokyo, a retro-futuristic world with hyper saturated colors (such as found in Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World). Sky-scrapers reach to the sky, there are neon-colors everywhere, and the movie is almost entirely shot during the daylight, giving everything an almost utopian glow. This is what you expect when you think of anime being translated into real life. The entire cast, including all extras, is about 45% white, 45% Asian, with the remaining 10% being other minorities. Most people have spiky anime-style haircuts, dyed every imaginable color.

The movie opens with gorgeous swooping shots of this hyper-pristine city with a voice-over newscast-- live on the scene!-- of a new musical opening in downtown. As we watch the news reporter interview various cast members and producers outside of the theater, we cut to an office building where the TV is on, playing the news cast. This is obviously the floor of some sort of ad agency, and the camera settles on our main character, Garnet. He is unassuming, white, and currently working on some sort of design, deeply lost in thought. The office floor is bustling.

Suddenly there's an enormous, earth-rattling crash just outside the window, and there is panic in the office. All the workers scramble to the window to see what's happening outside. The news reporter is in front of the theater which, coincidentally, is across the street. She tries her best to narrate exactly what's going on to her live telecast.

In the middle of the boulevard is a two-story retro-style robot, menacing in every way except that it is colored bright pink, and as it shouts "DESTROY! DESTROY!", it begins to stomp around and smash into buildings as people scatter in fright. The news reporter keeps narrating, informing the viewer that it's another one of these giant pink robots that have come to destroy Neo-Tokyo, and that the last time this happened it was just six months ago.

With that, all of the sudden, a brightly-colored ninja wearing a motorcycle helmet does a backflip off a building and lands in the street dramatically. We cut up to the window of the ad agency with our main character, who smiles gently. We go back down and the ninja removes her helmet, letting out a long mane of beautiful jet-black hair. This is Yoshimi, a sexy, svelte, yet appreciably cute Japanese woman in her mid twenties, and as she whips her hair around she poses, looks at all the civilians around, who are now still with silence as they look on. She smiles and gives a thumbs up. The crowd goes apeshit. Suddenly we cut to a poster on the wall of Yoshimi giving that exact smile and thumbs up in an ad for soda. We have several more jump cuts around the street of Yoshimi giving variations of that same smile and pimping various different products on advertisements all across the city.

The robot stops and sets its sights on her. We see its Robo-vision, TARGET: YOSHIMI. THREAT EXTREMELY HIGH. DESTROY WITH IMPUNITY.

Yoshimi pulls out a bottle of vitamins and, being sure to pose with the bottle for the crowd, pops a few-- we cut to another poster of her pimping said vitamins. Then she gets into a battle pose, runs at the robot, and unleashes fury. Despite being much smaller than this hulking behemoth, she is able to run up along buildings and, with a flurry of awesome ninja moves, destroys the pink robot. The crowd cheers again.

Yoshimi poses a bit, waves at her audience, then looks up into the window where Garnet is, winks and blows a kiss. Garnet smiles and blows back, then waves. Yoshimi runs up a building and disappears.

This is the opening to Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots. The plot of the story will be about Garnet, who is in a long-term commitment with Yoshimi, the super ninja badass, biggest celebrity in the entire world. Over the course of the movie Garnet will have to deal with how emasculating it is that he's a nobody-- just a guy at an ad agency, shit on by his boss and largely ignored by his coworkers, while his girlfriend is the most beloved person on the planet.

Living in Yoshimi's shadow for as long as he's known-- they were childhood friends, dated in high school, and now, in their mid twenties, are engaged to be married-- Garnet is living in a state of perpetual lack of ever having to be responsible for anything concrete other than his relationship. Yes, this particular theme of being a man and learning to grow up has been dealt with a lot in movies, especially lately, but here we have a story of a man not just learning how to be a man, but how to be his own man, and not just a thing that is standing next to his girlfriend when the paparazzi show up and take pictures. Garnet is frequently humiliated by looking at the papers and seeing that he has been cropped out entirely from the photo, often leaving just his disembodied arm around hers.

