Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
Profile continued . . .


Thursday, June 07, 2012

this entry brought to you by kanye west, "power"

Tickling someone in the hot summer sun between noon and 3pm can cause them to spontaneously combust. Use this information as you will.

Drinking directly from the hose may seem tempting, but that's how you get spiders in your genitals.

Did you hear about the guy that ate that other guy's face down in Florida? During broad daylight? On the highway? We all know this; when the zombies attack, avoid the highway. The highways are trouble. In fact, Florida is trouble. This summer, avoid it as much as possible. And by "this summer" I mean "always".

If you go camping this summer, don't do it while menstruating. It'll attract bears seeking to earn their Red Wings.

You probably don't know this, but mosquitoes are actually quite sensitive, and loathe biting you; the only reason they do it is because blood is the only thing they eat. You can't hear it, but every time they land on you, they hope against hope that you will forgive them for what they do. Don't let this stop you from smashing them to death, however. Sensitive or not, fuck mosquitoes.

With rising ticket prices and the proliferation of 3D, your local Cinemaplex can be very expensive for today's teen-on-the-go. Pay a taxi cab to drive you and your date around the city for a while. It's much cheaper to get your handjobs that way.

If you go to a multi-day music festival this summer, don't camp out while menstruating. It'll attract acid dealing bears seeking to earn their Red Wings.

Ladies, want a trip to the beach, but live too far away? Rent the movie Drive and watch Ryan Gosling smolder for an hour and a half. Bring a fan!

2012 is set to be the hottest year on record. This summer, remember that it's Winter in Australia, and that it's probably snowing down there right now. What a bunch of assholes.

Your local water park has a giant, forty foot slide that you have to wait in a long line to get to the top of, then you slide down and splash at the bottom; it's probably called something like Splash Mountain. Be the guy standing at the bottom, waiting for tops to come flying off. Just make sure you turn your head if the girl is under 18 or over 45. You don't want to be a creep.

Get you a car that's as big as a whale, preferably a 20 year old Chrysler, and head on down to the Love Shack. Or, you know, you can just drive to a bowling alley and have fun there, if that is your love getaway of choice. Whatever floats your boat.

Have a run through the sprinklers! For fun, imagine it's stripper sweat! Pretend to catch HPV!

Parents out of town? Invite the whole school over for a party! Little will they know that you'll have poisoned every bottle of booze in your parent's liquor cabinet. That'll teach them to make fun of your hilarious last name.

This summer, go through an adventure with your best friends that initially will seem innocent and fun, but will, over its course, be a defining moment of your life, a time when you grow up more over the period of just a few days than you had in years prior, culminating in a series of circumstances that pulls your friends and you apart. After 20 years, have a reunion on that sandlot you and your friends had so many shared, wonderful memories on. Realize what a bunch of fat assholes your friends have become and how much of a living hell your life would have been had you all decided to stay friends.

with love from CRS @ 10:10 PM 


Post a Comment