bitterisataste . . . words and ramblings . . . v.6.0

Friday, August 07, 2009

this entry brought to you by yeah yeah yeahs, "rich"

I was browsing the web the other day when I came across a post on a site called Jerrylane.com. They/he posted a spam email he'd been forwarded called "Yes, I'm a Bad American". It was conservative, wrong-headedly patriotic claptrap, and he decided to respond to it line-by-line, the way I often do.

I thought he did a very funny response, and he made some good points, but I thought it was mostly snarky, and while it was funny snarky, I thought it could use some logic to invalidate the points (as well as snark), the way I try to. Not to take anything away from the source I got it from-- click the link, it's worth a smile or two-- but I thought I could offer a bit more thorough of a counterpoint.

YES, I’M A BAD AMERICAN

Methinks you're trying to be ironic with this title. Subtle.

I am an American. I believe in God. I ride a horse, I am a cowboy and proud of it, I like & ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.

So far, there's nothing really wrong with any of the things that you've said, but I would like to add that nobody has, so far, made fun of you yet. You have this defiant attitude about your love of Harleys and American products, yet I couldn't name a single person who has a problem with any of the things you mentioned. Most Americans believe in God. Even hippies love horses. Cowboys are quintessentially American, and while I would never get on one, there is nobody who would disagree that Harleys are badass. I would like to point out that your aggressive, in-your-face-attitude about relatively mundane things nobody has a problem with is kind of what makes people hate people like you. But let's move on.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

First of all, asshole, quit trying to pretend that you're "just saying the facts" and you're being equal opportunity about the shit you're spewing. You don't mean "Democratic or Republican", you mean "Democratic", and you're not fooling anybody. Especially when you add the word "Liberal" before the words "governmental functionary". What governmental functionary is Liberal and Republican?

Second of all, if you love this country so damn much, what is it, exactly, you love about this country, if taxes are so fucking evil? Is it because of our precious freedoms? When the men who founded this country granted you your precious freedoms, they also granted you a system of government split into three equal parts, and a taxation system with which to have that government. So if you think you can somehow defiantly claim all your money is yours and doesn't belong to the Government, you're not making a Patriotic statement. Unless you're patriotic to the literal piece of dirt that you stand on, in which case I really don't have a problem with it either. I am sure it is very fertile.

I’m in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

Is this really something to be so aggressive about? Nobody's going to take your feelings for granted, Mr. Sensitive Guy. Calm down.

I think owning a gun doesn’t make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

A "Smart American"? This is a bizarre statement. You claim to love America so much, yet clearly the country is so violent and full of people who are trying to harm you, that the "smart" way to live is to defend yourself using a gun. Listen, you can make an argument that says there's nothing wrong with owning a gun, that you think guns are fun, that it's your lifestyle, and these are all things I couldn't argue. But you think it makes you a "smart" American? How so? Where the fuck exactly do you live where you ride a horse, ride a Harley, be a cowboy, yet gang violence is so widespread the "smart" way to live is to constantly be strapped?

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

Saying "Get over it" is really easy when you're part of the race that has been dominate and has traditionally subjugated races you see inferior to you for the last thousand years. Here's a suggestion: Why don't you get yourselves? It's been thirty years since you've had to actually put up with uppity minorities and back-talking women. You'd think you people would be used to it now.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

Where the fuck are you buying Big Macs where they don't even attempt to speak in English? I have lived above the border basically my entire life, and I've never been to a Burger King where the guy didn't at least try to speak English. This is a bullshit complaint and you know it.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

Why is it that you're yelling at me that you believe people have the freedom to pray to God? You're the one who is a member of a group telling people they'll go to hell if they don't believe in your God! I'm a believer that it doesn't matter who or what you're going to pray to, we will all die and not know any difference anyway, so it doesn't matter. Why are you so aggressive about this?

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the Awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.

The blog that I originally took this from, JerryLane, said: "So… your heroes are actors, a dead baseball player and someone that makes motorcycles? You need to expand your horizons a bit…" Well put.

But I would also like to mention that John Wayne resented his career, being typecast as a cowboy, and he wanted to expand past that but never could. It's people like you who refused to watch him in any other roles that made him feel that way. So much for heroes.

I don’t hate the rich. I don’t pity the poor.

Maybe a little sympathy for the poor is exactly what this country needs.

I know wrestling is fake and I don’t waste my time watching or arguing about it. What? Was WWE Smackdown playing in the background as you wrote this and it just crept in? Because otherwise, where the fuck did this come from?

I’ve never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven’t burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already..

I think what you're complaining about is how minorities still complain about how the white man has treated people historically. And you know what? I actually agree that people should look forward instead of dwelling on the past. But you know, it is awfully hard to open a history book-- something I suggest you do-- and find out what the white man has done and, in some cases continues to do, and not feel a little resentment. Again, your words are uninspiring, coming from who you are. Maybe if you were a person of a race who had been persecuted, maybe we could agree. But coming from a resentful white person who seems to be complaining that people haven't gotten over thousands of years of killing and slavery, it means nothing.