Furthermore, Yoshimi, being this super-awesome ninja, hasn't just overshadowed his existence in the world, but also fights all of his battles. Not because she is overbearing, but because Garnet does not have much of a spine, and, well, Yoshimi isn't afraid of confrontation.

One of the things that always interests me about stories is the idea of the supporting character. What if you knew that you were the supporting character, the second banana in the story of your life? And what if the story focused on that character, even though all the major events followed the top character? What if Harry Potter was written from Ron Weasley's perspective? What if Godfather was written from Connie Corleone, Michael Corleone's little sister's perspective? Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots would be about Garnet realizing that there is worth in being second banana, that he can be a supporting character in his own life, so long as he is still a fully rounded person as himself.

Meanwhile, there's the problem of these giant robots that keep showing up and attempting to destroy Neo-Tokyo, and initially the city doesn't seem to mind much because they always have Yoshimi there to turn them into scrap metal. As the movie progresses, the robots that show up start getting bigger and more elaborate, giving Yoshimi a run for her money. What exactly is happening here?

At the end of the first act, we will cut to a dangerous, smoldering volcano on an island somewhere, and we find out that, indeed, these robots are being made on an assembly line, and they keep coming faster and faster, larger and larger, to the point that it's inevitable for Yoshimi to become overwhelmed. A computer AI has been making these things, each one better than the other, and what was a faulty part from the previous model gets thrown into a ditch, replaced with something new. Eventually these parts become sentient and put themselves together-- it turns out that the parts that didn't work were the parts that make sentience, ergo, not parts that work well for killing machines. This is Robot 3000-21, who is appalled that its creator is hell bent on destroying humanity, starting with Neo-Tokyo. He heads there to help out, and discovering that, were he to introduce himself to Yoshimi, would probably be immediately destroyed, he decides to approach the next best thing: Garnet.

Along the way there will be scenes of Garnet not sticking up for himself, learning to become a man. At the climax of the movie, while trying to get to the AI to help a quickly-becoming-overwhelmed Yoshimi, Garnet will get in a fist fight with a character that he's alwayshated-- a high school "friend" that has known him and Yoshimi since grade school, and has been dogging him throughout the movie. This guy has always had the hots for Yoshimi, and has always been there to bust his balls way past the point of comfort, and when she and Garnet get into arguments, is always there to tell her she should dump him. Of course, Garnet has never told this guy to fuck off because he's been too much of a wimp up until this point, always trying to be the better man, always trying to play it cool. But here, in this crucial moment, Garnet has had enough, and after all the insane pyrotechnics and crazy stunts from the ninja Yoshimi destroying things three, four times her size through the first two acts, the most nail biting moment in the movie will be a normal, run-of-the-mill fist fight, mano-a-mano.

Of course, Garnet wins, is able to destroy the AI from making more robots, giving Yoshimi the breathing room to get a second wind, and completely and utterly kick ass.

Also, somewhere during the middle of the movie, before shit really hits the fan, there will be a slow, romantic moment where Garnet and Yoshimi are in a club, in a dark corner, smiling and looking into each others eyes. The Flaming Lips are playing live in the club. They are finishing "It's Summertime", and as the last notes fill the room, Yoshimi tells him that she wants to be close to him. They stand up and take each other in arms, as The Lips start up "Do You Realize???", and it's as if the entire room disappears, and it's just the two of them, holding each other.

I'm not kidding, I just teared up thinking about it.
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What Porno Would Be Like If It Came Directly From My Fantasies

2011-03-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by marilyn manson, "this is the new shit"

Three high-school aged boys are hanging out in front of a mall, drinking sodas and talking about girls, when the sexiest, Christina Hendricks-looking redhead approaches them. She is wearing a low-cut top with her copious boobs spilling out. Oh, and she's not wearing panties, you can totally tell.

In the universe where all porno comes from my fantasies, 70% of all porn actress look like Christina Hendricks.

LADY: Hi boys. How are you doing today?

BOY 1: Uh, ahem, hello ma'am, what can we do to you-- I mean, er, for you today?

LADY: Oh, we'll see. I'm a teacher from a high school across the city, and I want to know how boys from other high schools do when being, hm, taught lessons.

BOY 2: How in the world are you a teacher from across the city? You don't look nearly old enough to be a teacher!

