Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Tuesday, April 01, 2014

this entry brought to you by st. vincent, "huey newton"

Approach someone wearing a Ron Paul 2016 shirt and say "I've never heard of Ron Paul. Could you summarize his positions, please?" They'll happily oblige, and when they are around halfway done with their explanation, interrupt them saying "Oh, I get it, I get it. You're a racist. You should have just said that."

Leave a bag full of doggie doo on your friend's doorstep, lighting it on fire. He will stomp on it to put out the fire, only to have his shoes covered in dog doo. Also, the dog doo is cursed, and now he will live the rest of his life with a small penis.

The average person eats 20 spiders a year in their sleep. Why not give them their entire years' worth all at once? If they wake and get angry about what you're doing, tell them you only wanted to give them the strength, agility, wall crawling ability, sixth sense, and terrifying demeanor that a spider has.

Program your friend's computer to fall in love with him. Also, program your friend's computer to have the voice of a sweet but learning disabled person, so that whenever the computer professes love for him, he'll feel like a bad person for watching porn on it.

Give your friend a bag of cheddar baked Actual Goldfish. They're the snack that smiles back. With their cold, dead eyes.

Delete your kid's music library and replace it with good music. Changing it back will take so much effort, and with their short attention spans, they'll never change it back and will eventually grow used to actual good music.

Walk up to your victim's door and ring the doorbell, then immediately run away. When the person answers the door, you will be nowhere to be found. That person will look quite the fool!

Swallow a tapeworm, and watch as your friends and coworkers sit in amazement at your ability to gorge yourself and never gain a pound. You'll have a tapeworm forever, but it's a good way to get even with people trying to make you drink goat's milk.

If you have a twin, have sex with his wife. Well. I mean, get her permission first. Otherwise, you're the worst kind of monster.

If you own a business, do whatever you can to pay absolutely no taxes, do not give any of your employees raises, give the minimum amount of benefits possible, and outsource everything you can. It will be hilarious! Also, you're the worst kind of monster.

Switch your roommate's toilet paper for a toilet paper that costs 50 cents less than your brand. Listen as they howl in pain from the shredded anus they will immediately suffer.

Trick an intelligent, beautiful woman into marrying you by being a decent man with personality to spare who makes an honest living. The joke is on her! Now you've got a good mother to help you raise your beautiful children.

Chop up some sunflower seeds and give them to a gullible friend and tell them it's hash. When they think they're high, inform them their mom died of cancer. Oh, I forgot to mention, kill your friend's mom before you chop up the sunflower seeds.

Continue to not pick up after your dog. Its hilarious how disgusting you are!

If you're a woman, give your husband or boyfriend a dutch oven. In case you don't know what that means, it's when you pull the blanket over his head and fart under the covers. The hilarious part about this is that everybody knows lady farts smell like flowers, and now he smells like a homosexual!

If you're taken in by the police and questioned, sarcastically give the jack off motion before every answer. They'll quickly get the hint that their whole line of questioning is bullshit.

Friends have a toddler? Give their kid a giant box of markers and be sure to point out "See? They're washable!" Now the next two months of their lives will be taken up entirely with scrubbing!

If you, through some magic means, find yourself with wishes to be granted, wish that a friend of yours cries uncontrollably whenever he hears Jay-z, and tears run down his cheeks whenever he sees, thinks, or talks about Jay-Z.

Take your daughter on a walk out in the woods and get hopelessly lost, being forced to subsist off of berries and fish you can catch with your hands. Get cornered by a ferocious bear, and tell her to run, that you'll stay and keep the bear occupied while she escapes, leading to your inevitable and horrible, painful demise. Left with the horrifying memory of your death and having to survive on her own, she will eventually make her way home, teary eyed and delirious. When she arrives, you are alive and well and been there this whole time, and she has spent the last seven weeks in the wilderness with a hobo you've showered and shaved.

with love from CRS @ 2:18 PM 


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