I believe if you don’t like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

Ah! Ah-hah! A very clever, completely original sentiment from a fucking cowboy who rides a Harley. Who wrote this, anyway? Redneckbot1.17? How many fucking centuries is it going to take for some programmer to make a new version of you, one that resists the temptation of using the "Go back to where you came from!" argument, perhaps the most on-its-face ridiculous argument of all time?

This is AMERICA …We like it the way it is!

Right, because that's where progress comes from. Driving yourself into a hole in the ground, then staying put because nothing good can come from moving forward. You dimwitted fuck.

If you were born here and don’t like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

And you are free to move to the fucking Appalachian mountains where populations are literally 99% white, and there's nobody speaking Mexican at the local Burger King to offend your 'Merican sensibilities. And none of that "socialized medicine" to bog down your paychecks.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution..

Please, cowboy who rides a Harley. You would have no fucking clue what "the solution" would be if it came and peacefully moved in next door, you race-baiting asshole.

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

What happened to "Hell yeah"? Isn't that what you people are supposed to say when you think you just made an excellent point?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you’re breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

What if you're pulled over because of your color? That's probably never happened to you, because you obviously buy your meth from down the road, instead of crossing the tracks to where the blacks sling crack. A white guy in a crack-infested ghetto would get pulled over for no reason as well. And if it happened to you, you would have every reason to complain.

And, no, I don’t mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

...Because otherwise it would be a poor way to identify people? What the fuck are you talking about?

I think it’s good….. And I’m proud that ‘God’ is written on my money

What about that creepy all-seeing eyeball on top of the pyramid? Do you have any idea what any of that shit means? Of course you don't. But at least it's got the word "God"! Who, by the way, sure helped us out when the piece of paper with his name on it tanked last year, didn't he?

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don’t want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I think people who only care about gun rights and taking the right of abortion away from people shouldn't be allowed to vote either, but sometimes we don't get what we want.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making ‘donations’ to their cause. Get a Job and do your part!

Remember that God on the dollar? His son once said "That which you do to the lowest of my people, that which you do to me." But you really only care about your God when it comes to your needs, don't you?

I believe that it doesn’t take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

...Ehm, one parent, maybe the other two days a month. The divorce rate is 50% in case you haven't noticed. That's why some of us have to rely on that "village" you just dissed.

You could complain about the divorce rate in the country and you would be right, but the problem with that is the more religious and gun happy the state, the more happy a married couple married immediately out of high school, and the more likely they are to get divorced.

I believe ‘illegal’ is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

Unless you mean an "illegal" war, "illegal" torture, "illegal" wiretapping, and "illegal" indefinite detention, which is really what's been destroying this country you pretend to love so much, then of course you're okay with it. Otherwise this rambling and desperately-in-need-of-editing manifesto would be all about that, wouldn't it?

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

Deal. Now go take that Confederate flag out of your cousin Bubba's window, it's just degrading.

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I’m a BAD American.. If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know. We want our country back!

The blog I got this from, JerryLane, said "You can’t have this country back, because it never existed… just saying is all", and I thought that was an awesome point.

But here's what I what I want to know. Where has your country gone? Despite the fact that you swear up and down that the Democrats are coming to take your guns, you still have them, just like you did in the 90's when you swore the Democrats were coming to take your guns. You still ride around on your horses, John Wayne still shows up in American Movie Classics, and, despite the tanking economy and the closure of multiple car companies, Harley Davidson is still going strong and, to my knowledge, has yet to lay off a single employee because of the recession. Churches still keep cropping up all over the place, and religion still has a death grip on politics despite their claim that they are hesitant to get involved in it. You say you aren't rich and complain about taxes, yet you actually got a tax cut.

What the fuck is so different about America right now than whenever it is you imagine it started slipping away from the grip of idiot white folks like you? You say you want your country back, but where exactly has it gone? My bet is you live in a red state, and my bet is you're living in a red state that is firmly a red state. All of your neighbors are probably exactly like you. So what's different?

Is it the Mexicans and the blacks, those people you keep insinuating things upon throughout your screed? I've got news for you-- Mexicans were officially the first cowboys, and the blacks have been here longer than you have, or your daddy, or your daddy's daddy. And your daddy's daddy's daddy probably brought one here, so who do you have to blame that on?

40 years ago, we put a man on the moon. And what have we done since? We don't make anything anymore. We have an economy based almost entirely on pushing numbers around and scraping off the top. If you mean you want the America that was productive and had a solid economy not based on bullshit back, then I would be right with you, brother. But you never complain about the real problems this country has had. Instead you insinuate things about people trying to take away your guns and your God, and them darned uppity colored folks. The exact same bullshit your ilk have been complaining about since it was promised the South would rise again one hundred and fifty years ago.

You say you want America back. This implies that it was taken away from you. The truth is America turned and left you behind.
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with love from CRS @ 1:35 PM

4 Comments:

i got the original a few weeks ago and it pissed me off, and things like this dont usually piss me off. It sucks realizing there is such a large number of backwards idiots in this country that shit like this is capable of getting forwarded around.

your version is MUCH better.

Wow Thank You!
I live in the south and it's a fairly nice place most of the time. However there are still cockroaches like these guys who keep crawling out of the corners.
If he thinks that the south will rise again, I've got news for him. The South already rose again and it doesn't want his kind anymore!