LADY: I'm 25! That's old enough to have a degree in teaching. And besides, what am I supposed to look like, some sad, desperate MILF wearing too much make-up and fake boobs?

BOY 1: Well, no, frankly, I don't understand the appeal to that. I mean, sure, there are ladies that are a little older that are plenty hot, but MILFs and cougars and whatever else being an actual thing is kind of weird. No, 25 year old hottie teachers are much more attractive than some sad MILF.

BOY 2: Okay, I get that you're a super hot teacher who drove all the way over here to teach lessons to high-school aged boys, but do you even mean by "teaching us lessons"?

LADY: Oh, you'll see. How old are you?

BOY 1: 18.

BOY 2: 18.

BOY 3: 17.

LADY (to BOY 3): While it is legal in this state for an adult to teach the lessons I'm planning on teaching to a 17 year old, I find it morally objectionable, so you'll have to leave.

BOY 3: Ah, sucks to your sexiness, lady! (Leaves)

BOY: Whatever is it that you'll be teaching us? Should we, uh, be needing condoms?

LADY: Oh no, there will be no need for condoms.

BOY 1: Then how will you protect yourself from getting pregnant? I don't want to be the father of some strange slutty teacher's babies.

LADY: Oh, one of the lessons I'll be teaching you is how the pill works, if you catch my drift.

BOY 2: But what about STDs?

LADY: Come on, now, let's not complicate this too much. Nobody's going to get pregnant, that's enough precautions to take for this particular porno.

BOY 2: Very good point. I cannot wait to put my seed inside/outside of your body.

BOY 1: One more thing that I don't understand. If you're a hot teacher wanting to fuck 18 year old boys, why don't you do it at your own school?

LADY: Do you want me to get fired? No, I want to fuck hot young men without getting pregnant and not actually thinking about the spread of STDs because that complicates things so much that it makes this unenjoyable, but I'm not going to get fucking fired for it.

BOY 1: And we wouldn't want you to get fired! In this economy, and with the Republicans in power, they're going out of their way to strike out at teacher's unions and weaken your ability to keep a job! But really, what else should America expect from Republicans? They don't make their heinous ideas much of a secret, so when they get into power and do the very things they have been promising, why should America be so surprised? This is what happens when you put Republicans in charge of things!

LADY: Oh my god, I couldn't have said it better. Now, let me suck on that deliciously young but still legal cock.

BOY 1: Please do!
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Posing in Front of A National Tourist Spot For a Shitty Photo

2011-03-19T18:30:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by anamanaguchi, "blackout city"

I never understand why when people take pictures of national monuments, or statues, or tourist attractions that people go to, when they take the picture to memorialize it, they hand the camera to a friend/ loved one/ family member/ stranger, and then go stand in front of it to have the picture taken, instead of just, you know, taking a picture of it.

First of all, I don't know why you would ever have to prove that you went to that monument. I don't know of any person you could show a photo of Mount Rushmore to for them to reply, "What Encyclopedia did you cut this out of, you lying asshole?" I don't know how standing in front of a thing and having your picture taken enhances the memory of being there than just taking a picture.

But the worst part is, of any picture ever taken of a person, the worst pictures always come out 1) when taken in bars, because it's dark in bars and you are sweaty and drunk, and it is impossible to not have red eyes and a huge glare coming off your forehead, and 2) in front of national monuments.

When you pose in front of a national monument, your friend has to stand far away from you, in order to get the whole thing that you're standing in front of in frame. So there you are, way off in the distance, just standing there, and you look awkward because you've been standing there for a few moments while your friend stands in just the right place to get both you and the thing you're standing in front of. And also, you know how the camera adds a few pounds? Standing far enough so that your entire body is in picture is going to show off every hideous pound that you're ashamed of, not to mention that being shot 15 feet away doesn't exactly make for the best lighting. You know how when you see footage of movies being shot, even in the day time they have lights and reflective surfaces to make the ambient light better? That's because even Johnny Depp looks like a fatass while being shot fifteen feet away, and if he were forced to stand there awkwardly for a few moments so you could get him and the world's tallest teacup in the frame, he would look even worse.
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The Guy Who Got Into A Whole Lotta Money

2011-03-18T19:51:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by trent reznor and atticus ross, "hand covers bruise"

My wife works at a grocery store, and walked over one day to pick her up for the end of her shift. As I walked through the parking lot a brand new convertible Porsche, top down, came speeding up to a parking spot right in front of the store; I don't know much about cars and don't care much about cars, but when you see a brand new Porsche, it gets your attention. A guy with shoulder length hair, sunglasses, an open leather jacket, jumped out of the car, like in the movies.

