CRS
Chandler, Arizona, United States

There's an old saying. If you don't want someone to join a crowd, you ask them, "If everyone were jumping off of a cliff, would you?" Well, I have. So my answer would be "Yes". True story.
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16 DANGEROUS THINGS THAT I WILL NEVER DO BUT KIND OF SORT OF WANT TO DO

Sunday, July 13, 2008

this entry brought to you by menomena, "ghostship"


Get a massage with a happy ending from a Korean masseuse. You hear about these places, and sometimes you even know where one of these places is. Do you think it's sexy in there? Or do you think it's matter-of-fact?

Have unprotected sex with a high class hooker. First of all, having sex with a prostitute sounds scandalous. Having unprotected sex with a hooker is spectacularly scandalous. What I'm saying is, if I'm paying 1600 dollars an hour, I should be able to do whatever I want. Plus, while I might catch something, if I'm paying 1600 dollars an hour for her, more than likely it won't be deadly. Also, she's a professional, and I want to know if paying for a high class hooker equates higher quality sex, or if I'm basically just paying for the thrill of illicitness. Don't tell me you've never wondered if a high class hooker wouldn't totally blow your mind that much more than your girlfriend. Your girlfriend doesn't use it to pay the bills.

Have protected sex with a five dollar hooker. I want to find the skankiest, most horrific whore-- well, check that, I want to just find a desperate whore who needs crack really, really bad. Why? Because wouldn't you read the blog of the dude who had sex with a 5 dollar whore just to have a fucked up story to tell people? And how much more awful could it be than sex with a normal chick? Would I even be able to get off? I would definitely want to use protection for this one, though.

Have sex with a hooker who speaks no English in a foreign land. More than likely this girl is a slave in the drug trade, and more than likely she's way younger than I'm led to believe, and that's fucking depressing. Also, it's highly likely the sex will be acidic. But the hooker benefits from above all apply here, plus she doesn't speak English. How illicit is that.

Hire a hooker and then just snuggle her. This could be a medium priced hooker, preferably one trying to pay her way through school, or who has a child to support. And you get her to the hotel, and you just snuggle her. She's going to think you're a freak and a weirdo and probably never want to see you again, but she's also going to be glad she can walk home without a limp. And you've got a fucked up story to tell.

Be on the lamb from the law for something awful. What's the most horrible thing you can do that doesn't cause death or rape, but would bring the entire country's worth of Feds after you for the rest of your life? I totally want to do that. You always have to look over your shoulder, always have to have a story already prepared, you've got to learn to evade, to think on your toes. It's like in Grand Theft Auto, when you see how pissed off you can make law enforcement, and then see how long you can survive, only without all the explosions. I want to do something tremendously heinous, then try to escape the law for as long as possible. Because dude, how awesome is that?

Cause a scene in a public place. Have you ever seen a couple break up in public? You know how they are all restrained, and they're very embarrassed, and sometimes there's crying, but it's totally held back, and you just hear this awkward, muzzled whine, kind of like a dog slowly dying? I want the opposite of that. I totally want to break up with someone or have a vicious argument, with no restraint. Water being thrown in the face, maybe a slap, definitely horrible name calling. And then, as I get up to leave, act indignant to my captive audience. "What the fuck are you all looking at?! You stuck up assholes!"

Have a scene caused on me. All the stuff described above, except in reverse, where I'm the one crying, and then after whoever just caused the scene gets up and leaves indignantly, I have to sit there moping, and find the right timing to get up and leave and have some shred of dignity.

Clobber an armed assailant with a very silly object. Say you're in a convenient store and it's being robbed. Or an old lady is on the street, and some jackass has a gun in her face. And you see a guy leap out from nowhere and beat the shit out of him with one of those giant dildos with a chainsaw motor at the end of it. How did he get the balls to take out a guy with a gun, but didn't have a gun himself, or even a baseball bat or something? Why did that guy just happen to have a giant chainsaw dildo? That guy will be me. And if the media gets ahold of me, I will offer no explanation to the chainsaw dildo.

Punch out some jerk for absolutely no damn reason. How awesome would it be if you were out in public and there was a jerk that you could just tell was an asshole and didn't deserve the time of day, and he didn't do anything specific to you, nothing really, you just didn't like the cut of his jib, and you just walked up and decked that guy? How awesome would it be?

Start a fight in public and lose spectacularly. This is different than the previous one. In the previous one I walk up and take a guy out, just like that. In this version, I want as many people around as possible, and I want to start a fight with a guy who is very obviously bigger than me, and I completely want to be at fault. "Hey is this mother fucker sitting in my chair?" I'd say. "Whoa, sorry buddy, I could just move," he'd say. "This mother fucker is too good to sit in my chair!" I'd say. And on and on until I swing at the guy, and he defends himself, and down I go, and everybody is happy that this guy got rid of an asshole causing problems. Sometimes it's fun to be the bad guy.

Knock down an old person in public. Completely unprovoked, run by an old lady and just clothesline her. Then walk off like nothing happened. People will throw things at you, that's how pissed they'll be.

Buy a human being, then let them go. You know how you go to certain foreign countries, you can buy sex slaves? I want to do that, then tell him he's free. See what he does, or if he somehow ends right back up as a slave. Can you imagine the story he would tell all the other slaves? "Man, I had freedom! For like, two days." I think I can still technically be jailed for that.

Fake a mental illness and truly be the only sane person in a mental institution. Do you know how diabolical you'd have to be to convince a panel of mental health experts that you're suffering from a severe mental disorder, then be put into that a institution, then keep them convinced? See, my bet is the second part of this equation would be easy. I think once you get in, you could proceed to act like a totally normal human being, and they'd convince themselves that you're still sick and come up with some reason why your behavior has changed and medicate you as such. That's my theory, anyway.

Go backpacking through Europe without any spare clothes or equipment. Do you know what the plot to Hostel is? Do you think that shit really happens? There's only one way to find out.

Go to a week-long Christian revival. The absolute most frightening thing I could think to do that I'm actually curious to do is to go to one of those week-long Christian revivals. And I don't just mean normal Christians that go backpacking together on weekends, or go on a group camp, or weekend retreats, that sort of thing. I've actually done that, and they're fun. No, I'm talking about a revival, and the only Christians that have revivals are the kind of people that make you think spending a week in Michael Jackson's Neverland would be preferable. These are positively the fucking scariest people in America, possibly the world. Imagine yourself someplace removed from society. With no escape. With these freaks babbling in tongues and falling on the ground and vomiting, and the preacher denouncing things you weren't even aware Christians were supposed to be against. There's nothing, nothing that you could go through for a week that would have a higher chance of having a negative effect on your brain one way or another, whether that means you come out a brainwashed zombie or snap and kill somebody. And it's for that that I kind of think I want to try it.
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with love from CRS @ 9:19 AM 

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