Okay, that was weird, I said to myself, and walked into the store. My wife still had a little more to do before she could clock out, so I headed to the magazine section and started flipping through one about video games.

And as I'm flipping through it he comes and strolls up next to me, grabs a car magazine. I got a good look at him. His hair was shoulder length but freshly styled and cut, freshly highlighted. His leather jacket still stunk like fresh leather, and it was opened all the way down, and his torso was hairless, glowing, obviously also freshly waxed.

"Hey man," he said. "Do you know any good magazines for import cars?"

"Nah," I said. "I'm not really into cars at all."

He kind of half sighed and half shrugged and said "I just got into a whole lotta money and I'm trying to figure out what to do with it."

And I thought, not only did you just get into a whole lot of money, you just got into a whole lot of money five hours ago. And I thought, if I were the kind of person who, all of the sudden, got into a shit load of money, and I was the kind of person who cared about fancy cars and looking like a Hollywood douchebag, which would I get first? The car? The leather jacket? The chest waxed?

I imagine it had to have come chronologically. He probably got the car first, and the dealer said "You know, for only 50,000 more, I can get you the convertible," and he thought, well shit, I've got a whole lotta money, it doesn't make sense to not get the convertible. Then he was driving around Chandler Arizona in a top-down Porsche convertible wearing a t-shirt that said Budweiser or whatever, and thought, no, this simply will not do. And that's when he went into the clothing store and bought the most expensive thing they had, which was the stinky new leather jacket. But just wearing a badass new leather jacket over a t-shirt looked dumb, and as he tried on different shirts realized gah, chest hair is for poor people, and got that shit waxed. The hair was probably done at the same time, and the sunglasses, well, the sunglasses were in the store right next to the chest waxing store. You know, down in the Asshole District.
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Adults Who Believe in Ghosts

2011-03-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by the white stripes, "the union forever"

My daughter's friend came over the other morning and, while Celest was getting ready for school, told me that she'd gone over to her uncles house over the weekend, "And I saw a ghost!"

"There's no such thing as ghosts, silly," I told her.

"I did! I saw a ghost! It was at the edge of my bed!"

"Your mind was probably just playing tricks on you. There wasn't a ghost because ghosts aren't real."

Now, so far, this all seems reasonable, right? I mean, this is what adults are supposed to say to kids, right? That there's no such thing as ghosts, and that their minds were running away from them? This wasn't like telling a kid that there was no Santa, and fucking up their parents' whole Christmas tradition. There's no such thing as ghosts and we all know that, right?

"My uncle even saw it!" she said. "He said it was sitting on the end of my bed as well!"

Well shit. Now I felt like a bad person for negating whatever this adult's way of teaching his niece. I mean, this could be the weird uncle that everybody knows is a little loopy in the head and yes, he believes in ghosts and some weird invisible man in the sky who sends you to hell if he catches you masturbating, but just humor him when you're there. Maybe this uncle is like this and they just forgot to debrief her after her stay over the weekend and see what idiotic thoughts he put in her head to settle things.

Or maybe the whole family thinks this. Once she had brought up that some adult confirmed it for her it really stuck a wrench in my otherwise innocent reassurance that there was no such thing as ghosts.

I understand how grown adults can believe in ghosts, I really do. What I don't understand is how that person can exist on the planet without instantly having all of their money taken away from them.
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"Another Day In Paradise!"

2011-03-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "all i need"

Whenever you work in an office, you see the same people every day, and when you see them you ask, "How're ya doin'?"

And they respond with a shrug and say "Well, I'm here." Or "Another day another dollar!" Or they'll say, sarcastically, "Another day in paradise."

But if you respond "Life is a nightmare I can't wake up from," suddenly you're the office weirdo.
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Predicting Baby Genders is Not an Exact Science

2011-03-15T07:02:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by sex bob-omb, "garbage truck"

If you've never had children, one thing you'll be surprised about when you or your girlfriend/wife gets pregnant is how persistent idiotic old wives' tales are. It does not matter at all what she complains about, somebody will decide then and there that it means that the baby will be whatever gender they had when they had those particular symptoms. It does not matter at all.

"Head itchy and feeling sleepy? Oh, it's going to be a boy."

And you try to laugh it off and tell them that they're being silly, but they come back at you with this tone of voice that says "Laugh all you want, but I'm going to be right," as if they're cursed with this ability to predetermine baby's gender and there's nothing they can do about it because no one will ever listen to them. And by the way, I don't just mean your parents-in-law, who have a preternatural ability of sticking their noses up in your baby business, I mean fucking strangers.

But the worst part about this is that there's a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right! It's not like there are one in eight chances of it being something. So no matter how much you tell them the truth, that their bullshit is bullshit, they still have exactly as much chance as being right in the end as wrong, and they'll take that as another notch on their baby-predicting belt. When the baby comes out the way they somehow, remarkably, are right, you want to say, "Wow, how did you do that? What are you, about 53% right at predicting football game outcomes as well? Call my bookie."

If they really want to impress, they should say "Up at 3 in the morning throwing up? Oh, well it'll be a boy and he'll get straight A's all the way up until the 8th grade when he will inexplicably trail off, will drop out of college in his freshman year, and will be a disappointment to you. Also, he'll be gay. Laugh all you want, but I'm always right about these things."
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All Teenagers Care About Is Their Modern Technology And Their Sexting

2011-03-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "house of cards"

I've said it before; I usually don't post chats with a friend verbatim and call it an entry. But I've been staring at my notes for a few hours now trying to come up with enough "Goods" to make a full Polarity, but I don't want more days to go by without an entry, so here we go. I thought this was interesting enough to share.

me: Have I ever told you that I think webcams were made specifically for such taking naked pictures?
Oh hey, that reminds me. So apparently I have misunderstood what "sexting" was. I thought "sexting" was when you sent naked pictures/videos of yourself with your camera on your phone to someone.
And teens sext one another because of course that's what they do.
And that's bad, obviously, but of course they fucking do.
We had Polaroids in our time, and that's what we used them for, taking pictures of one another naked.
What the fuck else is a private camera for?
But some company introduced an app that you can download to your kids phones, and they would text you when it caught your kids sexting with someone.
And I was like, how the hell would it know what picture some teen sends someone?
The article said that it looked for keywords in their texts to see if they were sexting, and would alert you.
And I was like, WTF?
So you mean "sexting" is just texting about sex?
Fucking seriously?
I could give a shit if my teenager is TEXTING about blowjobs.
Because teenagers are a whole lot of talk. Every teenager can talk a huge amount of talk when it comes to sex, but that doesn't mean they're actually doing it or even ultimately plan on doing it.
I give a shit if they're sending photos to one another, you know?
But who gives a shit if they say "blowjob"?
Well, obviously I do care, but it is SO far down my list of priorities that it seems weird to actually secretly download a program onto their phone instead of just taking their phone occasionally and checking their last text messages sent/received.

me: Like, if all this fuss about "sexting" is simply them using sexual terms with their texts, parents need to either a) get over themselves, or b) take away their cellphone, because they WILL talk about that shit.
If your teen has a cell phone, you don't need a fucking app to be able to tell that they're talking about things you don't want them to talk about? Just assume that they are-- because they just ARE-- and if you care so much, stop buying them technology they don't need.
Sent at 11:54 AM on Tuesday Kristen: i agree with you. they're gonig to do this in person, then, or on the internet. one way or another, your kids are going to experiement sexually.
i'd be grossed out and concerned if they were sexting and sending pics.
i'd probably freak out a little and ask them if they're having sex and get kinda cheesed if they are.
but well... the next day would be fine, and i'd realize that my kisd aren't really kids anymore.
me: Again, it's taking pictures that I am worried about. If they had that app, I would want it, but how would an app be able to tell "Ah-ha! This picture has nipples! And then the next text received was a wiener!"
But psh, talking about it means nothing. Kids are a lot of talk.
You know, I really don't like cell phone cameras for teenagers.
I really, really don't.
I also don't like webcams on laptops.
But you cannot buy a cell phone nowadays without a camera, and you cannot buy a laptop without a webcam.
Sent at 12:01 PM on Tuesday me: Have I ever told you what I'm going to do if I catch Celest having sent photos to someone?
Kristen: no.
me: I'm going to show her a few porn videos I have.
See, I like amateur porn. So the bulk of my collection is all amateur.
And I'm going to find videos of girls going "Hi Ted, don't ever show anyone this!"
And I'll say, Celest, I don't know this girl.
And this girl does not know me.
And yet somehow, despite her specifically saying for Ted to not show anyone, I have this video on my harddrive. I have hundreds of them.
And I've had some of them for YEARS.
EVERYONE can see the Internet, the Internet is FOREVER, and people are not trustworthy with stuff like this.
Kristen: hahaha! :)
at first, i was like, "where the fuck is chris going with this whole 'i'm gonna show my kid porn' idea?"
but no, that's a GREAT idea.
Sent at 12:06 PM on Tuesday
me: Well, it won't be the double-creampie orgy video, that's for sure.
I'll just find some video of some naked girl dancing.
There's plenty of it out there, after all :)
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Random Thoughts 167

2011-03-13T10:35:00.000-07:00

this entry brought to you by beck, "elevator music"

I still don't know what OPP stands for.
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Heaven and Hell, and How I Find No Comfort In It

2011-03-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by talking heads, "psycho killer"

I was talking to a conservative, very Christian friend of mine the other day. She is the type of girl who goes to church every week without fail, doesn't swear, and is what you would expect when you think deeply Christian. This day she looked sleepy and glassy eyed. I asked her what was up; she said that today she'd gone to her first open-casket wake, and it was much more disturbing than she had expected.

Her husband's best friend since childhood died all of the sudden at the age of 32. He has had severe muscular pain and had been on pain pills for something like 10 years, and instead of getting a different dosage, he took one too many for too long, and died in the middle of the night. She said her husband has become really withdrawn since his death and hasn't said anything much lately, that he's just sort of pulled into himself. I told her, you know, that's common for guys. And she said "Yes, but he's not just a guy. He's my husband." And I understand that frustration, but a woman isn't going to just change that about her husband if that's the kind of guy he is, the person who keeps his feelings inside. Still, I understood her frustration.

Then she said that she and her husband have kind of been having problems with their faith lately. I asked her what sorts of problems. It's true that I'm an atheist, and very much a staunch one. But I consider this person a friend for the most part, and I know a lot about the Christian faith. I'm by no means an expert, but I know plenty enough to at least try to comfort friends on their faith, even if I don't agree with it.

She kind of sighed, and I could tell that she was really having a hard time wording what she was feeling.

"My husband's friend that died-- he didn't believe in God. And he didn't just not have any faith, he thought that faith was silly and stupid. Didn't treat it with any reverence at all."

She kind of stopped and searched for words. "The idea of not believing in heaven, it worries me. I don't want to just be gone."

I told her that, no matter what it is that you believe, whether you think you go to heaven or hell, whether you think there is just nothing, it doesn't actually matter in the end. What happens happens.

"I know," she said. And then, "But what if he's wrong?"

I thought for a moment and asked her, "Are you worried that he's not going to heaven? Or are you worried that he's going to hell?" And that might seem like the exact same thing, but I honestly feel like there's a distinction.

She paused and said "I'm worried he's gone to hell."

And I asked her, "Do you think he's gone to hell?"

"I'm not God," she responded.

"You know I don't have any faith, do you believe I'm going to hell?" I asked specifically this not to put her in a weird position or to judge her, but to ask if it was specifically this person's soul she was worried about, or it it was all non-believers.

"I'm not God," she responded immediately, even quicker than the first time.

"That's not what I asked. Do you, personally, according to your beliefs, do you believe I'm going to hell?"

She hesitated, sort of chuckled, sort of scoffed, I'd put her in a weird position.

"I know you think I'm a good person, or else we wouldn't get along like we do, or else you wouldn't be telling me about all this. I don't believe in heaven or hell, so if you believe I'm a good person but I'm still going to hell, it fundamentally makes no difference to me. I won't think worse of you for thinking that."

She hesitated more and said, "Chris, I can't sit here and look you right in the face and say I think you're going to hell."

I'm not positive if I got her to answer the question one way or another outright, but basically it became clear that she thought that yes, I would be going to hell. And I had meant what I said-- so long as she thinks I'm a good person, I don't care if she thinks I'm going to a place that I do not think exists. I didn't ask her if she thinks I deserve it, I asked her if she thinks it at all. And yes, I think it's shitty that Christians, if they are true Christian, and truly believe their dogma, think everyone who doesn't believe in Christ the Messiah is going to hell. I think that's a horrific philosophy, but I also acknowledge that it's a mainstream thought, and is perfectly within the norm. I could see how someone else could take offense in it, but I don't.

I said, okay, let's work backwards. You don't believe the Bible is literally 100% true.

"I do believe the Bible to be literal," she said.

This was strange because we'd had several discussions where she'd said the exact opposite, that the Bible is filled with parables and that some things just don't apply to us in modern times. I wasn't sure if I'd simply misunderstood her the whole time-- one cannot take the filter off of reality from their own eyes, so when I hear someone saying anything slightly atheistic, I automatically assume they don't actually believe what they purport to believe, but that's because I'm biased. I can't take that bias out of my thought process. So I wasn't sure if I was simply misinterpreting what we'd discussed before, or if this was double think on her part. I believe it's probably the latter-- she wouldn't be the first person to be contradictory in her beliefs. But either way, I didn't want to have a theological debate. It's not that I'm unwilling to have that with her, because I love talking about that with her, it's just that that wasn't what this particular discussion was about. This was about me trying to hopefully help my friend with what is a pretty fundamental struggle with religion, and I wasn't trying to use this opportunity to switch her over to my side.

"Okay then," I said. "If God is a loving God, and he loves your husband's friend, then it would be unjust for him to send a good person to hell."

"How do you mean?" she asked.

"It doesn't make sense in terms of Karma."

"I don't believe in Karma," she said. Of course she does, I thought, Heaven and Hell are just a different way of saying "Karma", it's just controlled by a God and not the universe, but again, this wasn't the point.

"Do you believe Gandhi went to hell?" I asked.

She sort of hesitated and said "I don't know."

"If there's a God," I said, "Then Gandhi would have had to have gone to Heaven, there's no way he wouldn't."

"And what if he didn't? What if you die and there is a God, and your philosophy is wrong?" she asked.

"Then I don't have a problem being judged falsely by the same thing that judged Gandhi that way. But it doesn't matter," I said, trying to return to my original point of comforting my friend. "If God is good, then good people will go to Heaven."

She said that just because people think someone is good by our standards doesn't mean they'll get to Heaven. She said she doesn't know what God judges of one person versus another, but that she thinks God expects certain things of us, regardless of whether they're good or not.

And you know what? She's right. That's what the Bible teaches.

This was a perfect, utter example of why I am an atheist, and why I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that there's no God. I'm not discounting that I might be wrong and that there might be a God, but the truth is that if there is a God, I fundamentally do not care. I not only don't believe, I don't even want to believe. I did, at one point in time, but that time is long gone.

I've had believers ask me this before, "What if you're wrong and you go to hell?"

If I'm wrong and I go to hell, then fine. I lived my life, I made my decisions, and if somehow a good person isn't good enough, then whatever. But the more profound question is, what if I'm wrong and I go to Heaven? If there is a Heaven and there is a Hell, then that means that there are people, people that I love, in Hell, through some sort of technicality. Also, there are mass murderers in Heaven, all because they repented at the last minute. There are people who refer to themselves as Christians who say "Oh, there's no way mass murderers are in Heaven." But if you really believe the dogma, this is part of what you believe.

I find no comfort in this. The concept of Heaven and Hell terrifies me, not because I am afraid I won't get to Heaven, but because, through some idiotic technicalities, there are good people in hell and people who lived their entire lives as complete assholes or end up in Heaven because somebody prayed with them on their death bed.

But in reality, there is no Heaven and Hell. There never was. And I feel like I can say that with as much certainty as I can say about anything I have no proof of. The down side is that bad people do not get their comeuppance in the end in terms of some sort of enduring justice. You can only hope that they live in distress and mistrust of those around them in life, afraid of themselves and unable to truly have a real relationship with any meaning here on Earth. They won't be burned in hell like they deserve to, but you can hope that their time on Earth is unfulfilled.

But on the other hand, because there is no heaven and hell, there are no fucking technicalities. There are no good people in hell because they accidentally didn't do this one thing, or because they were never given enough proof to think otherwise. There are no villagers born on a mountain in Mongolia who literally die in the same village they were born, with no exposure to white people and, therefore, Christ, in their entire lives, and through no fault of their own, ended up in hell. That has never happened. There are no miserable hypocrites in heaven simply because they show up to church every week and confess their sins.

I didn't tell her all of this because my objective wasn't to argue my side, my objective was to comfort a friend in time of need. She had said that she'd been to funerals before, but this was the first time she'd been to one for someone who she knew didn't believe, and it really bothered her, all these thoughts of heaven and hell. And I just thought, in the time of someone's death, something that will bother anyone, will bring stress to anyone, a time where you need those around you, where you need to be in your grief, where you need to be there for those around you, do you really need this bullshit of these nonsensical concepts of Heaven and Hell on top of all of it? Ultimately, I don't want life to end with me as simply dirt in the ground either. It terrifies me. But the idea that some asshole is in Heaven because he tricked God from some clause in the Bible nobody's ever heard of terrifies me much more. Or that someone better than me goes to hell because he had the misfortune of being born on the wrong side of a river.

I'm not comparing myself to Gandhi, I'm really not. But it's somewhat comforting to know that no matter what, we all end up in the same place Gandhi went.
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Shorts Dudes Who Always, Somehow, Win in a Fight

2011-03-04T10:52:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by radiohead, "airbag"

I don't know if you've ever met a short man, but they're always extremely eager to tell you that while they might not seem like much, they can do some real damage in fights. They might not be big, but they're crazy! They don't fuck around!

I'm not saying this has never happened ever, in fact, yes, I'm sure you have a short friend who you saw totally flatten a guy twice his size. I will also say that the person who he knocked out was also probably drunk, and tripping over his own feet would have also knocked him out cold. But sure. It probably happens occasionally.

But still, I call bullshit. I think there's a reason you never see really short bouncers when you go out to the club. There are no 5'4" body guards. There's no company that hires bodyguards or bouncers that will look at the application of a guy under 5'5" and say, "Yes, but are you scrappy? Here at Personal Security Professionals we're don't care much about physical size, so long as you've got a story where you once took out a drunk guy twice your size. Do you live by the credo 'The bigger they are, the harder they fall'? Because we're looking for people with that philosophy here for our business of personal protection."

And yes, of course, you probably also know a guy who has taken out someone twice his size who wasn't drunk. And you also know for a fact that this guy is a fucking psychopath. But the thing is, tall people can be psychopaths too! And if a tall psychopath gets into a fight with a short, scrappy psychopath, my money is on the bigger one.
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Circumcised Penises

2011-03-03T10:30:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by glasser, "ring"

One thing that I've always funny is that circumcision will talk about circumcision as if it's a Jew thing. "You know those Jews and their circumcised penises", they'll say. Well, no, they don't say that, not that specifically. Just trust me, when someone mentions circumcision, someone else will mention Jews.

Yes, Jews circumcise their children's penises. But everybody else you know is also circumcised. I dare you to get through more than 45 seconds of UK porn before realizing something is horribly wrong.

"...Oh god! And she just keeps going back for it! How! How is this possible?"
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Random Thoughts 166

2011-03-02T10:21:00.000-08:00

this entry brought to you by the flaming lips, "are you a hypnotist???"

You know that religion is wrong because we don't have science museums specifically dedicated to debunking religion. We just have "museums"